People have been experiencing varying levels of weed paranoia (presumably) since it was first discovered millions of years ago.
A lot of people use marijuana to relax after a long day of, well, riding the couch — we are, after all, penning this column from the eye of the Coronapocalypse — but there is simply no denying that weed can sometimes make us as paranoid as all get out. It has been known to cause users to flip their script on more than one occasion.
Some pros have theorized that the anxiety that stems from cannabis is because it is just too strong these days. But, the truth is, people have been experiencing varying levels of weed paranoia (presumably) since it was first discovered. We imagine that 28 million years ago, somewhere in the Qinghai Lake region of the Tibetan Plateau, where cannabis is said to have originated, there was a young man, perhaps the first to ever get high off the stuff, begging someone for help because he was deathly afraid of swallowing his tongue. Hey, it happens to the best of us.
In the spirit of stoned solidarity, we have assembled a list of three weird things paranoia might try to convince you of during this virus lockdown.
The Tightness In Your Chest Is ‘The Rona’
Although most cannabis-induced paranoia is mild, there are times when it can get pretty intense. This nerve-shattering affliction could strike, let’s say after you consume a pot edible purchased off the Internet from some hippy Brazilian baker, only to see later that it contained a whopping 2,500mg of THC. Wait, is that even possible? For you newbies out there: Yes, that’s a lot to eat at one time. The recommended dosage for the average person is somewhere between 5 to 10 mg.
But it’s too late now.
It might take an hour or so, but the paranoia from eating more weed than any weed eater in weed eating history is going to come, and come on strong. It’ll probably start with a tightness in the chest and the inability to breathe properly. Considering the climate of the times, this may even convince you that you have contracted the coronavirus and are in desperate need of a plastic bag to keep you from hyperventilating to death.
After obsessing over the CDC’s website and perhaps even referencing the “symptom checker” on WebMD, you realize that the bag is totally worthless and that a brand, spanking new, 2020 life support system is your only chance of surviving the night. But rest easy, friend, that’s just the weed playing tricks on you. It’s the paranoia climbing all the way up your back and sinking its gnarly fangs into your brain. You’re not going to die, and you probably do not have the Rona. But expect to be high for several days.
Oh, and if you still show symptoms of the virus after the buzz subsides, you might want to get checked out by a doctor.
Smoke Detector Is Really A Camera Planted By The Government
While sitting there on the couch trying to find the zipper on your skin so you can escape your body for a while, at least long enough to avoid the worst of the terror that is to come, you might start to see things around the house that you’ve never noticed before. There’s the framed Pink Floyd poster on the wall that’s just a little bit crooked. Oh, and what’s that? A crack in the ceiling that you cannot remember whether it was there yesterday or not. But it isn’t until you see the flashing red light in the smoke detector that those nerves start to rattle.
This is the point where the paranoia might really begin to do a number on you. It is not beyond the scope of imagination that the buzz from that mega-dose of THC could convince you that the device is not actually there for your safety. It might have you believe, instead, that it is a surveillance camera planted by the federal government, giving them the means to keep tabs on all your indiscretions.
All sorts of twisted conspiracies might start churning through your head, and you’ll have questions, loads of them. Like, why me? What do they want? Who planted it there? How did they get in? Did they think the bathroom was messy? You might even go really nuts and grab the broom from the kitchen closet and start knocking every single one of those suckers down for further inspection. But that’s not necessary. Listen, the government has no interest in watching you hang around your apartment all day, getting high and eating potato chips. Let’s hope they have better things to do. But then again, there was all that stuff a few years ago with Edward Snowden.
The Pest Control Truck Is Really a SWAT Team
At the height of your paranoia, well, there’s no nice way of putting this: You’re probably going to come unhinged. But you won’t dare call 911 for medical assistance because that’s precisely what “they” want you to do. Still, it can be difficult at this juncture of a savage high to escape the gnawing feeling in your gut that you’re being watched, investigated, and are perhaps even wanted for crimes ranging from petty pot possession to drug trafficking. You can feel your heart pounding out of your chest like you’ve just run a marathon. It’s mostly nerves, but the rest is all weed.
That’s when you stand up from the couch to see what’s happening in the world from the living room window. Hopefully, you’ll catch a glimpse of a cute kitten or something to help calm you down. But there’s no kitty-kitty outside. Only a large, black SUV branded with the name of a leading pest control company. That’s funny, you weren’t expecting anyone, especially not the bug man. It’s then that you start to consider the possibility that it’s just a front for an undercover sting operation, and they’re about to send in a SWAT team to take you down. In reality, though, the pest company is likely real and was probably just there to service a neighbor.
Try to relax, dude.