No, but really — how does a person have have better sex or a better relationship? The Fresh Toast has enlisted Rachel Krantz, a sex writer and proud canna-enthusiast, to help readers out with some answers as its sex columnist. No question is off limits, and all questions will remain anonymous. Please send your sex and relationship inquiries to freshlove@thefreshtoast.com. Now, onto this week’s topic: hacks to make sex feel new again.Â
Q: I enjoy sex, but I feel like, at age 35, I basically have had sex every which way now. I sort of know what will make me come, and for the most part, things are pretty vanilla. I’m looking ahead to the new year, and wondering what sort of things I might do to make sex more exciting. I’m not necessarily looking to do anything toooooo crazy or outside my comfort zone, just looking for some safer ways to mix it up.
A: Thanks for the question! I think most people can relate to what you’re asking — there are only so many ways to reinvent the wheel — even though when it comes to sex, we have pretty endless options, if you think about it. The thing that always makes sex feel similar is that we ourselves are the common denominator — we have never had sex for which we aren’t ourselves present (hopefully, anyway). Here are some easy tips, whether you’re in a relationship or not, to help make sex feel a little bit brand new.
Put A Mirror By The Bed
This is an easy hack that almost always makes a difference. We’re visual creatures, and seeing not only yourself but also your partner from a new angle is almost guaranteed to mix it up. If you already have one, put it in a different part of the room and see if that doesn’t make a difference.
Go on Pornoroulette
Remember Chatroulette, and how they eventually banned all the naked people? Well, now there’s Pornoroulette, where said free nudity is sanctioned. Try it out alone or with a partner and have sex with other people watching or participating from the privacy and safety of your own home. Angle the camera so that your head is cut off if you’re worried about someone recording.
Speak Another Language
If you or your partner speaks another language, ask them to break it out in bed. Even if you don’t understand, it will feel like you’re sleeping with someone new. Extra points for whispering it in your ear.
Masturbate in the Bath Before You Have Sex
There’s something so fun and naughty about masturbating in the bath. A woman can use the faucet, a showerhead, or a waterproof toy, and if a man is present, he can sit behind her and rub her breasts. It’s so intimate and naughty feeling.
Treat Yourself To A New Toy Or Prop
It’s the holiday season, so check out my guide to some sexy new vibrators and gifts you can treat yourself to. There’s nothing like some new swag to make things feel fresh.
Have A Silent Session
Try challenging yourself to be totally silent and just focus on your breath the next time you have sex. It’s incredibly intimate, and will make you more aware of the normal ways in which you usually perform during sex. For extra intensity, look them in the eyes as much as you can.
Flip The Usual Power Dynamic
If you’re usually the more dominant partner, challenge yourself to trying to being the submissive, and vice versa. It might seem weird or funny at first, but if you read this guide, you’ll be off to a great start.
Ambush Them When They Least Expect It
The other day, I was working from home when my partner snuck up behind me and started touching me. It was fun to have him want me at a totally unexpected time, and I was pleased to see that work could wait while we took a little quickie break.
Ask About An Ex During Sex
Pick an ex who you feel a comfortable level of threatened by — a bit, but who you know is in the past — and ask them how they used to like it when they were with them. “What position did she like to come in?” you can ask. “Show me.” Or you can ask them to recount a particularly fond sexual memory. You’ll get all the intensity of imagining them with someone else, without any actual non-monogamy in the mix. (That’s another great way to mix it up too, by the way, but you said you didn’t want to go too far outside your comfort zone, so that’s another column.)
Set A Constraint
Tell them they can do anything but penetrate you, or that they’re allowed to do anything but touch you with their lips. Try kissing and having to keep your clothes on for at least 30 minutes. Whatever it is that sounds hot to you, and reminds you of being a teenager — do that.
Play “Do You Remember”
Reminisce together about the first time you had sex — with them, or maybe in general — and describe it in as much detail as you can. If that doesn’t sound that hot, pick another time that sounds hot to remember, and the next time you’re stoned together or just chilling, surprise them by reminiscing out of the blue. Don’t initiate sex right away — and see who cracks first.
Follow The Golden Rule
If you’re feeling like sex is kind of boring lately, think about what you would want someone to do for you. And then, instead of being bitter that your partner isn’t doing that, initiate it yourself. It can be surprisingly hot to seduce someone the way you’d like to be seduced, and it will give them a good idea of what you want in the future. If you’re wondering what they might like, you can also think about the ways in which they touch you. If they’re always giving you booty massages, chances are they’d also love a booty rub.
Don’t Beat Yourself Up
Sex just can’t always feel brand-new. Especially if you have a monogamous longterm relationship, there are only so many ways to get that intensity that you might have felt at the beginning. That said, you will still feel it sometimes — especially if you follow these tips. Just don’t be hard on yourself if you don’t feel it all the time. Try to enjoy sex for what it is — a way to blow off steam, feel good, and connect with your partner. Just because it isn’t new or earth-shattering every time, doesn’t mean there’s something inherently boring or wrong with it, either.
Happy sexing!
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