Monday, February 26, 2024

The 9 Hottest First Ladies In History

“Who are the nine hottest First Ladies in History?” is a question that, for centuries, no one has been able to answer definitively. For starters, there have been many, many First Ladies—in the U.S., and abroad, where they’re often known as “Queens.” All have had various extremely hot traits. To settle this age-old debate, we at The Fresh Toast combed through the history books, consulted various scientists, and polled millions of people–alive and dead–who work in the front part of our office. The result is this list, which is the definitive record of the nine hottest First Ladies in History. Enjoy.

Catherine Jagiellon, 1526-1583, Wife of John III of Sweden

Jagiellon had quite the life. At different times, she was a Polish princess, the Queen of Sweden, and the Grand Princess of Finland, which puts her in a tie with First Lady Hillary Clinton (First Lady, Senator, Secretary of State) for most professional titles for a First Lady that I know of. Also, she wore good hats.

Michelle Obama, b. 1964, Wife of Barack Obama, 44th U.S. President

An Ivy League-educated lawyer, Michelle Obama is objectively hot because she’s friends with many celebrities, and celebrities do not spend time with non-hot people, even if their husband is the most powerful person on Earth.

Dolley Madison, 1768—1849, Wife of James Madison, 4th President

The first First Lady was technically Martha Washington, but the first First Lady to be known as a First Lady was Dolley Madison, who was referred to as such at her funeral in 1849. If that interesting fact isn’t enough to make her a top-7 hottest First Lady, how about this: In 1814, as the British approached the White House at the War of 1812, Madison is said to have chosen to save an $800 portrait of George Washington by artist Gilbert Stuart instead of some of her personal belongings. The painting turned out to be a copy, but that doesn’t take away from the hotness of Dolley’s bravery.

Catherine Howard, 1522-1542, Wife of Henry VIII

The fifth wife of Henry VIII, Catherine was a hot First Lady because she had lots of extramarital sex both before and during her marriage to the King. Sadly, those affairs led to her beheading. Worth it? Maybe.

Jacqueline Kennedy Onassis, 1929-1994, Wife of John F. Kennedy, 35th U.S. President

Considered by my girlfriend and probably many others to be the hottest First Lady of all time, Jackie O. is the only First Lady to have married a billionaire. Other First Ladies should be so lucky, aside from the assassination-of-her-husband-right-next-to-her-in-broad-daylight part.

Laura Bush, b. 1946, Wife of George W. Bush, 43rd U.S. President

Reading, especially if your husband is functionally illiterate, is sexy, which explains why former librarian Laura Bush is on this list.

Abigail Fillmore, 1798 – 1853, Wife of Millard Fillmore, 13th U.S. President

What can we say about Abigail Fillmore that hasn’t been said before. She’s clearly hot.

Margaret Trudeau, b. 1948, Wife of Pierre Trudeau, 15th Prime Minister of Canada

Everyone talks about how hot new Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau is and how many push-ups he can do and blah blah blah, but compared to his mother Margaret, Justin is blander than a bag of milk. In the 1970s, Mrs. Trudeau reportedly smuggled drugs in luggage belonging to her husband, then-Canadian PM Pierre Trudeau, and was a regular at Studio 54. She also claims to have had affairs with Jack Nicholson (cool) and Ted Kennedy (gross).

Carla Bruni, b. 1967, Former Wife of Nicolas Sarkozy, 23rd President of France

Real Pretty.

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