What do we mean when we say “kids say the darndest things?” Well it’s about a child’s often breathtaking, refreshing honesty. Kids don’t understand social decorum or manners. They don’t realize you shouldn’t insult grandmas’ apple strudel just because it tasted like burned trash.
No one keeps it realer than a child. They are the physical embodiment of the red 100 emoji. So often you’ll hear from a family member involving the phrase, “You won’t believe what [Insert Child’s Name Here] said yesterday.” And so often you laugh at these stories.
As funny as these moments are, you’re kind of limited to the stories within your own family. But thanks to some wonderful, hilarious parents on Twitter, that’s no longer the case. These are parents capturing their children at their raw, unfiltered selves. See if you don’t recognize a child you know in these tweets.
https://twitter.com/ashleyaustrew/status/726893403972198400
My 5 yo after I explained the concept of breastfeeding: "can you squeeze Capri Suns outta those things or just milk?"
— Ally (@TragicAllyHere) January 23, 2016
My 4yo has never said "great" non-sarcastically. Pretty sure he just thinks it's a negative word.
I'm a great dad.
— Dad and Buried (@DadandBuried) July 20, 2015
[At dinner]
Daughter: Daddy, how much of this meatball is meat?
Me: Probably like 90%
D: So it's 10% balls?
Me: *spits out food*— Tim (@Playing_Dad) January 3, 2016
The Girl: Why would someone dress like a hamster?
Me:…. Do you mean hipster?
Girl: What's the difference?
— Ponies and Martinis (@PonyMartini) September 24, 2015
5: I'ma marry Noah.
Me: Why?
5: He's handsome and I like his shirt.
Me: Looks aren't everything.
5: He likes to clean too.
Me: Lock that in.— Ash (an female) ⚪️ (@adult_mom) January 26, 2016
[bed time]
Me: Your mom told you to stay in bed.
3-year-old: There's a scary monster in my closet
Me: Scarier than Mom?
3: *goes to bed*
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) April 28, 2016
10: Mom what's a metaphor?
Me: My life is a train wreck.
10: I know Mom, but what is a metaphor?
— 🌴Sardonic Tart🌴 (@SardonicTart) December 12, 2014
4yo: What happens if your phone goes in the potty?
Me: WHY?
4yo: Never mind.
— Stephanie Jankowski (@CrazyExhaustion) September 2, 2015
https://twitter.com/bourgeoisalien/status/743472310628286464
6: Daddy, I'm mad at you.
Me: What for?
6: I'm not telling you.She's already a woman.
— Rich Cromwell (@rcromwell4) March 3, 2016
5yo just took a picture of me then said, "Ok, but next time try to be beautiful."
In case I had a shred of confidence left.— Angie B (@Angibangie) September 25, 2016
(Man hobbles into grocery store using a cane)
5: HEY MOM THAT MAN IS USING A WALKING STICK BC HIS BONES AREN'T STRONG & HE'LL DIE SOON RIGHT— sweatpants cher🔸 (@House_Feminist) June 3, 2016
My 2yo said she is a grown up. I told her she isn't, that she is a toddler. She replied, "No, I'm a grown up. I'm going to touch knives."
— jess (retired) (@jessokfine) June 29, 2015
7yo(to 10yo brother): You're just a little BITCH!
Me: Whoa, hey! Sit down! Do you even know what that means?
7yo: No. But I know he is one!— keith (@tchrquotes) August 28, 2015
Most inventors are smart, but not the person who invented homework. They are the worst of all the inventors.
-My 7yo— Jennifer Lizza (@outsmartedmommy) June 15, 2016
Daughter: How was your day, Daddy?
Me: Pretty busy, lots of meetings and deadlines.
Her: DEAD LIONS!?!— The Dad (@thedad) March 19, 2013
Daughter: You're invading my personal space
Mom: You came out of my personal space
— Moe (@_Mo_lee_) January 8, 2016
Me: You can't like Kylo Ren. He killed his dad.
5-year-old: Maybe he deserved it.
I'm never sleeping again.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) April 11, 2016
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