You could call it bad luck if a venomous spider bites your penis while you’re sitting on a portable toilet. But if a similar venomous spider bites your penis in the same exact spot five months later while you’re sitting on another portable toilet, you might want to examine your life and think about what you might have done to deserve such a cursed existence.
In April, the BBC reported that an Australian construction worker named Jordan (he declined to give his last name) was bit by a redback spider on his penis while he was using the toilet on a job site. This morning, poor Jordan was back in the news for the same thing.
I’m the most unlucky guy in the country at the moment.
“I’m the most unlucky guy in the country at the moment,” he told the BBC. “I was sitting on the toilet doing my business and just felt the sting that I felt the first time.I was like ‘I can’t believe it’s happened again.’ I looked down and I’ve seen a few little legs come from around the rim.”
He’d even learned his lesson from the first bite and tried to avoid portable toilets, but—giving further credence to my just-invented theory that it’s this man’s fate to be repeatedly bit on the dick by scary spiders—it didn’t matter.
“After the first time it happened I didn’t really want to use one again,” he said. “Toilets got cleaned that day and I thought it was my opportunity to go use one. Had a look under both seats and then I sat down did my business. Next thing you know, I’m bent over in pain.”
My advice for this guy: Next time (and every time, really) you have to shit, hold it until you get home.