Saturday, June 15, 2024

A Daily Horoscope For Everyone, Because Your Zodiac Sign Is Not Changing

A big change may be approaching your horizon. You could see the migratory arrow formation of birds across your skies. It will come as the most uncommon of missives these days: fake viral news.

The headline will read: “So your star sign is actually wrong.” You will doubt if this horoscope you are currently reading even counts. You, too, upon skimming the article will blame NASA for ruining your life. The chaos will feel like it’s all around you, a sinking mud pit. All because no one ever told you there’s a 13th zodiac sign.

This confusion will threaten your very sanity, dredging up questions like: Has my whole life been a lie? And: Did my parents ever love me? For what purpose does your puny existence serve if you can’t even trust the horoscopes that secretly gave you the confidence to leave that waitress your phone number? “You will encounter an opportunity at love this day. Don’t waste it,” the horoscope read—and even though she never responded, nor did any of the other 47 waitresses you left numbers for that very expensive, gluttonous day—it gave you the one thing you cling to on these darkest of days: hope.

Your core will be shook. As shook as a defender on an Allen Iverson crossover, that’s how shook you will feel. Pants around your ankles, laying on your back, begging for a timeout, so you can properly cry on the bench. In other words, the shookest of shooks.

With this smallest of information, this 13th zodiac sign, this new member of the family will feel like it changed everything. And indeed, others will tell you it has. A list below will generate across sites like a plague and you will read it and wonder what in the hell an Ophiuchus is.

Capricorn: January 20 – February 16
Aquarius: February 16 – March 11
Pisces: March 11 – April 18
Aries: April 18 – May 13
Taurus: May 13 – June 21
Gemini: June 21 – July 20
Cancer: July 20 – August 10
Leo: August 10 – September 16
Virgo: September 16 – October 30
Libra: October 30 – November 23
Scorpio: November 23 – November 29
Ophiuchus: November 29 – December 17
Sagittarius: December 17 – January 20

Although this new sign Ophiuchus stands for characteristics people says they love on the internet—unity, diversity—they will lash out because it represents the greatest evil of all: change.

Light will come, though. It will take a light news day—the distance truthiness travels in approximately one news cycle—but its salvation will cause you to rejoice. And it will come with a bold, but declarative statement: “NASA studies astronomy, not astrology.”

You will learn through your sleuth investigation that someone read an educational astronomy page for kids and lost their shit/thought they’d create bold content. And someone will tell you the 13th zodiac sign was always there, just ancient Babylonians wanted 12 to match their 12-lunar month Babylonian calendar. You will even read what NASA spokesperson Dwayne Brown told Gizmodo and you will laugh: “We didn’t change any Zodiac signs, we just did the math.”

All will return to its natural state. No bird formations will cloud your skies. At least, not yet.


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