Sunday, June 16, 2024

Visualize The News: Fearing A Future Without Kim Kardashian, Tom Cruise As Messiah

Within our hyper-accelerated news culture, it can be tough to keep up with everything. But maintaining an informed populace remains vital to our culture. So for those stories that don’t quite need your undivided attention, we’re helping you digest stuff with GIFS, pics, and whatever qualifies as a quick fix. Remember: Knowing is half the battle. The other half: Laughing at funny memes. 

We must protect the Kardashians

Like pro football, apple pie, and the Michael Jordan crying meme, Keeping Up With The Kardashians is an American institution. We rely on these entities to persist, even amidst our collapsing, frightening world. Maybe we’re not lost without them, but imagining a universe where I can’t place a MJ-crying face on my friend’s face isn’t a universe I’m much interested in living.

Our reality may be ruptured soon it seems. According to TMZ, KUWTK’s production will remain on hiatus through the end of the year. The show initially stopped production after Kim Kardashian was robbed in her Pairs hotel this past October. Plans were to resume filming soon until Kanye was hospitalized following reports he suffered from “temporary psychosis.”

Apparently there’s enough footage to meet series requirements, though the plan was to film through December. Since the robbery, TMZ’s sources say Kim has been “rethinking everything.”

There you have it. Kim’s rethinking everything, like if we’re all living in a simulation, whether LeBron James is a better basketball player than Michael Jordan, and whether social media benefits or destroy our social structures. You know, things of that nature.

How might this impact the future of KUWTK? As I said, it’s an American institution (what’s an institution again?). The possibility of it ending isn’t heartwarming. Just ask Kanye.


We must embrace this unstable future of ours, though. While KUWTK will probably continue (because the Kardashians aren’t turning down that E! money), let’s briefly reminisce on what we might soon miss.





Your response to all this news could be a resounding Who Cares? If so, why are you reading this? Also, what more do you want? Are you not enlightened by Kendall’s philosophical musings?

I won’t waste my time. Kourt, can you help us out here.


Tom Cruise, the Messenger

Stop me if you heard this one before: Tom Cruise is the Messiah. Have I been known to casually toss out such a statement? Depends. How recently have I seen Top Gun? Easy to slip into hyperbole then. But what if A Few Good Men is the last Cruise vehicle I’ve seen? I’ll probably go around “demanding answers” that “I think I’m entitled to.” If Vanilla Sky and/or Minority Report have popped on a streaming device, then I’ll be questioning the nature of my reality and thinking Cameron Diaz is one crazy bitch.

Within the Church of Scientology, such variables don’t exist. He’s their Messiah.


Stop laughing, Tom. This is real, at least according to former Church member and King of Queens actress Leah Remini. She’s hosting a miniseries on A&E called Leah Remini: Scientology and the Aftermath and published her account of leaving the Church in the 2015 bestseller Troublemaker: Surviving Hollywood and Scientology. To promote the show, she hosted a recent AMA on Reddit where someone asked “Is Tom Cruise really the ‘Messiah?’ ”

Remini was blunt in her response:

To the “Church,” yes. Parishioners believe that he is singlehandedly changing the planet because that is what the “Church” is telling them.

To which I say: What does this GIF mean to you? Because to me it sums up all feelings and thoughts regarding this news.



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