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5 Weirdest Takeaways From Goop’s ‘Sex Issue’

While Goop has received its fair share of criticism over their, um, unorthodox lifestyle and wellness recommendations, it’s still a pretty successful business with plenty of followers and fans.

Launched by Gwyneth Paltrow in 2008 as a newsletter, Goop evolved into an international company that hosts summits and sells different items, such as vitamin programs and skincare products.

Their latest book, The Sex Issue, discusses all sorts of sex things in a very Goop-y manner, which is funny and also mind-boggling. The book reveals polls from their staff, consults with experts, discusses BDSM, and ethical porn. You know, light reading.

Hollywood Reporter compiled some of the strangest things that the issue covers.

Here are 5 of our favorite take-aways:

Your Dating Profile Should Be A “Lobster Trap”

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That’s a really bad mental image to have, but maybe there’s a useful metaphor in there somewhere. According to Goop, you should chill, because some weeks lobsters wander into your dating profile or “trap”, and on some weeks they don’t. They also say that the “lobster is the most sustainable seafood there is,” which, thanks, I guess?

In conclusion, Goop’s metaphors suck and you should also avoid stressing out while using dating apps.

Look For “Quirky Places To Get It On”

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In one section of the book, Goop staff-members list the weirdest — sorry, quirkiest — places where they’ve ever had sex, including a rain forest and a child’s pirate ship.

The “Sacred Snake Ceremony”

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Nope, the “sacred snake” in this instance is not a penis, it’s an actual snake. This ritual advised by a spiritual intimacy leader allows you to tap into your “divine feminine power,” by vibing with legit SNAKES. According to this crazy person, snakes are energy masters, capable of unlocking a woman’s sensuality whenever the ritual is conducted.

Condoms Have Dairy In Them

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Oh no, what will the vegans do? Goop also advises on buying water-based lubricant, and suggest, if you’re really concerned about the dairy in condoms, to buy the vegan-friendly option called Sustain, which — wouldn’t you know it — they sell on their site for $29.

Drink Lots Of Water

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The editors call this their “GOOP-iest sex tip ever.” So, yeah.

You can buy The Sex Issue on their website or on Amazon for $26.

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