Monday, July 22, 2024

7 Reasons Valentine’s Day Is The Worst Holiday Ever

There’s no denying that Valentine’s Day in the US is big business. Sixty-two percent of Americans celebrate it, spending on average $70-100 per person on gifts and dinners on this bizarre yearly mating ritual.

If you’re among the 38 percent who couldn’t care less about this holiday, enjoy these words of encouragement to ignore the day altogether.

Boxes Of Chocolate Are Trash

Nothing says “I have no idea what your tastes are and I’m covering my own ass” like a mixed box of chocolates. Unless your significant other actually, genuinely enjoys taking one bite each out of 12 different kinds of candy before leaving it all in the box to get old and stale. A certain type of person might enjoy doing that, just for the joy of being super rude to the next person who comes along to steal a piece, and that’s great! But for most gift-getters, this is not the look.

The Patriarchy Must Die

Like most holidays around romance (see also: the dreaded New Year’s Eve kiss, most birthdays, Christmas if you’re not careful), this one puts a lot of pressure on how the man gives gifts to the woman. We can probably thank romantic comedies for this one, but we’re beyond that now, right? Giving is as fun as getting, for both sides — likewise, mutually rejecting the idea is also fun. Sidenote: The man versus woman stereotype of gift-giving leaves out a whole wide spectrum of non-binary, queer and polyamorous couples. So, screw it!

Flowers Are Expensive And Dead

Americans spend $1.9 billion on average purchasing flowers for their dates on Valentine’s day. They’re not great for the environment, either: The floral industry employs people and is far from the biggest culprit in climate-damaging footprint, but it does use pesticides and water. Opt for a live plant, or give a weed bouquet and support your local growers, instead!

Diamonds Are Over

Millennials are killing the diamond industry, and not for the reason you’d think. “Millennials don’t want what all their friends have and don’t want what they’ve been told to have,” Amanda Gizzi, a spokeswoman for Jewelers of America, told CNBC. Maybe he went to Jared, but so did all of his buddies.

Its Origins Are So, So Bizarre

This is less of a reason to hate the day and more of a reason to hate what it’s become. Don’t let Hallmark fool you into thinking Valentine’s Day was always a romantic love-fest. The holiday started as a wild ancient Roman festival known as Lupercalia: Men would skin a dog and a goat, and then whip willing women with the hides, followed by a matchmaking lottery. In the 3rd century A.D., the emperor executed two men, both named Valentine, on different years but both on February 14th. They were considered saints and martyrs, and their stories were romanticized by Shakespeare and Chaucer. Tinder sounds pretty mellow now, huh?

Social Media Makes Couples Intolerable

Did we need to know that you swirling-heart-emoji your Woman Crush Wednesday or that your Man Crush Monday is your man crush everyday? Nope. And once you’ve seen one photo of someone getting a bouquet at their desk at work, you’ve seen ‘em all. Keep that shit to yourself, and let the rest of us carry on taking quizzes and stalking our exes in peace.

Related: 5 Pranks That Will Completely Screw Up Your Valentine’s Day

We’re Gonna Stalk Our Exes

Just, we’re gonna. It happens. No more pregnancy announcements or engagement photos on this day, of all days, for the love of all that is good. Save it for February 15th.

Which brings us to the one reason why you can find solace in Valentine’s Day: All of this junk goes on sale the day after. Stock up on clearance chocolate like you’re a doomsday prepper, and shamelessly take a single bite out of each piece.

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