Was 2013’s The Wolverine not quite violent enough for you? Was X-Men Apocalypse not apocalyptic enough for you? Then this is your year, my friend. Because in March we’re getting the third film of the Wolverine Trilogy: Logan.
Loosely based on the Old Man Logan story arc from Mark Millar and Steve McNiven, Logan will be set in a post-apocalyptic future with an aged and retired Wolverine played for the final time by Hugh Jackman (or as I like to call him: Huge Jackedman). Instead of cutting through hordes of ninjas or evil mutants, Logan now spends his time caring for an ailing Professor X (Patrick Stewart). The two are brought out of hiding, when a young mutant girl (Dafne Keen) emerges with powers very similar to Logan’s. They seek to protect her from a company called Transigen and its cyborg head of security Donald Pierce (Boyd Holbrook).
This film looks exactly what we’ve wanted in a Wolverine movie—an old, gritty Logan reaching out for redemption in a decrepit wasteland, and to achieve said redemption he’ll have to pop his claws one last time. Jackman accepted a pay reduction to ensure that the film got an R-rating. With the rating we’ll not only get the true amount of violence and gore usually associated with Wolverine comics, but also, based off of the Red Band trailers, a fair amount of adult-oriented humor. This is also made possible by the success of 2015’s Deadpool, which was a huge box office success despite its R-rating and crude jokes unlike our typical comic book movie fare.
It would be silly for the film not to be rated R when considering the story the film is loosely adapted from. Old Man Logan is a dark timeline. The United States is fractured and run by its greatest villains—and its heroes have all been killed. The man once called Wolverine hasn’t popped his claws in 50 years; instead he runs a farm with his wife and two children. But when he owes the Hulk rent money he doesn’t have, he begrudgingly accepts a job offer from his old friend and fellow avenger Hawkeye. They hop aboard the Spider-Buggy and start their adventure to New Babylon.
Even the famed Spider-Buggy couldn’t traverse the various speed bumps our heroes would encounter on their journey. Their first detour takes them to Fisk Lake City to rescue Hawkeye’s daughter and Peter Parker’s granddaughter, the new Spider-Woman (a.k.a. Spider-Bitch and no I’m not making that up, that’s her alias). Her motives were more self-serving than the duo intended when she kills and replaces the current Kingpin then sends her newly acquired henchmen to kill her father and Logan. This leads to more encounters with Moloids and a Venom symbiote that bonded with a T-Rex.
With these events under his belt Wolverine finally confides in Hawkeye. We learn the reason he’s become a pacifist is because during the villain uprising, it wasn’t the villains that murdered the X-Men, but Logan himself. Wolverine fought and killed what he perceived to be a horde of supervillains, but was really an illusion created by Mysterio. He then went into the woods and let a train run over his head. With his healing factor he of course survived this suicide attempt, but as far as he was concerned the Wolverine was dead.
The story then spirals out of control in the best possible way. Hawkeye gets double crossed and killed, but Wolverine gets his groove back. He kills the President Red Skull, then flies back to Hulkland in an Iron Man armor. Unfortunately he arrives too late. Even though his rent wasn’t due for another 3 weeks the Hulk gang (the incestuous hillbilly grandchildren of the Hulk and his first cousin She-Hulk) got bored and killed his family. Wolverine gets his vengeance by killing the Hulk Gang. With his sights on Bruce Banner himself, Logan confronts the one true Hulk, and is almost immediately eaten alive. However, the Hulk didn’t take that pesky Wolverine healing factor into account when he tears through his stomach a few hours later, finally killing the Hulk.
How can a story with Hulk incest not be rated R? Well unfortunately the movie version won’t have Hawkeye, Red Skull or the Hulk, because those properties are owned by Marvel Studios. (Thank God right? Hulk Incest?… gross) However, we will be getting a cinematic version of our favorite Wolverine clone, X-23. When there were 22 failed attempts at cloning Wolverine from a damaged DNA sample, a top secret program decided to ditch that pesky Y-chromosome, and create a terrifying femme fatale in the form of Laura Kinney a.k.a. X-23.
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From the trailers we can see Laura is just as violent as her comic book counterpart, but can she take over the mantle of Wolverine? This is Hugh Jackman’s last film starring as the character. Who do we have to thank for this being the case you might ask? Well somewhat indirectly, but surprisingly, Jerry Seinfeld. During a television appearance on Live! With Kelly and Michael, Huge Jackman regaled us with the story:
“I was having a chat with [Seinfeld] about a year ago, at his birthday, and he was talking about why he finished [Seinfeld],” explained Jackman. “He said he’d always had this feeling and belief that you never know when either your energy or the audience’s energy is going to dip over into people [saying] ‘Oh, please go.'”
We can’t help but wonder what Seinfeld’s reaction watching Logan and reading the Old Man Logan comics would be now.
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