Within our hyper-accelerated news culture, it can be tough to keep up with everything. But maintaining an informed populace remains vital to our culture. So for those stories that don’t quite need your undivided attention, we’re helping you digest stuff with GIFS, pics, and whatever qualifies as a quick fix. Remember: Knowing is half the battle. The other half: Laughing at funny memes.
Bob Dylan Friend Zones Nobel Prize
Watching the Nobel Prize committee’s continued courting of Bob Dylan, you wish they’d realized they were in the friend zone. But they have not and Dylan keeps teasing the prestigious award committee, leaving little breadcrumbs that maybe, alternately, possibly he’ll bestow them with his presence, and give them the honor they deserve.
The latest: Dylan still will not attend the ceremony, but has now submitted a speech to be read as his acceptance.
Bob Dylan (#NobelPrize in Literature 2016) has provided a speech which will be read at the Nobel banquet in Stockholm December 10.
— The Nobel Prize (@NobelPrize) December 5, 2016
Sigh. You’re better than this, Nobel Prize committee. In addition, Patti Smith will now perform a special arrangement of Dylan’s 1963 record “A Hard Rain’s a-Gonna Fall.” The arrangement will fill also feature Royal Philharmonic Orchestra with Swedish conductor Hans Ek.
However, we at The Fresh Toast would like to share an exclusive excerpt of Dylan’s acceptance speech. A high-placed source sent this to us by underwater walrus mail. Here is a small sampling of what Dylan prepared for the Nobel Prize committee.
Kyle Jenner Declares War on Christmas
Now this is an example of our prestigious literal journalism here at Visualize The News. We bring you the story other outlets who have much better things to do won’t. Like how much Kylie Jenner hates Christmas.
I can't wait to get my tree up for xmas?????
— Kylie Jenner (@KylieJenner) December 4, 2016
We know, we know. It’s a slight on humanity what she did there. Don’t worry, the internet rose up and did what it always does: aggressively target microscopic causes against celebrities who don’t care about them.
Christmas… you had enough characters in your tweet to say Christmas, so just say it.
— Yodit Hailu (@yoditnicole) December 4, 2016
A normal investigative enterprise team would stop there, but Visualize The News doesn’t stop there. Move over, Spotlight. Your time in the—(don’t let him say spotlight, don’t let him say spotlight)—limelight is over.
Because what we discovered here at VTN was that Kylie Jenner’s war on Christmas started long ago on an underground program called Keeping Up With The Kardashians. Don’t believe us? Look at these clips.
You can’t see him, but off-screen is Billy Bob Thornton. But Kylie can only see him as his Bad Santa character. Which means Kylie only sees a drunk, shitty Santa Claus that she wants to punch in the throat.
Case in point: Kylie Jenner hates Santa Claus.
In the above clip, she’s looking at Christmas trees, fantasizing about burning all the evergreens in the planet.
As everyone knows Pinkberry is the catnip for elves. The callous carelessness with which she treats such an elvish delicacy—to steal the words from her mouth—is literally repulsive. If only she knew the damage she was doing to the elves with such a sentiment. Stop attacking Christmas, Kylie. Hasn’t your family done enough?
Donald Trump and the No Good, Very Bad, Windy Day
Look close and you’ll see Donald Trump scotch tapes his tie together. As seen as he excited plane in Indiana today as the wind kicked up: pic.twitter.com/Qzzkup5AZd
— D. Hunter Schwarz (@hunterschwarz) December 2, 2016
Unless it isn’t clear, Donald Trump has taped—as in like Scotch tape—his tie together. Maybe that explains his hair.
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