Tuesday, February 20, 2024

Super Scientific Report Proves That 2016 Was ‘The Worst Year Ever’

A sobering report came out of the “scientific community” this week as a recent study confirmed that 2016 was in fact “the worst year ever.”

Sampling bone shavings from dinosaur fossils and comparing them to those of recently deceased humans, scientists empirically concluded that humanity is living in the worst of times. Researchers used dinosaur fossils closely dated to the Ice Age, because “a space rock catapulted into the planet and almost killed every form of life–what could be worse than that?” as Stan Frankowicz, one of the lead researchers, posited.

The scientists also tested fossil shavings from other historic periods also believed to be “the worst” such as The Black Death (a disease that eliminated 75 to 200 million Europeans), that one time New World explorers basically killed a civilization with their Old World diseases, “the bloody summer of 1919,” the American Civil War, and essentially anytime before the Internet existed.

Still, 2016 remained atop the rankings as “worst year ever.”

“The internet loves exaggerating things, and when ‘worst year ever’ trended, we thought in no way could this be possible. You can stream every movie for free, and order bacon on anything. Literally anything,” Frankowicz said. “Unfortunately we didn’t like what we found.”

Frankowicz and his team discovered a stubborn disease, previously undetected, infecting a vital human organ necessary for survival: the bullshit detector. This disease, which scientists don’t yet understand how it came to be, has broken bullshit detectors in the masses.

“People just believe anything now!” wrote Janet Wiley, another of the study’s researchers, in an email. “Without a bullshit detector, information and opinions pass unfiltered into the brain’s neocortex and are accepted as truth. Over time that much backasswards input will disintegrate portions of the basal ganglia and cause individuals to believe really, really, really stupid things.”

Scientists believe that this disease has contributed to 2016 being “the worst year ever.” The death and destruction and denigration witnessed this year may be caused by humans “accepting whatever they want as fact,” as Frankowicz said. This small team is now searching for a possible cure to this widespread calamity, but have yet to make any headway.

As Wiley wrote, “There really might not be anything we can do. We may have to accept that humanity has lost its bullshit detector forever.”


Celebrating The Espresso Martini

Despite a few Grinches, the holiday sales confirm marijuana is mainstream which is good news all the way around.


How Working At An Office Can Make You Fat

Humans are products of their environment and when the environment is a large office space, that means humans are products of gluttony.

Don't Miss Your Weekly Dose of The Fresh Toast.

Stay informed with exclusive news briefs delivered directly to your inbox every Friday.

We respect your privacy. Unsubscribe anytime.