Monday, April 15, 2024

The Week in Hot Messes: Illegal Sex in Bed Bath & Beyond, Snakes in Ears, and a 19-Inch Penis

What a week. Beyond all the political hubbub and Super Bowl hype, there were all sorts of crazy and scandalous stories from around the world. The majority, as usual, involved sex, but more than a few involved animals, and one involved a naked jogger on the campus of a tech giant. To find out more, read on.

We start in Redmond, Washington, where a man was briefly detained by police who caught him jogging completely nude (aside for his black sneakers) at 3:30 am on the Microsoft campus. But how did the cops spot the man so late at night? They reported “seeing nude buttocks illuminated by a streetlight.” Ah, of course.

In other nude news, a Mexican man who claims to have a 19-inch penis—which would be the world’s largest—says he hopes to one day move to the U.S. where he’ll be able to pursue a successful career as a porn star. We’d like to believe that’s an immigration plan that even President Trump would endorse.

Two men were arrested for allegedly having sex in a Bed Bath & Beyond in New Jersey earlier this week. Making the crime even worse? They were both reportedly covered with scabies, forcing the fumigation of the police station where they were detained.

And then there was the woman who wrote about having sex with a man who had a bionic penis. “It felt like a normal stiffee in my hand, and I didn’t feel the pump or valve when I road tested it in my mouth,” she wrote. “It was rock hard, like it should be, but I didn’t feel like I was sucking a tail pipe or anything. And by the time we actually did the deed, I forget all about the implant and enjoyed myself.” Technology is amazing.

In Florida, a well-known pastor was forced to flee a woman’s home without any clothes on when the woman’s husband caught them having sex and got his gun. The husband then threatened to drop the man’s clothes and phone off at his church. The issue was eventually resolved but not before making the local news. Oops.

Moving on to the world of crime, there was the bright woman who called the police to complain that her drug dealer was charging her too much for weed. “If you know a drug dealer who is ripping you off, give us a call, we’d love to help,” the police responded on social media. Not a bad “crime” fighting strategy…

And finally, there was the woman who somehow got her pet python stuck in her earlobe hole. I was holding my #SNAKE and his #DUMB ASS saw a hole, which just so happened to be my fuckin #EARLOBE, and thought that it would be a bright idea to #ATTEMPT to make it through… It all happened SO fast that before I even knew what was going on it was already too late…” she wrote on Facebook, before noting that she was now in the Emergency room. Thankfully, doctors were able to remove it without harming her or the snake.

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