Tuesday, February 20, 2024

Debate 2016: Clinton And Trump Ruin Puppets For Everyone

As Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump battle for the collective soul of our (kind of) great nation, innocent bystanders have suffered a great many of casualties: Skittles, bad hombres, “nasty women,” Ken Bone, Tic Tacs, and our sanity.

War is long and heartbreaking, but not all should suffer from the many sideswipes this election has seen. During Wednesday night’s third and (thank god) final debate, we witnessed yet another bright soul fall victim to the war. Both Clinton and Trump fired salvos aimed at this target. They did so in such a derogatory manner you wonder if these candidates ever considered this causality a soul so very much alive.

We are gathered here today to celebrate the life of “puppets,” once so vibrant and beautiful, but now discarded and cold. In case you forgot the cause of death, we remind you now.

“No, you’re the puppet,” Trump said, so casually, like “puppets” never lived at all. It breaks your heart, really. Please, scroll down and remember how great puppets have been, how they pulled strings for you that you never thought were possible. We miss you already, puppets.

Potter Puppet Pals

When J.K. Rowling wrote the generation-defining Harry Potter series, we thought she created a world bequeathed from her imagination. But then we learned the truth: She’d discovered these puppets. Though she fictionalized their lives—and continues to do so despite all of us wishing she’d just stop already—this was how their story began. As puppets.

Team America

Throughout the history of our country, many wars have been waged like the one we find ourselves in now. Typically, we imagined those wars having been fought with armies and navies and aircraft, but some time ago it was revealed what our secret weapon really was: puppets. Yes, puppets have saved this country’s freedoms more than we care to admit. To think we so carelessly cast off their lives now.

Sesame Street

Through major university studies, we have deduced a searing truth: Without puppets, our kids would be fucking dumb. Thank you, Elmo and the rest of the Sesame Street gang, about a great so many of things.

Kermit the Frog


Fun fact: The Internet would be approximately 5,000 times less fun and more trash if it weren’t for Kermit. Would memes cease to exist? Would everything just be Crying Jordan Face and Shaking Arthur Fist? Perhaps. So thank god for Kermit, a puppet.

Jeff Dunham

Puppets made an average comedian funny!

Being John Malkovich

Puppets tied together a high-concept movie about the frailty and illusory control we maintain over our own lives and made simple the way other people “take over” our lives and pull our strings and provided laughter in an otherwise loopty-loo story.

Thank you, puppets, for shining so bright. We will not let this darkness overtake you.


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