Mythology is responsible for a lot of cool things. These tales paint beautiful scenes about war and a world that’s lost, and also have some really freaky sex stories. Myths have some moments that maybe, 2000 years ago, weren’t such a big deal. Now that we’ve lived a little longer and evolved, a few warning bells ring when we read the story where Zeus turns himself into a bull and proceeds to rape Europa. Not cool, Zeus.
It’s not only Zeus that’s a little weird when it comes to sex, there’s a whole bunch of stories from different regions of the world that will have you mumbling “What?” once you’re through with them.
Join us as we list out the creepiest ones:
Indra, AKA That Hindu God With A Thousand Vaginas.
Indra was sort of the equivalent of Zeus for the Hindu crowd of the era. Aside from being the lord of creation, he had a lot of stuff in common with Zeus, including his love for dramatically throwing lightning bolts and for transforming himself into other women’s husbands so he could sleep with them. This is all Mythology 101.
In one of the strangest myths ever, Indra disguises himself as Gautana because he really wanted to sleep with his wife, Ahalya. He pulled off the disguise and it all worked out, because Indra managed to have sex with her. When Gautana found out he was understandably mad, so he decided to curse Indra by having thousands of vaginas magically sprout out from all over his body. How about that, Indra?
Maximon, The Guatemalan Saint Of Gambling And Debauchery
This god/saint has a bad rep with the world, even the Vatican suggests not to pray to him, but he still has a devoted set of followers. This is due to his origin story, where one day, when all the men were out working the fields, he proceeded to sleep with all of their wives. After the husbands found out, they cornered Maximon and lynched him, cutting out all of his limbs and then his penis for being such a little sleaze.
As with all martyrs, Maximon is now revered and considered a saint. He represents fertility, male sexual power and wealth and he even has his own day where he is the star and where his face is uncovered as a way of honoring him.
Priapus Or That God With A Really Huge Dick
Ok so he’s technically not a god, but he was very close to being one.
The ancient greeks were always very modest with the penises that appeared in their art, portraying them in small and respectful ways. There’s one exception to this and that’s Priapus. Greek mythology states that Hera, Zeus’ wife, was super jealous of Aphrodite and her beauty, so she cursed her child with a deformity that banned him from Mt. Olympus. He had a very very large penis.
As Priapus roamed the Earth, he got up to all kinds of crazy stuff, one time trying to have sex with Hestia as she was asleep but never achieving it because some donkey in the distance made a really loud noise that woke her up and made Priapus flee the scene. Small mercies.
Enki, The Guy Who Created The Universe With His Ejaculation
The Sumerian God Enki, literally created the universe with his ejaculation. When it came to the creation of the Middle East, Enki used his penis as a shovel and then masturbated on the holes he just dug up creating the Tigris and the Euphrates rivers. These magical rivers of semen created the first plants and sources of food for civilization.
His very productive masturbation sesh also led to the creation of the world’s first humans, who were obviously inclined to revere his magical dick.
The Wandering Vagina
The Menihaku people of the Amazon obviously speak a different language, which when translated to English makes for some strange and interesting results. The legend of the Wandering Vaginas reasons that women’s vaginas used to roam around at night searching for food. One night, a man woke up to find one of these vaginas eating all of his food, so he branded it with fire. The vagina ran away in fear, looking for her rightful owner, who woke up in agony and advised all women and their vaginas to stick together and to respect other people’s food. No wonder there aren’t any loose vaginas roaming around the world anymore.