Everyone has a bad edibles experience, but Dion Waiters has a story that is funnier and costlier than yours ever was.
You never believe you’ll be the one destroyed by an edible. That’s what I thought when news of Dion Waiters, a professional NBA player for the Miami Heat, and his no good, very bad edible experience broke across my timeline. The story captivated, and still captures attention, because it’s an experience far too funny and relatable to ignore. A millionaire athlete, with every resource and tool imaginable to prevent something like this at his disposal, got wrecked mid-flight by a gummy bear.
Let’s peek behind the curtain for just a quick moment. Every Saturday afternoon at The Fresh Toast, we receive a spike in hits for one specific article: 9 Ways To Chill Out When You’ve Eaten Too Many Marijuana Edibles. Just last month a reader emailed thanking us for the article, after he ate too many edibles and “was FREAKING OUT and everyone had gone to sleep so I was by myself trying not to cry bc I thought I was dying,” he wrote.
Even those you would assume have all the marijuana experience in the world go through this. Snoop Dogg and Seth Rogen have sworn off edibles for this reason, saying popping a THC-infused gummy is too much of a “crapshoot.”
Now that all the empathy and understanding’s out of the way, it’s time we had fun. Sorry, Dion Waiters, your misery is our comedy.
“When the edible hits…”
According to ESPN’s official report, Waiters experienced “a panic attack” after consuming a “THC-infused edible” on a flight from Phoenix to Los Angeles. Passengers flying out of Seattle or Denver know the feeling. The initial report inspired a wealth of memes. It’d be a crime if I didn’t share these with you.
Dion Waiters when the third pack of edibles he ate finally kicks in pic.twitter.com/FcWEDjcPtH
— Jimmy (@jimmy_koski) November 9, 2019
He lost $2 million from edibles
The Miami Heat suspended Waiters for 10 games without pay for conduct detrimental to the team. To put that into context, Waiters has a $12.1 million salary this season. Missing 10 games translates to $800,000 in lost wages. Wait, there’s more! His contract also includes a potential $1.2 million bonus if he plays more than 70 games this season (reminder: there’s 82 total games in an NBA season). Waiters has yet to see the court this season, so the suspension already disqualifies him from that bonus.
Kudos to Saturday Night Live Chris Redd for capturing the nation’s mood after this news.
Dion waiters got suspended for being a fucking lightweight
— Chris Redd (@Reddsaidit) November 11, 2019
Teammate’s foul play
This story would be entertaining enough if it ended there. But the narrative gained a surprising twist, thanks to a report from The Athletic’s Shams Charania.
The Heat believe Waiters was given the “gummy” by a teammate, but Waiters has been reluctant and has decided not to say who provided it, sources tell @TheAthleticNBA @Stadium. Waiters has had a tumultuous series of events with Miami this season.
— Shams Charania (@ShamsCharania) November 10, 2019
It sounds like Waiters didn’t even mean to take the edible! A teammate, slipped him the ol’ okie doke and now he’s paying the consequences. Waiters might not snitch, but that hasn’t stopped everyone from assuming who it was. According to the internet, the likeliest culprit is Jimmy Butler. After all, Butler once detonated a team scrimmage with the Timberwolves by calling out and belittling teammates to their face. At one point, he yelled at Minnesota’s general manager Scott Layden, “”You f—ing need me, Scott. You can’t win without me.”
Good chances it’s him, right?
Pat Riley and Miami Heat FO: I want to know how the hell Dion Waiters got that gummy?!?!?
Jimmy Butler: pic.twitter.com/URewIW35Xl
— Tatum Splooge In My Mouth (@TatumSplooge) November 10, 2019
When jimmy butler gave dion waiters those gummies pic.twitter.com/ij8M48clMB
— José Magaña Jr. (@jomagsjr) November 11, 2019
Can’t stop, won’t stop
Trust us, this story is far from over. By all reports, Dion Waiters will return to the Miami Heat after serving his suspension and attempt to get back into the organization’s good graces. We can only assume how his first game back will go.