Monday, June 17, 2024

Designer Imposters: 5 Signs Your Craft Beer Is Probably Fake

Walmart is being sued for selling “craft beer” that is not actually craft beer at all. While the retail giant claims they are working in “collaboration” with a thing called Trouble Brewing to produce four different beer styles, the problem is there is no such brewery. According to USA Today, “Government filings say the beer is actually made by WX Brands, and the address listed is for Genesee Brewing, which is based in Costa Rica and makes ‘cheap college-party staples.’” What-huh-blurg?!

And while the four Trouble Brewing concoctions are stocked at “more than 3,000 Walmarts in 45 states,” says USA Today, all of this begets the question: Does Walmart even know what craft beer is? Do they know the stuff has guidelines and specificities? If not, time to put on your reading glasses, Walmart, because here are 5 signs the craft beer you’re selling is pure bullshit.

1. If someone describes your “Red Flag Amber” as “good for flip cup” it’s not craft beer.

According to USA Today, one taste-tester said this very thing. Confession alert! I’ve played flip cup. I know flip cup. I’ve made many mistakes as a result of flip cup. But let me tell you, one mistake I’ve never made is drinking a big-bodied amber while playing flip cup.

For flip cup, you want swill. You want light, easy-drinking stuff — stuff that won’t fill you up. Stuff that’s meant to be sipped and not chugged like your life depends on it.

2. If you go into a store looking for the cheapest craft beer, you’re not buying craft beer.

People go to Walmart to save money. But think about the word, “craft.” It evokes ideas of taking your time, of getting it right, of specificity and style. But when was the last time you walked into a Walmart looking for anything “craft.” It just doesn’t happen.

3. If the brand name of your craft beer (aka Trouble Brewing) is fictional and the beer is really made by something called WX Brands, it’s not craft beer.

Really, Walmart? WX Brands? What the fuck is that? It sounds like a company makes poison or shoddy dynamite for cartoon coyotes.

Craft breweries have names like 21st Amendment, Boundary Bay, Sierra Nevada. Not two random letters jammed together in a way that makes someone think of military-grade explosives.

4. If you walk into a Walmart to buy a product you’re familiar with but don’t know the brand, then Walmart is probably making it and so, by definition, it’s not “craft.”

One of craft beer’s specifications is that it has to be produced on a smaller scale. If it’s not produced on a small scale, then it’s just beer.

Walmart has almost all the money in the world and they produce goods at a rate that would stagger anyone thinking about industry one hundred years ago. If Walmart is (most likely) making your beer, it’s just beer.

5. If “Hey, I just got a great craft six-pack of IPA from Walmart” is something you believe, then you don’t know what craft beer is.

I mean, it’s just the basic smell test. Like if you heard someone say, “I got this great fillet mignon from Burger King, wanna come over and try it?” What would you say? Exactly.


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