Monday, June 17, 2024

Here’s How I Got My Vajayjay High

Recently I got my vagina stoned. No, I didn’t do some impressive kegels where I held a joint in my nether regions. Instead, I sprayed two squirts of THC-infused coconut oil onto my vagina… and waited.

I was introduced to “magic vagine oil,” as my friend calls it, at a boat party. We were sitting there, having a great lady chat, when she stood up and asked, “Who wants to make their vagina feel tingly?” Like a good dealer, she had samples of her product for every woman there. Not a shy bunch, we proceeded to stand in the middle of a body of water and rub oil that smells like weed onto our junk. Like ladies do.

Afterwards, we were told that it would take thirty to sixty minutes in order to feel the weed oil’s effects. However, since we weren’t actually touching ourselves in a kind of female circle jerk– you wish!– it is hard to tell how much our lady bits were being affected. One woman, however, looked particularly happy while sitting on the floor of the boat. She told me to join her, and I realized that I was particularly sensitive to the vibrations of the boat.

Turns out, boats are the world’s most expensive vibrators.

Yet I wasn’t fully satisfied. I wanted a more intense experience. That’s how I ended up in Union Square Park, huddling under my umbrella during a downpour, trying to find my vagina weed dealer. Oh, the things we do for drugs.

Once I finally made it home and dried myself off, it was time to get wet again. In a different way. I pulled down my shorts, put five good squirts of weed oil onto my hand, and rubbed it all over. “Inright, outright, upright, downright, happy all the time,” as the kids in Bible School say.

At this point, I have to give you some insider info about my anatomy. I’m one of the five to ten percent of women who identify as anorgasmic. In other words, I can feel a whole bunch of pleasure with my bits, but have never experienced a large climax.

That’s why I was so excited about the THC-infused oil. The stuff is supposed to produce results. It even has a legal equivalent, Foria Pleasure, which is sold in California. The product is described as “a therapeutic oil designed to enhance female pleasure and is made with all natural liquid coconut oil (MCT) and purified pharmaceutical-grade cannabis oil.”

RELATED: How Long Will You Be High

According to the Foria website, “younger, more sexually active women often reported an overall heightened and intensified experience, both leading up to and including orgasm, older testers have reported a sense of reconnection with their sexuality, a greater ease in accessing climax followed by a restful night’s sleep.” In other words, your vagina gets high, while your brain stays clear of the paranoia that can often be associated with smoking weed. Obviously, I am excited to give my *cough* illegal New York version a test drive.

Trying not to get my orgasmic hopes up too high, I coated my vagina and vulva in the oil, waited 45 minutes, and then put on some porn.

(What? Who said that? I am a lady!)

I don’t want to tease you, so I’ll say upfront that I didn’t have a mind-blowing orgasm. But that’s okay. That’s my standard experience. However, I did experience heightened sexual pleasure, and for me, that’s a big deal. My vagina and vulva are far more sensitive to the touch, and I feel hornier in general. In fact, I am aroused as much as when someone else is there with me… but I’m having solo sexy time. Cue “Feelin’ Myself.”

Overall, I recommend getting your vag stoned. Especially if you live in California, where you can purchase Floria without the hassle of meeting a weed dealer in the pouring rain.

RELATED: 8 Ways to Enjoy Marijuana Without Smoking It

A word of caution: do not use this product if you want to have sex with latex condoms afterwards. The coconut oil will degrade the latex, and you’ll be too worried about getting pregnant to enjoy yourself. So when your vagina gets the munchies, don’t feed it a dick. Go get some chips, relax, and let your man do all the work, instead.


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