No, but really — how does a person have have better sex or a better relationship? The Fresh Toast has enlisted Rachel Krantz, a sex writer and proud canna-enthusiast, to help readers out with some answers as its sex columnist. No question is off limits, and all questions will remain anonymous. Please send your sex and relationship inquiries to firstname.lastname@example.org. Now, onto this week’s topic: how to have more sex in your relationship.
Q: I’m in a happy relationship. We’ve been together for four years now, and while we’re still in love, the sex has definitely slowed down. It’s not that we don’t want to anymore — it’s that we’re so busy. It seems like by the time we both think to do it we’re too exhausted at the end of the night. I’m wondering if you have any tips for getting us back on track so we can have sex more than just once a week.
A: I love this question, because it is so relatable for me! I’ve been with my partner two years now, and while we both love each other and love to get down, I know firsthand that if you don’t prioritize sex in a sometimes less-than-romantic way, you can find yourself not having as much sex as you’d like. Here are some tips I’d recommend for ensuring you keep things frequent and fun.
Schedule A Date To Do It
It sounds really unromantic, I know — but it’s actually kind of fun to schedule sex dates. We have the idea that sex always has to be spontaneous to be exciting or authentic, but that’s just not the case. You can make a date to have sex a few days or even a week in advance, and it will help take the pressure off wondering whether you’re going to get around to it.
I did this the other night – and just making the date for the next day got me so unexpectedly excited that I ended up initiating sex five minutes later, even though we’d originally both thought we were too sleepy.
You don’t have to be an expert sexter to build the anticipation. You also don’t even have to be that dirty. I define a sext as anything from, “You looked so hot this morning, I keep thinking about you today and wanting you,” to, “Your dick looked a little hard in those sweats this morning. As soon as I get home, I want you to take them off and use it to f*ck me over our couch.” See? Lots of range. You can send sweet Bitmojis, or elicit photos. It really doesn’t matter how dirty you get — just that you state your intention and build the romantic anticipation. Check out this list of example sexting ideas for more inspiration.
Embrace “Slorny Sex”
One of the biggest obstacles to having sex when you’re in a long-term relationship isn’t necessarily being bored of each other — it’s just having lots of sh*t to do! Maybe you have kids, or you’re building a home, or are just exhausted from work. That’s why I think it’s important to also embrace sleepy, lazy sex — or as I like to call it, “Slorny Sex.” That’s sleepy+horny, and I’m guessing you know the feeling well.
When slorniness strikes, just be honest about it. Say you’re slorny but don’t expect them to spend any energy on foreplay — instead, start touching yourself with your hand or favorite vibrator. Whatever your personal hack is, break it out, and have sex spooning, or whatever else is sleepiest. It’s not lame. In fact, it can be kind hot and liberating to realize it doesn’t always have to be a cinematic production.
When You Netflix & Chill, Make It Sexy
Another problem people have is that they watch more TV than they have sex. I get it, but if you’re going to Netflix & Chill, you shouldn’t forget the chill part. Pick a foreign film or anything else in the “steamy romantic” category — go for that softcore porn that slips through the cracks. Here’s a list of some of the hottest stuff you can find on Netflix.
You can even up the ante by reaching over in a heated moment and groping them through their clothes. You’ll feel like horny teenagers all over again.
Be Naked More
Being naked has a host of health and mental benefits, and one of the greatest ones is that the more you’re naked, the more you’ll remember to have sex. Watch TV naked. Show up to dinner naked. Do yoga naked. Sleep naked. Whatever it is, even if you’re insecure at first, you’ll love your body more and more, and your partner will be in a constant state of sexy. You don’t need to look like the woman above for it to be hot. Promise.
Have A Standing Date Night Where You Stay In
While going out is fun, I always feel most romantic when my partner and I just make the time to roll a J, put on some music, and hang out all night talking. If you make a standing date to do just that, not only is it a cheap way to make quality time for each other, but you’ll be more likely to have sex at the end of the night. You’re already home! Again, you can put it on the calendar if you’re worried about accountability.
Have An Honest Conversation About Your Ideal Frequency
Another problem people in longterm relationships have is that they think they have to be having as much sex as they were in the first few months. (Guilty!) It’s just not realistic. If we kept having sex at that rate for years, we’d never have time to do all the other important couple things. That said, sex should always be a top priority — it is crucial for most couples to stay in love and bonded.
Get stoned one night, put on your mutually-favorite music, and start an honest conversation about what both of your ideal amount of sex at this point in your life and relationship would be. If it’s incompatible, talk about how you might meet in the middle. If you settle on an amount, challenge each other to see if you can meet that goal for the next month — and maybe even set those Google calendar alerts for sex dates to remind you. It feels silly, but if you have a sense of humor about it, it can be a lot of fun.
Keep The Quality/Quantity Ratio Flexible
If you want to have only high-quality, spontaneous, uber-romantic sex, you’re probably going to have to compromise on frequency. If you’d just like to be having more sex, you can embrace the idea of having occasional romps that are more about just getting it done and involve minimal effort and maximum pleasure hacking.
For me, since I like to hit it at least two or three times a week, I’m cool with the reality that one or more of those times will likely be more of a slorny quickie, and that maybe the longer, more romantic sesh will happen on a weekend. It’s OK to keep adjusting the quality/quantity ratio that feels right for your relationship, and to take a holistic approach to all this. A relationship is always changing, which means your sex drive will too. That’s OK! So if you set a goal and it just doesn’t feel right or brews fights, have another honest conversation and reevaluate an amount that will feel like fun rather than pressure. Sex is supposed to be fun — never forget that.