Sunday, May 28, 2023

Father Christmas Hands Out Dick-Shaped Bracelets To Children

South West England is the picture of Christmas cheer. The charming markets, the pudding, the cobblestone streets—and of course, Santa handing out elastic bracelets shaped like dicks.

Described as a “cock up” by those closest to the incident, the fated night started with a Santa’s Workshop grotto put on by the Salvation Army. It wasn’t long before parents realized that the bands—which lose their shape when wearing them but form images when they’re off the wrist—were especially well-endowed. Father Christmas really dicked them over on this year’s presents.

Salvation Army Officer Nicholas Ward wrote an apology, according to the Bristol Post:

“It has come to our attention that some children received inappropriate toys from Father Christmas at tonight’s ‘Santa’s Grotto.’ We are very sorry for this and will take this issue up with the Christmas Lights committee, who provide the toys for Father Christmas to distribute. That said, we would like to thank Santa for his time and for all the families who shared in our Winter Wonderland. We hope you had a good night and please accept our apologies for any offense these toys might have caused you and your children.”

Most parents were calm and collected about the mix-up, taking the chance to make penis puns while accepting the apology. One delivered this sick burn: “Don’t worry, if the kids are old enough to recognize what they are, they are too old to be visiting Santa anyway. No harm done :-).”

Next time, hopefully Saint Nick will leave the holly berries and branches at home.

Messy breakups, deranged antics, pets gone wild. The Internet car-crash you can’t turn away from. Want more? Check out “Bad Santa: 9 Super-Sketchy St. Nicks That Have No Jolly,” “Duh Files: Teen Busted For Doing Donuts In Police Station’s Parking Lot,” “Foul-Mouthed Parrot May Testify At Michigan Murder Trail” 



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