Tuesday, July 23, 2024

Ways People Have Completely Jacked Up Sushi

Years ago, Anthony Bourdain told Food & Wine that he considers six types of sushi crimes punishable by death. They include dipping your sushi into soy sauce rice side down, loudly expressing “THIS SUSHI IS SO FRESH, BRO!” and ordering anything in the realm of a California role. Today, the crimes against sushi start with the sushi itself. What was once an excuse to sit down for a leisurely meal in the care of a respected chef has morphed into something else entirely. In fact, chopsticks aren’t needed for the ways people have completely jacked up sushi below!

1. Sushi Donuts


Everyone’s favorite coffee companion has now taken on sushi form. Rice, avocado, ginger, nori…basically any ingredient used to make sushi rolls, including raw fish, has been formed into a ring and sold as doughnuts. Good with coffee? Nope. Instagrammable? Completely.

Here’s how they’re made:


2. Cheeto Rolls


Cheetos are having a moment. Doesn’t mean they need to invade sushi territory. Let’s keep the orange powder relegated to chicken fingers and flamin’ hot bagels like the fat Americans we are.

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3. Sushi Burgers


Two things everyone loves: rice and burgers. What’s not to like? For one, compact rice should be a vehicle for fresh seafood and veggies, not an oversized carb load. Sushi burgers consist of a fried rice bun loaded with usual sushi toppings, and sometimes even meat for those who just don’t give a fuck.

4. Sushi Burrito


Basically, just an uncircumcised sushi roll for those who don’t have time to sit down for a proper sushi meal that includes taking small bites.

5. Sushi Corndog


Goddamn. Not everything has to be on a stick. When sushi starts showing up deep-fried at fairs, it’s time to say goodbye to everything that’s good in this world.

6. Sushi Cones


How would this not be better on a plate?

7. Low-carb, rice-free “sushi” with mayo.

Anthony Bourdain considers mayo on sushi a crime punishable by death. He’d absolute hate this mayo-heavy monster. Not only is it missing the rice, it’s devoid of any seafood, including  nori. And strawberry? What the actual eff?


8. Insects


In hopes of replacing animals with more environmentally friendly bugs, Japanese chef Shoichi Uchiyama wrote a book about cooking with insects back in 2008. And today, it’s still a thing, albeit a rare one. At How Do You Roll restaurant in Austin, TX, the chef took that trend and ran with it, creating all sorts of creepy crawly rolls using crickets, mealworms and other alternative proteins. Gross.

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9. Cereal, loaded baked potato, The Elvis and… tarantulas?

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