No, but really — how does a person have have better sex or a better relationship? This week’s topic: tips for men who want to please a woman.
The Fresh Toast has enlisted Rachel Krantz, a sex writer and proud canna-enthusiast, to help readers out with some answers as its sex columnist. No question is off limits, and all questions will remain anonymous. Please send your sex and relationship inquiries to firstname.lastname@example.org. Now, onto this week’s topic: tips for men who want to please a woman.
Q: I’m about to have sex with this woman I really like. The only thing is, she’s mostly only slept with women the last few years. I know she likes men too, but it’s making me feel like I really need to bring it — and like I want to know if there’s anything I can learn from women who sleep with women. Any advice?
A: Good on you for wanting to do your research! As a sex writer and lifelong woman, I found it fascinating that there were some tips about pleasing a woman I only really came to understand from finally sleeping with another one myself. As a woman who also loves men, I’ll share some of these with you, in the hopes that you and other men might learn something too.
Buy Girl Sex 101
— Nooky Box (@TheNookyBox) November 12, 2016
Girl Sex 101 is probably the best sex guide I’ve ever read. This book is intended for an audience of women who sleep with women — but men who sleep with women definitely have lots to gain from studying it. I picked up all kinds of tricks in this guide. Seriously, get it on your e-reader, stat.
When In Doubt, Tease
Teasing, I was reminded once I was able to really slow down with another woman, is something women who sleep with men don’t get enough. Sure, you might think you’ve teased us, kissing around our panty-line, or touching nipples for a couple minutes — but if you want to level-up, you’re going to need to slow it way down.
That means only making out until she’s the one pulling at your clothes; sucking on her nipples through her bra until her hips are wildly bucking; holding her to you firmly-but-patiently by the ass and kissing her neck until she’s shivering and mumbling nonsense. This takes time.
Men sometimes think that slowing down means “being sweet” or lacking throw-down — a “making love” sort of sex. While that can be the case, slowing down can also actually be quite dominant and aggressive. If you’re making her wait and purposefully teasing her until she’s drenched, she is going to feel taken for quite the ride.
Establish A Connection With Her Vagina Before You Touch It
This is a trick I learned about in orgasmic meditation (a practice also worth looking into if you want to please a woman — but that’s another article). One of the things “the stroker” does in orgasmic meditation is that they look at a woman’s vagina and say a few non-judgmental observations about how it looks before they touch it. They also “ground” the woman by pressing down on her thighs, then stroke her clitoris incredibly lightly for 15 minutes with only their pointer finger — a delicious tease.
Apply some of those same principles: When her hips are bucking at you from all this teasing, ask if you can see her vagina now. Press down firmly on the side of her thighs, and let her watch you look her straight in the vagina. Focus all your attention there; take a finger and gently part her labia, getting the lay of the land. Make her feel you find what you see beautiful and arousing. Cup a palm over her entire vagina and gently get the blood flowing before you touch her clitoris directly. Lightly pull back the hood of her clitoris. Look up and make determined eye contact. Draw out the process of diving in.
Vocalize Your Enjoyment & Take The Pressure Off
Personally, it would make me very wet if someone did everything in the step above, then said explicitly, “I want to lick you now. I want you to know that as long as I am, I am enjoying it. I will not keep going past when I’m tired, but I really need to taste you. I don’t want you to think about coming; I just want you to focus on your clitoris. Can I lick you now?” Women are socialized to have shame around their vaginas, and to worry constantly during sex about “taking too long” to orgasm. Take that pressure off of her by being explicit about your enjoyment ahead of any insecure questions. A little enthusiastic moaning straight onto the clitoris also feels great.
Ask Non- Judgmental, Specific Questions
Even the most practiced of lesbians solicits specific feedback. As you’re pleasuring a woman, you might be tempted to ask “does this feel good?” Instead, it’s more useful to ask non-judgement-based yes-or-no questions like, “would you like me to lick you a little faster? Harder? To the left?” This way, she will be less concerned about your ego — and more focused on the present moment.
Ditch The Term “Foreplay”
When I was with a woman, everything that is considered “foreplay” in hetero sex was the actual intercourse. It made me enjoy being pleasured much more to know it wasn’t simply an appetizer to the “main event” of penetration.
If you want to be exceptional in bed, you need to ditch the P-in-V = Sex paradigm. Have sex that doesn’t end in penetration sometimes, but in 69ing or mutual masturbation instead. Vocalize the fact that pleasuring her is not just foreplay to you — that it is the sex itself. As hard (heh) as it is sometimes, the more you begin redefining sex as not just P-in-V, the more you’ll be considered a stud. It’s not weak — actually, it’s just the opposite.