David Letterman always had a lot to say. Known for his cantankerous spirit and matching wit, the former Late Show went toe to toe with Tonight Show host Jay Leno in the “Late Night Wars” for decades. Then, two years ago, Letterman passed the torch to Stephen Colbert and grew a magnificent Santa Claus beard.
Seriously, just look at that facial hair.
David Letterman always had a lot to say about late night TV, and now he says he really, really wants to interview Donald Trump.
Anyways, it turns out Letterman still has a lot to say. New York Magazine recently sat down with Letterman and conducted a sprawling, fascinating interview that covered Donald Trump (of course) and the postmodern existential terror of buying shoelaces (what).
Here are some of the highlights.
Letterman Really, Really Wants To Interview Trump
When asked regarding his dream interview, Letterman admitted Bob Marley in his later, more politically conscious years would be his choice. But when prompted to choose someone living, Letterman selected the man everyone can’t stop talking about.
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This is how he’d handle it:
I would just start with a list. “You did this. You did that. Don’t you feel stupid for having done that, Don? And who’s this goon Steve Bannon, and why do you want a white supremacist as one of your advisers? Come on, Don, we both know you’re lying. Now, stop it.” I think I would be in the position to give him a bit of a scolding and he would have to sit there and take it. Yeah, I would like an hour with Donald Trump; an hour and a half.
He Has No Interest In Nostalgia
Letterman has accomplished numerous comedic feats throughout his career, but he responded his proudest moment was employing so many people for 30 years. Even when he’s with former bandleader Paul Shaffer, the two don’t discuss the show.
I don’t have those kinds of memory flashes. Somebody will say, “Remember when so and so happened,” and I’ll say, “Jeez, I sure don’t.” Paul Shaffer and I get together about once a month and have dinner, and nothing about the show ever comes up. Memory lane is closed for repairs.
Letterman And Leno Still Haven’t Talked
Though highly contentious when they were on-air, Letterman and Leno both have softened in their older age. Though no bad blood exists between the two currently, Letterman says the two haven’t talked since he left his Late Show post.
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That doesn’t mean they’ll never talk again, says Letterman.
I’m assuming I will bump into him before we die.
Shopping At Designer Shoe Warehouse Sounds Like Hell
Being in the limelight for as many years as Letterman was, it’s easy to assume adjusting to a more typical civilian life isn’t the smoothest transition to make. Letterman recently needed a pair of shoelaces and when visiting a Designer Shoe Warehouse, the experience wasn’t so fun.
So I go over there, and it’s a building the size of the Pentagon. It’s enormous. If you took somebody from—I don’t know, pick a country where they don’t have Designer Shoe Warehouses—blindfolded them and turned them loose in this place, they would just think, You people are insane. Who needs this many shoes? It’s sinful. […] I’m not finding the damn shoelaces, and finally I think, Maybe it’s one of those items they’ve got at the counter. I go up there and I’m nosing around the counter and, by God, there’s shoelaces. This is after about an hour. So now I’m waiting in line and the woman checking people out says in a big loud voice, “May I help our next shoe lover, please?” I just started to tremble. Nobody else seems to have a problem with going to a store! You don’t want to have painted yourself into some elite position where it’s “Bob, go out and get me some shoelaces.” It makes you feel stupid.