The Bloody Mary has sustained some unspeakable atrocities over the past few years. What used to be a demure cocktail made with simple ingredients has morphed into the Island of Misfit Toys. Outlandish garnishes, questionable spirits and unnecessary accoutrement have created an untenable circumstance. Instead of the bygone simplicity of vodka, tomato juice, celery, horseradish and lemon juice, this brunch staple is often unrecognizable, depending on what new garish outfit the bartender du jour has decided to dress it up in. Here are seven of the most odious manipulations.
1) Cheap wine
Replacing vodka with shiraz and adding barbecue sauce and a bacon garnish. Really? There are so many things wrong with this recipe from Barefoot wine that we’re inclined to believe this was intended to be a steak rub.
2) Fruit juice
If Hoda and Kathy Lee, the canaries of the booze industry, won’t drink a strawberry Bloody Mary…
3) Gazpacho
Many recipes describe the Bloody Mary as the cocktail version of “vegetable soup,” which is complete trash. Bloody Marys may capture the spirit of soup, mainly with its chilled vegetable garnishes and tomato base, but it shouldn’t create confusion as to how one is supposed to consume it. “Do you drink it or eat it?” should be one of those phrases that never needs to be uttered. This recipe from The Daily Meal is basically a chunky “twist” on the Bloody Mary that requires imbibers to put their gag reflexes aside while trying to knock back this garden variety version of the cocktail.
4) Meat
We get it. Bloody Marys are meal-like. What they are not is plateware for your actual meal.
Next-level spicy #BloodyMary with fried chicken wings, chicken & waffle skewer and a bulgogi cheesesteak taco! 🍹💥 pic.twitter.com/j849PwDgyR
— Spice Madam (@spicemadam) August 21, 2016
The #ATX Mary. Ain't it somethin!? #Austin #BloodyMary #Maker pic.twitter.com/WFqvQZCffp
— Barbecue Wife (@BarbecueWife) August 20, 2016
https://twitter.com/diningdish/status/758685983307104257
5) Raw fish
Adding poke — or anything in the raw fish family, for that matter — to a drink is unconscionable, regardless of current obsessions. This recipe from the Huffington Post suggests adding raw ahi tuna to the classic drink. “You can serve the Poke Bloody Mary with poke on the side…or you can drop the cubed fish into the drink for a refreshing splash of cooled ahi.” A “refreshing splash” is what that fish used to enjoy before it was killed.
6) Late Night Hosts
People do not belong in Bloody Marys. No matter how many stalks of celery they have velcroed to themselves.
7) Eyeballs
This goes without saying, but eyeballs of any kind do not belong in Bloody Marys. Not even eyeball shaped ice cubes. In 2001, the LA Times wrote about the Mongolian Mary, which contains a floater of pickled sheep’s eye, a popular hangover cure in the country for which it’s named. The sentiment was echoed in 2015: “Many traditional cultures and their medicine men– including Native Americans– believe that eating the organs from a healthy animal supports the organs of the eater.” Entrails will always trump hangovers in the “absolutely not” department.
