Friday, October 7, 2022

Here’s Some Unsolicited Advice For Apple From TFT

As Apple releases its newest edition of the premiere golden calf that is the iPhone, the world looks on in collected reaction of: okay, cool. When the iPhone was first released it was a revolution: It changed our concept of “smartphones” and introduced a wide-appealing operating system into a market dominated by Blackberries and flip phones. The biggest concern for many was wondering if they’d manage typing without a keyboard.

This is all old news and so is, collectively, the iPhone’s revolution. Each new release sees a set of diminishing returns in the processing functionality and aesthetics of the phone. When Apple revealed the upgraded iPhone 6S, the tagline might as well have been: “Now with rose-gold exterior!” Not really worth dropping a few stacks over.

How do you make the next evolution in phones? Stop thinking about them as phones. Introducing the iHuman.

While Apple wasn’t the first to create a product that would have fans waiting in lines hours, if not days, just to purchase it, the company did stoke a pretty-annual savagery over getting the upgrade. It mattered, a status symbol of some kind.

So with the release of the iPhone 7, what could Apple do to light inferno to those smoldering coals? We’ve got some very serious suggestions.

Nighttime Vision Camera

As small war rages between major smartphone companies to establish their camera as “the best-ever,” Apple needs to splash big to make some noise. (Yes, that was a cannonball joke.) The biggest struggle of partiers and lifestyle selfie enthusiasts everywhere is snapping pictures in the club or at a bar. It’s dark, the lights might be producing some weird strobe effect, your vision’s impaired because of outside forces. Getting a good pic can be tough.

It’s why many opt to take photographs with Snapchat’s nighttime filter and save them to their phone. But that’s not good enough, anymore. Apple needs to be a leader not a follower, give the people what they want when they don’t even know they wanted it. Yes: Nighttime vision camera. A lens that picks up infrared lighting and detect people in all their glorious, green fashion. No more using that small flashlight to illuminate the night, you’ll be able to see everything. What’s more: Apple could charge like $500 for this limited edition iPhone–and tell me it wouldn’t be a hit.

Apple, if you want the green, go green.

The Boombox Speakers

Every music fan has done it: Playing their latest jams through the teeny iPhone speakers. The real MacGyvers among us fashion advanced technology colloquially known as a “Red Solo Cup” to amplify our tunes. And while it’s a hip trend you can use to impress your friends, like all hip trends, it must perish.

Apple—like Facebook, like Google—would monopolize the tech world if allowed. So it makes little sense why it’s leaving technology like those Bluetooth speakers to the other guys. The only reason those speakers are necessary is because of the iPhone own inferiority. Change that. Change it now. Import a boombox into the iPhone; who cares how big it gets? You see how many went goo-goo over those “big-screen” iPhone 6’s, the iPhone could be designed like a giant block and Apple would spin it as chic.

Virtual Reality Sunglasses

Skepticism has always been healthy when it came to VR. The technology always seemed too far away to take seriously. A shitty pipe dream, someone like Andy Dufresne might have. But here’s the thing about shitty pipe dreams: Sometimes they lead to LeBron James.

LeBron James didn’t need to win a championship in Cleveland to win me over. He’d already won the championship of my heart—by being a friend.

That’s why I realized after trying the Samsung Gear VR, which includes a 360-degree film demo that follows LeBron James around during some off-season training. You ride in a golf cart with him, you swim in the water with him (warning: this ride could get wet), you lift weights together, you relax on the beach together. LeBron James didn’t need to win a championship in Cleveland to win me over. He’d already won the championship of my heart—by being a friend.

Then the goggles came off. But why should they, especially in our Pokemon Go-addicted world? Give me my augmented reality, and since you’re Apple, make it aesthetically *cool*. We’re talking iPhone sunglasses; accessorize with Ray Ban, Aviator, or those goofy, white Oakleys every bro loved in the 2000s. Turn the projection on or off with a small click in the center of the sunglasses. Think Urkel fixing his glasses, but like cool. Because it’s Apple. And they’re super cool.


Who am I kidding? If this is Apple we’re talking about, they’re not even considering the next step. They’re not even wanting to make the next-next step. Apple wants the “one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind” level next step.

How do you make the next evolution in phones? Stop thinking about them as phones. Introducing the iHuman, which outfits users with all the chip technology inside their smartphone, but inside them instead. Forget going headphone jack-less, install small electrical nodes that send signals to your brain the detection of music. Place microscopic microphones inside cheeks to pick up all audio output. You love the iPhone so much, become one. The possibilities are endless. The technology is there.

Apple, change our realities forever. We trust and believe in you. We love you. Just like we would a big brother.




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