No, but really — how does a person have better sex or a better relationship? The Fresh Toast has enlisted Rachel Krantz, a sex writer and proud female stoner, to help readers out with some answers as its sex columnist. No question is off limits, and all questions will remain anonymous. Please send your sex and relationship inquiries to FreshLove@thefreshtoast.com. Now, onto this week’s topic: tips for making a woman come during penetrative sex.
Q: Hi, I’m a 22-year-old woman who has sex with men. I’ve had orgasms on my own with a vibrator, but whenever I have sex with someone, I can’t seem to come. I know that most women can’t just come from penetration, but I’m not sure how to work clitoral stimulation into sex in a way that works. Do you have any tips for getting off with a partner during sex if it’s not that easy for you?
A: Hi there, and thanks for the awesome (and might I say very relatable) question. Luckily, this happens to be a topic I’m something of an expert on. When I was your age, (well, I guess I’m officially old for saying that now), I also wanted to figure out how to come from penetrative sex consistently. Over the 10 years I’ve been having sex since, I’ve devised more than a few “orgasm hacks,” which I hope will help you too. Here are my tips for making a woman come during penetrative sex.
1. Buy This Vibrator
I have tried many a vibrator in my day, but The LILY 2 is hands-down my favorite hand-held toy to use during P-in-V intercourse. Small, quiet, strong, and waterproof, with eight stimulation settings, this toy is a wonderful and powerful clitoral vibrator. Though it’s made from a hard material (something I don’t usually like), it feels great on your body, and is easy to use in multiple positions — from Cowgirl to Doggystyle, and even positions that don’t offer much room to maneuver, like when you’re laying flat on your stomach. I really can’t recommend this toy enough — if you’re looking to incorporate vibrators into your partnered sex life, this is your gateway drug. Just hold it to your clit while you’re being penetrated, and let it work it’s magic.
2. Try Orgasmic Meditation (Or An Adapted Version Of It)
Though it’s recommended you go to an orgasmic meditation workshop to try the real deal, after I did just that, I found that adopting certain orgasmic meditation techniques during sex has been extremely beneficial for my orgasm.
Basically, the steps of orgasmic meditation are too long to explain here (check them out here or attend a workshop), but the basics are that the person stroking your clit puts one finger resting on your introitus (that’s the vaginal opening), and uses their pointer finger to stroke the upper left-hand quadrant of your clit extremely, extremely lightly for 15 minutes. Like, lighter than you’ve ever had someone stroke your clit. As it turns out, having your clit stroked this consistently and lightly for that long is crazy arousing. It’s basically like being completely deliciously teased, and it gets you and your partner extremely in touch with your clit. You might even come from it — but either way, by the time you have penetrative sex, I promise you will be much more warmed up than usual.
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3. Ask To Be Seriously Teased
Related to the above, you don’t necessarily have to practice orgasmic meditation in order to enjoy being teased. Here’s the thing: men often think the best thing they can do to arouse us is go straight for the boobs and some cunnilingus. For me personally, however, sometimes that isn’t nearly as arousing as being teased is. Ask your partner to do whatever they can to have you begging for them to be inside you; make a game of it and only have them give in when you say “Uncle”. Try to see if being teased with lighter stroking, kissing, sucking, a game of “anything but,” or even being tied up or massaged first doesn’t make a difference.
4. Start Yourself Off First
This is always, always an option. If you’re good at getting yourself off, have him watch you masturbate! If you can come first with your vibrator while he watches or gropes you, you’re going to take some of the silly stigma around using toys during penetrative sex away and you’ll already have one in the bag, giving you a better chance of coming again during penetrative sex when you use a hand or toy to rub your clit.
5. Always Use Lube When You’re Touching Your Clit
Please, always use lube — not just on his dick, but also when you or he are rubbing your clit. If you’re used to a vibrator, you might think you can’t come from touching yourself — but I’m here to testify it is possible, especially with lube, since your fingers can move faster. Which brings me to…
6. Know The Best Sex Positions For Clitoral Access
If you need direct clitoral stimulation to come — as most women do — certain positions are your friend. That’s not to say you have to abandon any positions that don’t allow you access to your pleasure button, just that you should be spending ample time in them before you beat yourself up about “having a hard time” coming. (Which you should try not to do anyway, but we’ll save that for another column.)
In my experience, Woman on Top and Doggy Style are the most reliable positions. I also really like laying flat and totally horizontal on my stomach and using the LILY 2while a guy is in me. Another one to try is to have him standing, and you laying down on the bed, belly-up, with your legs on his shoulders. Experiment and try to find your go-to positions that give you unhindered clitoral access. Eventually, you will likely be able to condition yourself to come in them reliably.
7. Grow Out Your Bush & Use It
Now here’s one I bet you didn’t see coming! In my experience, this is one of the best hacks there is. When you grow out your pubes, not only do you experience less friction and pain during sex, but you also give yourself a secret weapon — something to hold onto. See, if you grab onto your bush in front, you can pull up on your skin, essentially pulling back the hood of your clit and exposing your button to more even pleasure. It can make a surprising difference — don’t knock it till you’ve tried it.
8. Try To Define The Word “Sex” For Yourself
I saved the hardest and most important tip for last: remember that you and only you get to decide what “sex” means to you. In our phallic-centric society, “sex” gets defined as P-in-V sex, and everything else is regulated to “foreplay” — aka the appetizer before the main meal. Well, that sucks, and is really unfair to women, who might find they come only from oral or a vibrator, and then think there’s something “wrong” with them.
F*ck that noise. You can define sex and intercourse how you want — using a vibrator together, him going down you you, orgasmic meditation — whatever. Hopefully, that might take some of the pressure off, which is key to making orgasm possible in the first place. You can also try having sessions where you explicitly ask that you just go down on each other, or give each other hand jobs. Just remember that YOU get to decide the way you want to play — with your partner’s consent, of course.
Good luck, and remember: the fact that you can already come on your own is awesome and bodes well for you! Be patient with yourself as your body adjusts to trying out these new methods, and if your partner is anything but loving, patient, and curious with your body, that is someone who doesn’t deserve to be in your pants in the first place. You can tell him I said so.