Monday, September 21, 2020
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Santa Claus Might Be Real, But Also Really Dead

Good news: You can now call up all those bullies who told you Santa Claus isn’t real in middle school. According to Turkish archaeologists, old Saint Nic is real. Bad news: Santa’s dead.

Those Turkish archaeologists claim they have discovered the “intact temple and burial grounds” of St. Nicholas, per the Guardian. This is particularly revelatory because it contradicts the prevailing current history of where St. Nicholas remains were. Previously, sailors were believed to have smuggled St. Nic’s remains to Bari, Italy where the St. Nicholas Basilica stands today during the fall of the Byzantine Empire.

But new documents led those Turkish archaeologists to believe those smuggled remains were those of a local priest, not Saint Nic himself. This caused them to conclude that he is buried underneath Saint Nicholas church in the Antalya province, the suspected birth place of ole’ Saint Nic.

“We have obtained very good results but the real work starts now,” said Cemil Karabayram, the director of surveying and monuments in Antalya, to the Guardian. “We will reach the ground and maybe we will find the untouched body of Saint Nicholas.”

Excavation will begin soon but this will prove difficult as mosaics line the floor. However, the prospect of discovering Saint Nicholas remains is too tantalizing—and profitable through tourism—to pass up. I wonder if Rudolph will be buried with him, too.

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