I wonder if this is how Edward Snowden felt. The life of a whistleblower isn’t one of glory and exuberance, but of endless anxiety and fear. It is like playing a game of hide and seek, where the real consequence of capture is your life. No one wants to join the Whistleblower Club—even though, yes, the whistle you receive during initiation is super shiny and made of elephant tusk and really dope and you wish you had one.
But I can be silent no more. I cannot pretend I don’t know what I do, what I haven’t seen with my own eyes. When I witnessed that tragic video of that man, unconscious, bloodied eyeglasses clinging to his face, I thought the bravery within me to make a stand would surface. Alas, I am weak.
Then United Airlines went ahead and killed a dadgum bunny.
The 3-foot long bunny named Simon, which is bigger than many dogs and was sired by the current world record holder for the biggest bunny (his dad is 52 inches long and weighs over 40 pounds), was reportedly healthy as he got on the flight from Heathrow to head to his new home with an unnamed celebrity. United personnel discovered Simon dead at O’Hare airport.
Not just any bunny, but the biggest bunny. His name was Simon, owned and raised by a former Playboy bunny, and found dead at O’Hare airport (Leave it alone, Irony, I don’t have time for your shit right now.)
Though I prefer to remain anonymous, I’m stepping forward today. It is time the world knew every horrible, heinous crime United Airlines has ever committed. The time for silence is no more; give me my dadgum whistle.
· United instituted the middle seat following the post-WWII aviation boom, knowing excitement for affordable human flight would quell any questions regarding the obvious cash grab. After signing the deal to bring about purgatory on Earth, one chairman was reported as saying, “Don’t call us God and don’t call us the Devil.” With a shit-grin, he added, “Call us United.”
· In a scandal that never reached public attention, United narrowly avoided a PR disaster in the late 1980s because of one pilot’s deep-rooted hatred of the Cleveland Browns. While navigating transcontinental flights, he would purposely fly over Cleveland’s stadium and deposit the aircraft’s lavatory waste, fist-pumping. United’s official internal report on the incident concludes, “Fortunate for us, no one gives a shit about the Browns.”
· Off the record, United has murdered approximately 47 million geese in flight over the years.
· Though Flight is labeled a standard motion picture, where Denzel Washington plays an alcoholic airline pilot who crashes a plane to save everyone aboard, it is actually a documentary. For the film, which served as a cover-up, director Robert Zemeckis exaggerated Denzel’s character to be an addict, and reunited him with Don Cheadle and Jon Goodman, because, hey, who doesn’t love those guys? In actuality a drunk Denzel Washington approached a United executive and told him he really wanted to fly a plane. The United executive let Denzel do this because “Denzel is Denzel. You don’t say no to Denzel.”
· Just to frustrate customers, United flights crossing the Atlantic will sometimes play certain movies on an endless loop. Those who flew UA 4938 last year will remember watching Suicide Squad while one flight in 2002 suffered Gigli for 32 consecutive hours.
· United service is terrible because United’s one-time CEO Lance Fauxnom secretly hated rich people. His deep ire for the rich caused an intensive restructuring that purposely discriminated against all upper class values like comfort, basic human decency, and leg room. Fauxnom wanted to create a space that would exclude anyone who would otherwise pay extra for such commodities. He was eventually terminated as his practices threated to sink the company. Fauxnom would go on to found Frontier Airlines.
That is all I can share for now. My whistle has blown and I must retreat into hiding. I am headed to the airport to leave the country. I will not be flying United.
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