Saturday, August 20, 2022

That Time A Canadian Drove A Zamboni Through Tim Horton’s Drive-Thru

Guaranteed this will be the most Canadian sentence featured on this website: An Albertan man drove to Tim Horton’s on a Zamboni. I know you think you read that sentence and kind of sort of understood its meaning as a well to-do American. Just some Canadians being goofy, “sawry!” Canucks. Right?

How do I explain this? It’s like if a West Texas rancher rode his bull into a BBQ Pitmasters challenge. It’s like if a mustached Brooklyn hipster rode a unicycle into the city while drinking green juice to attend an Andy Warhol Guggenheim exhibit and blasting out Björk on his portable Bluetooth speakers. It’s like if a Decatur man tried to ride the Marta to his Buckhead destination, but since public transportation doesn’t take you anywhere worth going in Atlanta except the Hawks arena (the airport doesn’t count), he hopped aboard a garbage truck stuck in I-75/85 traffic, rode that to Follies, all so he could order the afternoon lemon pepper wing special.

This Instagram displays a satire of a parody. It’s humorous, but then you grasp it’s real, questioning how a Canadian man such as this exists in our world? Surely he is not a millennial, because any millennial fears the conclusion of this man’s current status, which is becoming a meme, the butt of a quick-fire internet joke in 2016.

With half my family hailing from Canada, I must admit a sympathy, if not an understanding, to this man’s Timmy’s journey. To our American readers: Imagine the pinnacle of blue-collar coffee brewing (get those frilly lattes out my face, eh?) combined with the tasty pastry delights of a Dunkin Donuts or Krispy Kreme, whichever you prefer. If this man was hungover (considering the details—Alberta, on a Zamboni, Timmy’s drive-thru—my guess is yes), an Iced Capp with a box of Timbits or a Fruit Explosion muffin is absolute necessity. Maybe add a Double-Double to that order. He will die without any of those. Or just have a really crappy headache.

So while this document warrants a requisite shaking of the head, I’d just like to say, I get it, Alberta man. Just please share your Timbits with me.


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