Friday, May 20, 2022
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The Week In Hot Messes: Masturbating Pilots, Exploding Farts, and Dildos On The Field

Welcome back to the Week in Hot Messes, your weekly roundup of the strangest, most shocking stories of the the past seven days. Sometimes we’re able to draw together a loose theme for the week, whether it be international crime or animals behaving badly. This week we had no such luck, aside from the typical bizarre behavior of Florida residents. In addition to those clowns, we read about dildos invading NFL fields, farts setting hospitals ablaze, college students having loud sex, British Airways pilots who allegedly masturbated in the cockpit, and violent ends to baby showers. Read on to find out more.

The week began 36,000 feet in the sky, where a pilot allegedly photographed himself masturbating while wearing women’s stockings and looking at porn in the cockpit of at least one British Airways plane. A pilot was, of course, suspended after a British tabloid broke the story, though he’s denied any wrongdoing.

From there we move on to the world of American sports. In addition to the 50,000 wonderful stories about Bill Murray doing Bill Murray things during the World Series, we learned about one recently divorced Chicago couple who battled it out in an emergency court session over tickets to Game 4 of the series. Thankfully, everything worked out for the couple and their son, all of whom ended up with seats at the game.

Then there was the mysterious case of the big, floppy dildo thrown on the field during Sunday’s NFL game between the New England Patriots and the Buffalo Bills. We may never know who threw the sex toy, but we’d like to nominate them as a Fresh Toast Citizen of the Year.

Moving slightly northwest of Buffalo to Toronto, Canada, we were forced to face the terrible reality of a poop-throwing vandal on the loose. As of press time, the feces tosser remained at large. In other international news, a hospital in Japan released the results of a month-long investigation into the cause of a fire last April. The reported culprit? A farting surgery patient, whose flatulence burst into flames after drifting into one of the laser’s being used during the operation.

In happier news, there was the hope-inspiring case of the Syracuse college student who wrote a polite, self-deprecating note to her loud sex-having neighbor asking her to please keep it down. Not only did the neighbor comply, or agree to try to comply, but she also sent a chocolate bar as a peace offering. Maybe there’s hope for us after all.

Except for maybe in Florida, where two Florida men were up to their usual shit this week. The first reportedly left a strip club at 2 a.m., got into his truck, started driving, fell out of his truck, which then ran over the man’s leg and crashed into a nearby house, slightly injuring a 58-year-old woman inside. Then there’s the man who allegedly decided it was a good idea to strip fully nude, climb into his Toyota Camry, strap some sort of wire-covered electronic device to his dick, and slowly drive down a Florida street to harass random people walking by.

And finally, there was the baby shower in Seattle that ended with party-goers observing a pathetic fight between two probably drunk men, one of whom reportedly managed to smash a bottle over his own head while the other allegedly punched through a window instead of his opponent.

We can’t wait to see what Hot Messes election day inspires.

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