Monday, December 4, 2023

Minimum Wage: This Hot Topic Cashier Deserves A Medal For Most Chill

If you’re working as a cashier at Hot Topic, it’s safe to expect some weirdness to come your way. Angsty teenagers looking for a new dragon-themed tongue ring or red contact lenses? Sure. Grown-ass people dumping their delusions on you in the middle of your workday? Not quite the norm.

That’s why this cashier, who responded to one customer’s harrowing tale with the most poise possible, deserves some kind of medal of honor. He’s either dealt with this dude before, or is just trying not to get his soul stolen on his way out of the mall after his shift. Or both.

It’s hard to describe what’s happening here, so here’s most of the conversation, kindly transcribed by reddit user azuyin:

Customer: They were able to resurrect my flesh, it’s healed. And it’s time for me to go home.
Cashier: Oh my god!
Customer: And I.. my.. e-they even told me my scales are turning gold as my father’s were. My father was a piece of creation itself. He was the protector of god himself.
Cashier: Well that’s good then.
Customer: That’s the thing, people damn power. It’s not evil it’s how you choose to use it.
Cashier: Oh yeah most definitely. That’s pretty much like how everything is.
Customer: But the dictation of true power is lost to this world. I’m returning home but I’m… going to come back. But I’m going to make it that no human is permitted to use power without sanction.
Cashier: Good!
Customer: You must give your soul to me.
Cashier: Oh my god!
Customer: I am the Sovereign of Power and I’m going to become what my father was before my birth: “Eternal Guardian Dragon of Time.”
Cashier: Oh wow!
Customer: My father gave up much of his power when I was born. Because she.. (pause) h-he-his mate was Hecate (?), mother of angels. I was the only true born.. My brethren. Even Lucifer down in the pit for his fucking retardation, he was my brother.
Cashier: Oh my goodness!
Customer: I am not a fallen. I am a lost. I fell to Earth from my own folly- not following that bastard.
Cashier: (exasperated exhale) Wow.
Customer: Honestly look into my eyes. Do I seem mad to you?
Cashier: Not really.
Customer: Most humans denounce anything that is outside their realm (of…)
Cashier: (finishes Customer’s sentence) Understanding.

Commenters compared the cashier’s responses to the non-playable characters in video games that you’d mash X through. Pretty spot on.

The whole thing is uploaded to Streamable. Watch the Cashier of the Year stealthily record this entire bananas conversation:

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