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Drake And Sufjan Stevens: The Intense Love Affair Created By Some Internet Genius

Brendan Bures
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Drake And Sufjan Stevens: The Intense Love Affair Created By Some Internet Genius

You might think Drake and Sufjan Stevens are from separate planets. But one incredible Tumblr account recognizes they share what matter most in this universe: love.

Indeed a Tumblr user who goes by riveyoncé cuoknowles should be considered among those eclectic mad geniuses only the internet can produce. The big news is they released a free mashup album between Drake and Sufjan Stevens called 6 Swans. Not only is the cover art better crafted than some major releases you see today (looking at you, Future), but the songs surprisingly match. You can stream the mashups via BandCamp or Google Drive.

But the real delight lies within, where riveyoncé cuoknowles have created a running fan fiction of the relationship between Drake and Sufjan Stevens. Before you dismiss such potential foolishness, we are here to tell you that it’s pretty damn funny. Little in-joke touches like every word of Sufjan Steven’s dialogue being capitalized and Drake’s appearing in all lowercase raise the concept to a happily fully-realized realm.

A small example: When Drake tries to prepare dinner for his man, “sufi” as he calls him, he announces he’ll start by making a small salad. Sufjan Stevens responds, “You Can’t Do That The Carrots Are My Friends!”

Other celebrities make appearances, such as Beyoncé and Kanye West, the latter of whom only speaks in all bold text and has a brief affair with Sufjan Stevens (808s & Heartbreak was about their relationship is the punchline). The fiction also squeezes in some modern-day pop culture events like Hiddleswift and jokes about Bon Iver and Frank Ocean’s long-awaited albums.

Perhaps to best illustrate the mad dedication to this project, check out this video of Drake and Sufjan Steven’s special marriage day. All of their friends are there, including DJ Khaled, Blue Ivy, Taylor Swift, and many more. (Side note: it’s really a mashup from Jim and Pam’s wedding scene from The Office, but still.)

We hope Drake and Sufjan experience a truly loving and fruitful marriage. If not, we will get over it and look forward to reading about it.

Posted By: Brendan Bures

Domino’s Pays Aussie $910 For A Missing Pizza Delivery

Sam Jones
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Domino’s Pays Aussie $910 For A Missing Pizza Delivery

It’s two truths and a lie time: Domino’s isn’t as cool as Pizza Hut. Domino’s is known for its special recipe of cocaine-laced herb dip. Domino’s owes one hungry dude $910 for one botched delivery.

An Australian man sued Domino’s for breach of contract, Consumerist reports, because the pizza he ordered 18 months ago never darkened his door. He ordered three pizzas, garlic bread, and soda. When he called the manager, he was promised a refund, but that never arrived, either.

The professional pizza peddlers might have noticed their missed delivery and shrugged it off, but not their spurred customer, no sir. He’s a lawyer and a a shareholder in the company. They picked the wrong dude to screw over. A year later, he decided he’d “better go and initiate proceedings,” he told 3AW Radio. He started whipping off court orders, which also went ignored — until now.

He says the chain owes him $910 at this point, including legal fees and his freakin’ pizza refund.

Domino’s issued a statement to the Telegraph:

We can confirm we provided free pizza vouchers to our customer at the time of the incident but we clearly could have and should have done more. We are working to make it up to him and have reached out to our customer this morning to make amends and to ensure he is not out of pocket for any expenses incurred.

In the end, they’re paying up, plus a free lunch on the house delivered to his work. Best pizza party ever.

Does this strategy work for when you get way too high and forget you ordered delivery (or what your doorbell even sounds like)? If so, a lot of people are probably owed a lot of money.

It makes one wonder how many little daily wrongs could be righted if only we all could pass the bar. Maybe this vigilante lawyer and Randy Riddle should get together and overthrow the corrupt pizza delivery industry.

[h/t Consumerist]

Posted By: Samantha Cole

The Best One-Liners From Kevin Hart’s Hot Sauce Challenge

Jillian Peterson
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The Best One-Liners From Kevin Hart’s Hot Sauce Challenge

Never one to shun an opportunity to promote himself, or in this case his upcoming movie What Now? (in theaters October 14), comedian Kevin Hart took a turn on the web series Hot Ones, wherein he attempted to get through an interview while eating 10 chicken wings in ascending order of spiciness. After breezing through the sriracha and Tapatío drenched wings, his confidence took a hard right after he ate some chile habanero sauce and turned to the water bottle to help ease his pain. Here are his best one-liners that hurt oh so good.

“Tapatío ain’t nothin’ baby, bring on the hot shit!”

— Tapatío, 3,00 Scoville rating

“We gonna drink the ‘teco — see how I just nicknamed it?”

— El Yucateco, 5,790 Scoville rating

“Pain is good — what’s the marketing behind that?”

— Pain is Good, 13,000 Scoville rating

“I put [the fire] out for a second, and then that shit comes back!”

— Hot Ones, 15,600 Scoville rating

“I don’t know what realm of safety we are in, but there is some shit goin’ on, man!”

— High River Rogue, 34,000 Scoville rating

“My lips feel like they’re bleeding.”

— 100% Pain, 40,600 Scoville rating

“I see why they call it Da Bomb, because that bitch just blew up!”

— Da Bomb Beyond Insanity, 135,600 Scoville rating

“I feel like my teeth are coming out.”

— Mad Dog, 357,000 Scoville rating

“I’m drunk or high — somethin’s not right, somethin’ is off.”

— Mega Death, 550,-00 Scoville rating (500x hotter than a jalapeño)

Watch the brutal bird attack in its entirety here:

Consume is an essential source for food and beverage news, trends, tips, original recipes and everything in between. Want to read more? Try these posts: Why ‘Coffee Pot’ Will Soon Have A Whole New Meaning, Pumpkin Spice Marijuana Edibles: Now A Thing, 6 Ciders That Will Make You Rethink Beer, and Trump Or Clinton: Which Candidate Do You Eat Like?.

Posted By: Julien Perry

What Wikileaks Shows Hillary Clinton Said About Marijuana Legalization

Al Olson
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What Wikileaks Shows Hillary Clinton Said About Marijuana Legalization

The drip-drip-drip of hacked emails released by Wikileaks has yet to produce a smoking gun powerful enough to upend Hillary Clinton’s march to the White House, but the digital barrage revealed the Democratic candidate’s fluid position on marijuana legalization.

As first reported by Tom Angell of Marijuana.com, “during an on-stage Q & A session with Xerox’s chairman and CEO in March 2014, Clinton used Wall Street terminology to express her opposition to ending cannabis prohibition “in all senses of the word”:

URSULA BURNS: So long means thumbs up, short means thumbs down; or long means I support, short means I don’t. I’m going to start with — I’m going to give you about ten long-shorts.

SECRETARY CLINTON: Even if you could make money on a short, you can’t answer short.

URSULA BURNS: You can answer short, but you got to be careful about letting anybody else know that. They will bet against you. So legalization of pot?

SECRETARY CLINTON: Short in all senses of the word.

Clinton’s 2014 words to a group of business executives is at sharp contrast to the official 2016 Democratic campaign platform:

“Because of conflicting laws concerning marijuana, both on the federal and state levels, we encourage the federal government to remove marijuana from its list as a Class 1 Federal Controlled Substance, providing a reasoned pathway for future legalization.”

Clinton also addresses her current position on the official campaign website:

  • Focus federal enforcement resources on violent crime, not simple marijuana possession.
    Marijuana arrests, including for simple possession, account for a huge number of drug arrests. Further, significant racial disparities exist in marijuana enforcement, with black men significantly more likely to be arrested for marijuana possession than their white counterparts, even though usage rates are similar. Hillary believes we need an approach to marijuana that includes:
  • Allowing states that have enacted marijuana laws to act as laboratories of democracy, as long as they adhere to certain federal priorities such as not selling to minors, preventing intoxicated driving, and keeping organized crime out of the industry.
  • Rescheduling marijuana from a Schedule I to a Schedule II substance. Hillary supports medical marijuana and would reschedule marijuana to advance research into its health benefits.

This is the second time this month that the Clinton campaign has been stuck trying to find a coherent marijuana message: In late September, daughter Chelsea incorrectly blurted out this comment at a town hall at Youngstown State University:

“But we also have anecdotal evidence now from Colorado, where some of the people who were taking marijuana for those purposes, the coroner believes, after they died, there was drug interactions with other things they were taking.”

The younger Clinton walked away from that position after it was pointed out it was factually incorrect.

 

Posted By: Al Olson

In Praise Of The Color Designer For Beloved Studio Ghibli Films

Sam Jones
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In Praise Of The Color Designer For Beloved Studio Ghibli Films

Japanese media Mainichi reported today that Michiyo Yasuda, prolific animator and color designer for Studio Ghibli, died on Oct. 5 at the age of 77.

Yasuda started working in the animation industry since before she was 20 years old — breaking into an industry dominated by men, especially in the late 50s — first at Toei Doga in 1958, right out of high school, and eventually in commercials and television series. She met Hayao Miyazaki in 1968, the LA Times reports, years before he co-founded Studio Ghibli in 1985.

“Color has a meaning, and it makes the film more easily understood,” she said in a 2009 interview, after she’d retired following Ponyo. “Colors and pictures can enhance what the situation is on screen.”

Yasuda continued:

I want to show the audience how you see or feel the color in the water. The colors of the water vary from bright to the deep, dark sea. In choosing colors for the sea — under the sea or the water itself — I hoped that the character of Ponyo, her true love, Sosuke, and the viewers would all see and feel the beauty of nature in the film.

She came out of retirement to help work on Miyazaki’s final film, The Wind Rises, released in July 2013, which went on to an Academy Award nomination and critical buzz. A visionary in her own right, Anime News Network reports that Yasuda won an Animation Lifetime Achievement Award in 2011 from the Japan Movie Critics Awards. She’s featured in Yasuko Shibaguchi’s book The Color Artisan of Animation.

Her resume boasts work on Princess Mononoke, My Neighbor Totoro, Kiki’s Delivery Service, Howl’s Moving Castle, Nausicaä of the Valley of the Wind and Spirited Away, as well as Isao Takahata’s Grave of the Fireflies. If you haven’t seen that last one yet, prepare yourself with comfort foods and a lot of tissues, first.

Now go queue up all of these classics and pay close attention to the genius of the coloring work. How different these stories might have been without Yasuda’s touch.

Posted By: Samantha Cole

TFT Asks: Should Our Next President Be Samantha Bee?

Maccabee Montandon
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TFT Asks: Should Our Next President Be Samantha Bee?

Samantha Bee and John Oliver have been so consistently good on the insanity that is this election cycle that there is a backlash to their greatness: tweets and posts sarcastically making fun of how much they are DESTROYING IT.

But, well, we’re not quite ready to put down the delicious Kool-Aid cup just yet. Especially after watching this swarming Bee attack on His Orangeness and the second debate, which she dubbed: “The Night We Gave Up.”


If you are looking for reasons not to give up, the above clip should help.

Jokes aside, the acute and tenacious way that Bee has grappled with the issues during this most contentious campaign suggests that she has a better grasp on complicated and nuanced ideas about how to run the country than at least one of the candidates. (*Cough, Cough, DJT, Cough, Cough*).  As a country, we’ve already elected an actor as our president in the not-distant past—and this year we’ve proven we are capable of dragging a tremendously unqualified reality TV star to the brink of the most powerful office in the free world.

Given that, what say we think about getting serious about electing a funny, thoughtful person like Samantha Bee the next time we have the chance. (And, Sam, if you are reading this, sorry to nominate you for what is essentially the worst job ever.)

For one thing, there are tons of studies suggesting that laughter can really, actually be (Bee?) the best medicine. All you have to do is Google “laughter healthier life” for proof of that. For another: one of the big claims of pro-Trumpers is that, once elected, he’d surround himself with smart and capable people who know how to, you know, actually run shit. Well, I’m sure the same applies to Bee. And here’s where I think she would have your vote: because her cabinet would likely include many of your favorite people.


Posted By: Maccabee Montandon

This Will Help Everything: Watch These Kittens Be Adorable For A Live Camera

Sam Jones
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This Will Help Everything: Watch These Kittens Be Adorable For A Live Camera

Are you weary of the burning hellscape that American politics has become? Fearful of the internet’s domination of your every move? Confused on what’s so cute or funny about a man in a shitty sweater who’s somehow remained an undecided voter in the most blatantly obvious presidential election in history?

Take a deep breathe and close all of your browser tabs. Now, open this one: A live streaming video of six precious baby kitties wriggling around in their pen, from Canada-based volunteer-run nonprofit, TinyKittens. The mother cat, named Starling, gave birth to her litter on Sept. 14. Their names are Sparrow, Puffin, Egret, Wren, Magpie, and Paloma.

From the stream’s description:

Starling was born in April 2015 in a feral cat colony with 200+ other cats. She is pregnant with her second litter of kittens, and has a large infected wound on her back foot. She has an elevated respiration rate, and we are trying to figure out why. A cardiologist ruled out heart failure as a cause. Our Feral Cat Outcome Prediction Model is predicting she is a good candidate for socialization, so we are hoping to socialize her during the last weeks of her pregnancy. She and her kittens will be spayed and neutered, and the kittens will be adopted into loving homes. Starling will let us know if she would be happiest returning to her forest home, or if she would be happy in a home as someone’s pampered princess.

TinyKittens details their progress on a weight chart, showing the babies’ progress from puffballs weighing barely 100 grams each to slightly lager puffballs. Never grow up, babies.

If you need a good, cathartic cry, read Nano’s story, another TinyKittens rescue whose “final week was spent being loved and snuggled in a warm, safe place with plenty of food. He was free of fleas and out of pain.” Some creatures really are too pure for this world.

Posted By: Samantha Cole

Ken Bone’s “Journal”: A Fresh Toast Exclusive

Brendan Bures
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Ken Bone’s “Journal”: A Fresh Toast Exclusive

Through intensive efforts by The Fresh Toast’s investigative team, we bring you the exclusive LiveJournal entries from America’s greatest hero, Mr. Kenneth Bone. We may not deserve him, but we definitely need him right now. 

A wonderful surprise
Oct. 3, 2016

Great news, journal. I’ve been selected as an audience member for Sunday night’s town hall debate. It just floors me they’d pick a simple guy like me, Kenneth Bone, to ask the candidates a question. As you know, I’m undecided.

They don’t make these choices easy for us regular folk. One option is a two-faced phony and the other an orange-faced monster. I’m leaning toward the orange-faced monster, but I just don’t know. Even though the outlook’s wretched, I sure wish so many media people would stop telling me I should be decided already.

I wonder what I’ll wear? Probably that olive suit in the closet. My mustache transforms into a power stache under the proper circumstances and wearing that olive suit is one of them. Mom will sure be proud of me wearing a suit on television. I guess I should have a backup just in case, though.

Just a few days, journal. I’m so excited I can barely sit still or hold a thought in my head. It almost feels like I’m in a movie.

Morning Coffee Thoughts
Oct. 8, 2016

Tomorrow’s the debate and my how things have changed. I don’t even want to write down what the picky-pucker monster said a whole 11 years ago. He apologized thankfully, but called it “locker room talk.” Ain’t that a kick in the head? After last week’s game, the rec league guys and I chatted about Chinese stock market manipulations and Ariana Grande records. What locker rooms is that picky-pucker monster visiting? Makes you wonder.

I also must report another “incident.” My smokin’ hot wife and I strolled out for a treat last night. Our favorite spot, the yogurt shop by the park. My wife visited the ladies’ room so I visited the counter to pay. As I pulled out my wallet, the cashier blurted out, “I’m s-s-sorry, but I th-think—well I think I love you.”

I sighed. Not this again, I thought. “No you don’t,” I said.

“N-n-no, I do,” she said. “Excuse my st-stammer, I’m just so nervous. I’ve never met such a ma-ma-man like you.”

I handed her the cash politely, instructing her to keep the change. Best just to proceed onward in these situations I’ve learned.

My wife returned and we exited the shop. But not before the woman yelled after us. “Please let me hug you!” she shouted. “You l-look like you’d give the best hugs! Puh-puh-please!”

Neither my wife nor I turned around. Times like these remind me how tough it is being a Bone man. But I didn’t choose the Bone man life. I was born into it.

Late into the morrow
Oct. 9, 2016

Holy jumpin’s, journal. You won’t believe the time I had at the debate. I didn’t end up wearing that olive suit, after all. When I sat in the car, my pants ripped. Guess that’s what happens when you add on some love cushion like I did. Oh well. I had my favorite red Izod sweater as backup. Hope I still looked stylish on TV!

I wonder how it was on TV, the debate. Those first 20 minutes when the sniffle monster and mouth-smacking phony tore into one another sure was intense. It was like watching mom and dad fight. Well, someone else’s mom and dad. The Bone family aren’t fighters. We’re lovers.

Afterwards I snapped some photos with my handy disposable camera and met some politicians. Bill Clinton shook my hand, then hugged me, whispering in my ear, “Game respect game, my G.”

How did he know I played the saxophone, too? That guy sure is a hoot.

All that commotion was enough fun for me. I’m just ready to return to my simple life back in Indiana. I might tweet some photos once they develop so grandma can see them. What wild and weird times we live in. That a simple Bone man like me was heard in this kooky election. Who knows what tomorrow might bring?

The Internet L-O-V-E-S Me
Oct. 10, 2016

Holy poop. But how?

This Bone man will never understand why the world loves what it does. I’m just glad, this time, it happened to be me.

 

Pumpkin Spice Marijuana Edibles: Now A Thing

Amy Hansen
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Pumpkin Spice Marijuana Edibles: Now A Thing

Because pumpkin spice is evidently the new fall mascot, cannabis has shape-shifted into conformity.

That’s depressing news if you like your weed the old-fashioned way — unpretentious. But great news if you’ve always wanted your weed to taste a bit more seasonal and basic, like the good folks over at Gfarma Labs already know you do. Since sales have been off-the-charts ridiculous, the company is once again offering its limited edition Pumpkin Spice Liquid Gold bar this year.

Photo courtesy of GFarmaLabs
Photo courtesy of GFarmaLabs

The chocolate bar contains a whopping 210 mg of THC and costs $20 (only available in Washington and California). As Mic reports, Liquid Gold bars have the highest THC concentration in a chocolate bar, with the average cannabis chocolate bar containing 180 mg of THC.

If you’re not into PSL (pumpkin spice liquidgold), the company also makes a limited-edition Apple Cider bar as well as many year-round flavors, like PB&J, Mr. Goober and Marshmallow S’mores. (Or you can whip yourself up a batch of the most awesome weed brownies ever if you just need a chocolate fix).

As the list of pumpkin spice flavored consumables continues to grow, what’s next? As John Oliver astutely pointed out two years ago, “pumpkin spice foods seem to inexplicably grow more omnipresent every year,” and he’s absolutely right. Could it be we’re hunkering down with the autumnal flavor to avoid the reality showness of current reality? Probably. Now, pass the whip. And remember to eat your pumpkin spice responsibly. Now this:

Consume is an essential source for food and beverage news, trends, tips, original recipes and everything in between. Want to read more? Try these posts: Why ‘Coffee Pot’ Will Soon Have A Whole New Meaning, Ice Cream Ramen: Now A Thing, 6 Ciders That Will Make You Rethink Beer, and Japan Opens ‘Ted’ Themed Cafe, Everything Gets Lost In Translation.

Posted By: Julien Perry

Japan Opens ‘Ted’-Themed Cafe, Everything Gets Lost In Translation

Jillian Peterson
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Japan Opens ‘Ted’-Themed Cafe, Everything Gets Lost In Translation

Much of Japan has, historically, had an affinity for anything furry, plush, or animated (see Hello Kitty, Pokemon, et al). That is, perhaps, the only reasonable explanation for the restaurant they just opened in Tokyo: an homage to the movie Ted.

Let that sink in.

The movie premiered in Japan nearly four years ago, and they’ve just now gotten around to capitalizing on its popularity. Seth MacFarlane must be thrilled. Or as confused as we are.

When Ted 2 opened in 2015, the polite police of Japan toned the lewdness way down. Like, so far down it was released as Ted 2 “I Can’t Wait Until I Become an Adult” and was rated PG12. In other words, Ted got a lobotomy, which made him just slightly dirtier than Paddington.

Fast forward a year later. Ted Cafe & Bar is for whatever reason crazy popular. According to RocketNews24, the place is decorated with stuffed teddy bears, serves pizza and burgers replete with Ted’s visage upon them, and stays open serving Ted-themed cocktails until 3 AM. (You haven’t lived, we’re guessing, until you’ve shut a bar down, while pounding drinks inspired by a film about a foul-mouthed stuffed animal. Or, certainly, until you’ve gazed upon photos of dogs. In pools. On floaties. But we digress most seriously, and we must return to this serious matter at hand.)

Now, where were we again? Ah yes: so when you try to disinfect a dirty movie, chances are you’ll be left with some seriously messed-up transference, as is the case with this place. We’re not sure Japan knows the meaning behind two of their most popular tag lines, which are printed on everything, including the menus:  “Excuse me, where’s your non-jerk off bathroom?” and “That’s what you get for fuckin exercisin’!”

https://www.instagram.com/p/BKzdxiyh1P_/

https://www.instagram.com/p/BK5Rui5jz0g/

https://www.instagram.com/p/BK2bdX2DHaz/

https://www.instagram.com/p/BKleSTUgyfS

Major props and blessings to you and your special kind of quirkiness, Japan. But seriously, where is your non-jerk off bathroom?

 

Posted By: Julien Perry

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