The phone rings. On the other end of the line is the human resources manager at the company you’ve been schmoozing with for the past week in hopes of securing gainful employment.
You’re a charming person — there’s no doubt about it — so you’ve managed to pass the interview process with flying colors. But the manager tells you there’s one tiny detail left before making your new position final. The company requires a drug test.
Well, you know this is that going to be a problem. Especially since you just finished getting dabbed out with a few friend’s minutes before the call. Panic and the overwhelming fear of having to move back into your parent’s basement infiltrates every part of your being. The doom is looming, the say the least. After all, if you do not get this job, your relationship with that person, who was always too good for you in the first place, is over. The state is going to throw you in jail for failing to pay up your back child support, and you may even die from some bizarre, undiscovered sickness that scientists will later determine was caused by eating Ramen noodles at every meal.
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It is hairy situations like these that force people of all ages to take drastic measures in order to pass a drug test. These desperate souls are willing to risk life and limb just to pee in a cup without the THC panel jumping off and screaming, “This fool’s high right now.” And while we must admit that it is exciting to hear about clever attempts to keep from being rendered homeless and forced to eat out of the trash, some of the great lengths some folks have gone to are the workings of the insane. Seriously, desperation breeds whack job tactics. Here are just a few that are still keeping us up at night.
Seriously? People have actually consumed bleach thinking it will prevent them from submitting dirty pee. Of course, this radical method is pretty dangerous, since this common household chemical can eat away at a person’s esophagus, stomach lining and even kill them dead. The warning label on the product should take out all of the guesswork, but — you know – morons will be morons. What’s really messed up is drinking bleach will not increase a person’s chances of passing a drug test. Not in the slightest. This concept is just some idiotic Internet rumor that was started years ago that some very special people have swallowed as gospel. Please do not do try this at home.
Drinking Deadly Amounts Of Water
Consuming water before a drug screen seems logical. It dilutes the urine and can sometimes throw off a test, as long as the person being tested hasn’t smoked weed in a week or so. But some people have taken the “flush the system” method to extremes by binge drinking gallons of water. This is almost as dangerous as drinking bleach, as consuming this much augua can cause a nasty condition known as hyponatremia.
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Basically, the blood stream gets swamped out and the brain starts to swell. It can be fatal. A few years back, a California radio station hosted a water-drinking contest in which the WINNING female contestant dropped dead. So, keep that in mind. Mass water consumption is no way to trick a lab into seeing clean urine. If you are leaning on this practice, moderate your water intake. Medical professionals recommend a person drink half their body weight in ounces each day. Stick with that.
Fake Sex Organs
We’re all for strapping one on from time to time, but we draw the line at getting fitted for a phony wiener just to get a job. Still, for the person who needs to ensure that his or her pee shows up clean, there are fake sex organs out there that can be used to clandestinely deliver synthetic urine into a cup. Sure, this method is not at all dangerous, but one must sort of start to reconsider their position in life once it become necessary to hold a plastic dangling appendage between their legs just to earn a buck. But maybe we’re being a bit snobbish. It’s not like we had to pass a drug test to write this article.