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It’s fitting that animals doing wild shit dominated Hot Mess the week the trailer for Planet Earth II was released. Of course, we shouldn’t let the messes of our furry friends distract us from the messes of our fellow humans, who—as always—continue to do amazing, stupid, and dangerous things. Let’s revisit the week in Hot Messes.

First, we learned of the Pennsylvania police officer who was accused of repeatedly masturbating in public. The officer admitted exposing himself, but claimed he was doing so to stay away after a long night shift. Sure thing, pal.

Next we met a true American hero. Yes, we know that term gets thrown around a lot, but how else can you describe a man who strips off his shirt, grabs a huge America flag, runs out into the year’s deadliest storm, and headbangs into ripping wind and rain as Slayer’s “Raining Blood” blares in the background?  Lane Pittman, we salute you.

Nearly as heroic as Pittman was Alex Trebek, who accurately labeled self-proclaimed nerdcore rappers as “losers.” The best game show host is a mean game show host.

There was also the woman who claims someone at Wendy’s covered her four-year-old daughter’s french fries with weed. While that’s a super inappropriate surprise for a child (or anyone under 18) to receive, we know some people who would welcome such a seasoning on their fries.

Speaking of shitty things to do, a Baltimore-based artist stepped in dog poop near his exhibit at a New York Park and then reportedly demanded that an NYC Parks Worker clean the excrement from his fancy shoes. Go back to Baltimore, man.

Sadly, the week ended with the human meme Ken Bone engulfed in scandal. As it turns out, he loves nude pictures of pregnant woman and other porn, which is fair enough, but he also had some very dumb things to say about the leaked nudes of Jennifer Lawrence and the death of Trayvon Martin. To his credit, Bone issued a thoughtful and seemingly genuine apology to the New York Times, so his time in the spotlight may not be over just yet.

Moving on the world of animals, we learned about a crow who pulled a bag of meth out of the trash and left it on the ground, where the police found it. Snitch. Sticking to the avian theme, there was also news that loud, ancient birds probably used to wake up the dinosaurs every morning. Giant, terrifying reptiles: They’re just like us.

Fears of a new Harambe situation surfaced Thursday when a gorilla escaped his enclosure at the London Zoo. Thankfully, the gorilla was tranquillized and recaptured before he was killed and turned into a meme.

And finally, we met a California man who learned the hard way that it’s best not to interrupt bears who are having sex. 

Messy breakups, deranged antics, pets gone wild. The Internet car-crash you can’t turn away from. For more Hot Messes, check out: Woman Claims Wendy’s Served Her 4-Year-Old Daughter Fries Covered With Weed and “Suck It, Trebek”: How Alex Trebek Fired Up All Of Nerdom With This One Word.

Nature is filled with beautiful things—mountains and rivers, majestic animals, cool trees—that rejuvenate and inspire us after we’ve been cooped up in the restrictive indoors. It’s also jam-packed with creatures that will absolutely fuck you up, like angry bears who were just interrupted while doing it.

Earlier this week, Dan Richman learned about the latter as he was hiking in the Sierra Madre foothills of California. “All of a sudden, I saw this bear standing on its hind legs and I’d never seen a bear in person before. I was pretty freaked out,” Richman told KTLA.

He backed away from the bear, only to run into another bear. He screamed in an attempt to scare it off. When that didn’t work, he tried to run away.

“I was running right past it, and it just came down and got me. It first bit my right wrist and then it somehow came around and got my leg,” he told KABC. “Next thing I knew I was on the ground on my hands and knees and it was almost like a wrestling position.”

The bear clawed his arm and leg, and put its mouth around his neck. “I just stayed really, really still,” he said. “I just didn’t move. On my hands, on my knees. The bear was on top of me. He eased up and I got up and walked away. Once I thought it was clear, I just ran down the mountain.”

His injuries, which included cuts to his head, legs, feet, and torso, were severe–local police called it a “pretty good bear attack–and Richman said he was lucky to survive.

But why were the bears so mad? A park spokesman told the Los Angeles Times that “may have been a mating pair that was interrupted” and that Richman “probably just surprised the bears and they reacted the way an animal with teeth and claws does [when interrupted while boning].”

Messy breakups, deranged antics, pets gone wild. The Internet car-crash you can’t turn away from. For more Hot Messes, check out: Woman Claims Wendy’s Served Her 4-Year-Old Daughter Fries Covered With Weed and “Suck It, Trebek”: How Alex Trebek Fired Up All Of Nerdom With This One Word.

Yes, there’s been many other YYYYUUUUUGGGGGGEEEEE hot messes over the entire sweep of humanity. Humanity is very old, after all! But this one right here? (Up there, in the photo. That guy.) Yeah, sure is hard to top in terms of hot messiness. Don’t agree? Tell us who you think is the Biggest Hot Mess of All Time (BHMOAT)?

An artist who had an exhibit at Gracie Square Art Show in Carl Schurz Park stepped in dog poop at the park earlier this month. Shit, as they say, happens, but the outraged artist, Baltimore-based Christos Palios, demanded that NYC Parks Department workers clean up the poop on the ground around the exhibits and, reportedly, from his fancy shoes.

The New York Post reports that park worker Tasheema Chatman was asked to clean the poop from Palios’s shoes. “He had this cocky, arrogant demeanor to himself, like this was a regular thing for him,” she said.

Palios denied demanding Chatman to clean his shoes, saying instead that he only politely asked her to do so.

It was because New Yorkers don’t clean up their dog poo.

“What bothers me universally is that she had a choice just to say no, no, no,” he told the Post. “I mean, I didn’t order her. I said, ‘Are you sure?’ and I just thought she had helped someone else with it or, or it was no big deal.”

“I felt uncomfortable a little bit the whole time, but I thought it was just going to be a 15- or 20-second thing,” he added. “I called for three little spots.”

Chatman has since requested and received a transfer to another park. “They made me feel less than a person. I can’t stop breaking down,” she said. “I just don’t understand how somebody can treat another human being like that. And this is happening right in the Mayor’s backyard and he needs to know.”

She also told the Post that she cried for 15 minutes after cleaning poop from Palios’s shoes.

Palios says the city’s inconsiderate dog owners are to blame for the incident. “It was because New Yorkers don’t clean up their dog poo,” he said.

The Parks Department is looking into the incident, according to a spokesperson who spoke with the Post.

Messy breakups, deranged antics, pets gone wild. The Internet car-crash you can’t turn away from. For more Hot Messes, check out Woman Claims Wendy’s Served Her 4-Year-Old Daughter Fries Covered With Weed and Snitch: Crow Finds Bag Of Drugs In Trash, Leaves It On Ground For Cops.