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Cursed Man’s Penis Bitten By Venomous Spider: Again!

TFT Editors
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Cursed Man’s Penis Bitten By Venomous Spider: Again!

You could call it bad luck if a venomous spider bites your penis while you’re sitting on a portable toilet. But if a similar venomous spider bites your penis in the same exact spot five months later while you’re sitting on another portable toilet, you might want to examine your life and think about what you might have done to deserve such a cursed existence.

In April, the BBC reported that an Australian construction worker named Jordan (he declined to give his last name) was bit by a redback spider on his penis while he was using the toilet on a job site. This morning, poor Jordan was back in the news for the same thing.

I’m the most unlucky guy in the country at the moment.

“I’m the most unlucky guy in the country at the moment,” he told the BBC. “I was sitting on the toilet doing my business and just felt the sting that I felt the first time.I was like ‘I can’t believe it’s happened again.’ I looked down and I’ve seen a few little legs come from around the rim.”

He’d even learned his lesson from the first bite and tried to avoid portable toilets, but—giving further credence to my just-invented theory that it’s this man’s fate to be repeatedly bit on the dick by scary spiders—it didn’t matter.

“After the first time it happened I didn’t really want to use one again,” he said. “Toilets got cleaned that day and I thought it was my opportunity to go use one. Had a look under both seats and then I sat down did my business. Next thing you know, I’m bent over in pain.”

My advice for this guy: Next time (and every time, really) you have to shit, hold it until you get home.

 

5 Reasons Katie Couric Rules

Maccabee Montandon
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5 Reasons Katie Couric Rules

Everyone loves Katie Couric. Right? Okay, maybe not everyone, but you totally should. Hearing her this week on Marc Maron’s podcast, WTF, reminded me that she is super smart, funny, self-deprecating, earnest about the right stuff, and joke-y when the moment calls for it. So let’s take some time now to recall a few very good reasons for loving Katie.

1. She’s a fighter. Couric’s husband, Jay Monahan, died of colon cancer in 2012, at the age of 42. As she told Maron this week, Kouric was understandably devastated by her husband’s death. But she has since taken those rather unfortunate lemons and helped make sweet lemonade by helping found the cancer-battling fundraising organization Stand Up To Cancer.

2. She saved us. Never forget, people. Never forget.

3. Her Twitter bio is: “Likes: Coffee everything, Ellie, Carrie, JPMs, NYC, the beach, burrata & bacon. Dislikes: You know who you are.” Bacon. We all know about bacon and its many wonders. But do you know about burrata? It’s really good. Katie knows. Check it out. Burrata.

4. She has your back. It’s impossible for us to know for sure, but after listening to Couric speak with Maron for over an hour, the impression one gets is that she is an intensely loyal person (she wouldn’t even talk that much shit when the subject turned to her difficult spin at the CBS Evening News desk), who, once she is on your side, will never leave it. That surely brings great comfort to all her friends, and also to groups and movements who could use her star power to help shift policy on important issues.

5. She’s a secret rebel. Kouric told Maron that she sometimes bristles when dealing with authority figures—including a high-school cheerleading coach who gave her a hard time—and at one point in their conversation even seemed to be praising weed smoking as a way to loosen up. It’s unlikely she’s the world’s hardest partyer, but if we had to put money on it, I’d guess Katie would be a totally fun dinner party guest. Unlike some people.

 

Stephen Colbert: ‘Voting Is Better Than Losing Your Virginity On Christmas Morning’

Taylor Berman
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Stephen Colbert: ‘Voting Is Better Than Losing Your Virginity On Christmas Morning’

Yesterday was National Register to Vote Day, which means celebs and politicians of all types were encouraging people to check their registration. Keeping with the theme was The Late Show’s Stephen Colbert, who, with the help of some famous guests, released a video telling people to vote because, among other things, it’s better than “losing your virginity on Christmas morning.”

Helping out Colbert were John Cena, Tim Meadows Anna Gunn, Alan Cumming, George Takei, Tituss Burgess, Trevor Noah, Simon Helberg America Ferrera, Bradley Whitford, Chris Gethard, and Joseph Gordon-Levitt, all of whom agreed that–despite non-existent rumors to the contrary–voting will not make your nose bleed.

“All those people in 2004 already had nose-bleeds when they went in there,” Gordon-Levitt explained.

After Anna Funn and Alan Cumming said voting would make you “strong,” George Takei agreed and said that, after casting his ballot, he “was strong enough to move his house. It’s by the beach now.”

Chris Gethard added that “Voting is powerful, like a car. And good, like a, uh, car.”

There are also bits about “feeding corn to your futuristic babies,” boats, and how little time and effort voting requires

“It only takes 20 hours and costs $1,000,” Gordon-Levitt said. Watch the video below.

The star-packed clip arrives at the same time as this detailed New York Times look at how Colbert and his writers and producers are trying, again, to “reboot” the show in the face of flagging ratings. Part of the issue for Colbert has been how much, if it all, he should revive the blowhard character he played on his beloved Comedy Central show, The Colbert Report. For now, it seems the host is warming to the idea of sharing the screen with his fictional invention. He told the Times:

If I do things that are like the old show, it was a good show. I thought of the character. It’s my humor.

Hard to argue with any of that logic.

Yankees Fan Loses Ring While Proposing To Girlfriend On Scoreboard

Taylor Berman
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Yankees Fan Loses Ring While Proposing To Girlfriend On Scoreboard

During last night’s Yankees-Red Sox game, a Yankees fan patiently waited until the stadium camera panned to him (which he’d arranged by paying a $100 fee), took out a ring to propose to his surprised girlfriend, and then he…dropped the ring. Minutes passed as the guy, with the help of other fans, searched desperately, all while the rest of the stadium—and eventually the TV audience—anxiously watched on.

“Well, they’ve got a story,” the TV announcer said as the frantic search continued. “Look at this poor guy.”

The fan really did look miserable as he alternated between looking for the ring and burying his head into his girlfriend’s shoulder. Making it even worse for him was all the careful planning he’d clearly put into it. 

“It was going so well, too,” Sports Illustrated writer Kenny Ducey wrote on Twitter. “PA played Frank Sinatra. This dude actually wasn’t booed like most dudes proposing here. Then, he loses the ring.”

After five minutes of searching, they finally found the ring, and then the man was able to get down on one knee and propose. (The woman said yes).

ESPN managed to track down the happy couple after the game.

“It only took about five minutes to find the ring, but it felt like it took an hour,” he said. “Everyone around us was helping us look, and it ended up being in the bottom of her pants.”

Later, the couple elaborated on the fiasco in an interview with MLB.tv.

[Deadspin]

Very Bad Day: Watch This Guy’s Propeller Fly Off In Mid-Flight

Sam Jones
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Very Bad Day: Watch This Guy’s Propeller Fly Off In Mid-Flight

Sometimes in life, you’re flying high above all of your troubles. The sun’s out, the sky’s blue, and you can see for miles in every direction.

And then your plane spontaneously falls the fuck apart and you’re in the awkward position of landing without the propeller.

prop1

This man, whose balls are made of steel and blood is made of dry ice vapor, watched the propeller come flying off of his single-engine Rans S-10 Sakota plane with the calm contemplation of someone waiting at the DMV. We can’t see his face in the video, but he cocks his head to the side slightly as the prop flies off and out of the frame, twisting into the wind above all that farmland and most likely scaring the cows more than it scared him.

You can hear in the video that the engine keeps running, making angry “where’s my propeller” noises as Maverick looks for a good spot to land. Propellers are pretty important to flight. They provide thrust, and keep the plane moving through the air. Without it, as this video demonstrates, you kind of drift down as momentum is lost.

Most of us would respond differently to watching an essential piece of one’s plane disappear at anywhere between a couple thousand and 12,500 feet. Screaming. Cursing. Sobbing uncontrollably. But not this guy. After guiding the plane down into a very luckily-placed strip of runway, he jumps out and walks around to the front of the plane to observe the damage.

He does the same “hands on hips, totally exasperated” move your dad would do if you hit the garage with his car or run over the rosebushes with the lawnmower. The moment deserves more panic but he remains calm.

Stay chill, Iceman.

Posted By: Samantha Cole

Sunday Night Sex Talks: Women Assume The Dominant Position

Brendan Bures
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Sunday Night Sex Talks: Women Assume The Dominant Position

If you think your group chat stories contain juicy tales, then perhaps you should check out Sunday Night Sex Talks.

The Los Angeles-based comedy show creates a space for women to share their dirtiest one-night flings and hot messes of modern dating. Labeled various titles, the one that’s stuck is “The Moth meets the Vagina Monologues.”

The show is generally women-only, though they do have occasional co-ed sessions. And then, as creator Jessie Rosen puts it, the show becomes more “The Moth meets HBO’s Real Sex.”

For the first time, though, the show recently had a run in New York, where it featured stories including “a woman who was cheated on by a man who was illiterate,” and “dating a guy after he dated a famous porn star,” as Page Six reported.

Sunday Night Sex Talks: sizzle from Jessie Rosen on Vimeo.

“It started as a gathering that I would do with my best girl friends in college,” Rosen told Page Six. “We would recap all the crazy things that had happened Friday and Saturday night.”

Eventually that sparked an idea to turn those wild stories into something larger.

“As I was kind of making my way into the comedy scene and finding a way to have something and a show that I could make my own, I remembered how special those nights were,” Rosen said.

The show also received some national attention when it was featured on ABC’s The Bachelorette this past season. There bachelorette Jojo Fletcher brought 12 of the male contestants to a performance of Sunday Night Sex Talks. The men had to prepare some of their own wild stories to share to the audience.

While that performance was a rather public affair, that’s not the usual vibe at the shows. Instead, the performers tell stories based around a certain theme for each night like “What Lies” and “Risky Business.” Though the stories apparently don’t disappoint, we won’t know: The audience swears to a Vow of Silence before each performance to save the anonymity and reputations of the storytellers.

It’s a classy move. We, however, at The Fresh Toast openly urge you to share all your Hot Messes publically. What’s the harm? Everyone has them.

Posted By: Brendan Bures

On National Voter Registration Day: Here’s How To Do It

Sam Jones
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On National Voter Registration Day: Here’s How To Do It

If you’ve noticed more people than usual standing in your path with clip boards, begging you to lend a hand in this crazy little thing called democracy, that’s because it’s National Voter Registration Day. It’s like Christmas or Hanukkah, except the only gift you receive is the knowledge that you’re able to lend a hand in turning this country in the direction you believe it should go. And no time off work. Sorry, we don’t even get that for actual election days.

If you visited reddit today — of course you did, it’s a day ending in Y — you saw this prompt before scrolling through endless crazy  food porn and bizarre Dominos AMAs:

In case you clicked away from that pop-up window too fast to take notes, here are the recommended sites. Choose one, register to vote before the deadline in your state, and show up on November 8th.

VotePlz calls itself the “literal fastest way to vote.” Check if you’re already registered, get the right forms and info for mailing it in, get a guide for voting, or turn it into a competition with your friends to see who can register the most people.

Vote.gov is the official government website for voter registration. It’s not drab and boring, however. Select your state or territory and they’ll tell you if you can register online, and get the goods you need to do so.

HelloVote is a chatbot for texting and Facebook messenger that’ll walk you through the process. Use their website or text text HELLO to 384-387 to get going.

RocktheVote — Remember Rock The Vote, 1990? This nonprofit is still rocking it, with info on who’s running in your state and how to register, of course.

Vote.org, pretty similar to the above options. Info, registration details, status check. Are you getting the point, yet? That it’s so easy and so important? Pick a website and do it now. Before you head back to Reddit.

 

BYOC: Why ‘Bring Your Own Cocktail’ Bars Are The Next Big Thing

Amy Hansen
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BYOC: Why ‘Bring Your Own Cocktail’ Bars Are The Next Big Thing

They’re called BYOC bars, but you’re not actually responsible for bringing in your own pre-made cocktails (we’re way past bottled Bacardi mojitos, after all). The liquor is the only thing you’re responsible for. Or as the Standard puts it:

The point is you bring the proverbial milkshake to the yard.

We’ll pause here so you can recall the glorious wonder that was and remains Kelis.

 

(Ed note: we aren’t sure if inflation has impacted what Kelis has to charge for her milkshake, but if you fellas out there can afford the going rate, we highly recommend you come up with the scratch.)

And now, back to our originally scheduled post.

As unconventional as it may sound, these BYOC pop-up bar concepts appear to be taking off in the U.K. By bringing in your spirit of choice, and paying what amounts to a minimal corkage fee, you not only save money, but bartenders are less likely to disappoint you with their recommendations.

Dublin is getting ready to launch its first BYOC bar called Drop Dead Twice. Here’s how it works:

https://www.instagram.com/p/BKlNwowgu0m/

If you didn’t catch all that, all the info is slo-mo on their site.

Daily Edge reports that from October 13 through December, “the bar’s resident mixologists will whip up a minimum of five bespoke cocktails using their expertise together with a wide range of mixers and liqueurs.”

Bespoke. For those keeping score at home, bespoke is what we call things we used to call homemade or personalized. It’s not really a big deal, but it sounds cool.

This isn’t the first instance of a publicized BYOC bar. They’ve experimented with the concept all over London. If this isn’t already happening in the U.S., I’m sure one will be arriving sooner than later. If you know of one, please enlighten the rest of us in the comments.

Consume is an essential source for food and beverage news, trends, tips, original recipes and everything in between. Want to read more? Try these posts: What Your Food And Drinks Look Like On A $21,000 Flight Upgrade, 11 Annoying Things About Menus, 6 Ciders That Will Make You Rethink Beer.

 

 

At A Glance: Colorado’s New Marijuana Edibles Packaging

Al Olson
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At A Glance: Colorado’s New Marijuana Edibles Packaging

Coloradans — and thousands of tourists looking for a Rocky Mountain high — have enjoyed legal cannabis for more than two years. One of the bumps in the regulatory road has been the edible labeling. On Oct. 1, new edibles packaging laws will take effect in an attempt to smooth out the bump.

The new regulations are designed to make the packaging less appealing to children and safer for adults unaccustomed to the potent marijuana-laced products. Beginning on Saturday, edible and beverage packages containing cannabis must adorn a diamond-shaped symbol with this statement: “Contains Marijuana. Keep out of the reach of children.”

Image via Colorado Dept. of Health
Image via Colorado Dept. of Health

The Colorado Department of Health has reported a spike in marijuana-related emergency room visits. Since legalization, Colorado has also struggled with regulating edible marijuana products, which have sent children to the hospital.

And, of course, who could forget the brouhaha in 2104 when New York Times columnist Maureen Dowd had her “mellow harshed” by a not-so-innocent caramel-chocolate flavored candy bar.

“Our priority is protecting the public health and safety of all Coloradans,” said Barbara Brohl, executive director of the Colorado Department of Revenue. “We collaborated extensively with all stakeholders to develop sensible rules that will provide consumers more information about what they’re buying and to ensure marijuana stays out of the hands of children. It is critical for retail and medical marijuana businesses licensed by the Department of Revenue to understand their role in implementing these new rules on time.”

Here are some of the highlights of the new regulations:

  • All new medical and retail marijuana packaging must feature the new universal symbol on the front. Medical and retail marijuana will have similar, but different symbols.
  • Packaging must include the following statement directly below the symbol: “Contains Marijuana. Keep out of the reach of children.”
  • The words “candy” or “candies” cannot appear on marijuana or marijuana packaging, unless part of the marijuana establishment’s name.
  • Each container of medical and retail marijuana must be labeled with necessary and relevant information for consumers, including a potency statement and a contaminant testing statement. The information must be easily accessible to consumers, clear and noticeable. Health and physical benefit claims cannot be included on labels.

“With the new universal symbol, people can more easily identify marijuana products, monitor their intake by serving size and avoid eating too much,” said Dr. Larry Wolk, executive director and chief medical officer at the Colorado Department of Public Health and Environment. “And by making marijuana labels less appealing to children, we hope to keep them from accidentally eating THC and suffering the consequences.”

 

 

 

Was Bronx Blast Weed Related? What You Need To Know

Al Olson
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Was Bronx Blast Weed Related? What You Need To Know

New Yorkers woke up Tuesday morning with the tragic news that a firefighter died and more than a dozen first responders were injured by a massive explosion in the Bronx. Early reports indicate the cause of the blast was an illegal propane-powered hydroponic marijuana grow facility operating in an apartment building.

Battalion Chief Michael Fahy, 44, a 17-year FDNY veteran and father of three, was killed after he was hit by flying debris, according to a local CBS News affiliate.

“Our members were investigating an odor of gas, and he was directing operations,”Commissioner Daniel Nigro told reporters. “They evacuated the surrounding buildings, got everyone else out of the way, when an explosion occurred. Chief Fahy was fatally struck with a portion of that building.”

Firefighters responded to a reported gas lead at 304 W. 234 St., near Tibbett Avenue in the Kingsbridge neighborhood, just a few miles north of Yankee Stadium. Police were called to the scene after firefighters discovered the grow lab. The blast occurred at about 7:30 a.m.

Investigators are still sorting through the scene collecting details on the explosion, so it is premature to point a finger at the exact cause. But incidents involving illegal, home-based marijuana operations and explosions are, unfortunately, in the headlines quite a bit these days.

Most of the cases involve converting the herb into oil using butane as an agent. Butane hash oil (BHO) is common for those users who “dab” — a highly concentrated form of consuming cannabis. Early reports do not indicate butane was the cause of the Bronx explosion.

Why was propane used as the energy source instead of electricity? It is unknown at this time, but in most cases illegal operations do not want to use electricity because it shows up as suspicious energy use for the utility company. In other words, it keeps the operation hidden from authorities.

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