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Apple Patents: 5 Products You Had No Idea Existed

Sam Jones
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Apple Patents: 5 Products You Had No Idea Existed

So, Apple recently  patented a bag. Not just any bag. The best bag the minds at Apple could possibly conceive.

Photo courtesy of United States Patent and Trademark Office
Photo courtesy of United States Patent and Trademark Office

At first glance, you might find this ridiculous. And it’s true: The best part of this is imagining the meeting where a brilliant, eager young Apple engineer, ready to create the next best damn product the world has ever seen, is told she’ll be on the team designing a paper bag. And this engineer goes, “You know what, I WILL make this the best damn version of a paper bag the world has seen! Nyah!” and then sets to work in her lab for months, barely sleeping, barely eating, just designing the hell out of this bag until it was perfect. God Himself could buy an iPhone and put it into this bag and say, “This is good.” Because as the Verge points out, it really is a very good bag. Some of the best patent notes showing they put a lot of work into this bag:

Embodiments of the present invention include a paper bag that includes a bag container formed of white paper with at least 60% post-consumer content. The white paper may be formed of solid bleached sulfate. The bag may have a reinforcement insert adhered to its interior, which may extend across and strengthen a fold of the bag container.
Embodiments of the present invention include a paper bag that includes a bag container formed of paper with a top edge including a notch, and a bag handle formed of paper. Ends of the bag handle may extend through the notch and may be fixed to the bag container. In the absence of an applied force on the bag handle, when the bag is in an upright orientation the bag handle may droop below the top edge of the bag container so that at least 90% of the bag handle is below the top edge of the bag container. The bag handle may be formed of paper fibers knitted in an 8-stitch circular-knit pattern, and may have a diameter of at least 6.5 millimeters.

But this isn’t the zaniest thing Apple has ever patented. They patented a “high tactility glove system” in 2011 that hasn’t seen the light of day:

Photo courtesy of United States Patent and Trademark Office
Photo courtesy of United States Patent and Trademark Office

It’s meant to be used with touchscreens, and involves “an inner liner and an outer shell” with a liner, made of electrically conductive material and an “anti-sticky finish.” Not sure what’s getting sticky when you’re using your tablets, but, ok.

Weird but at least potentially useful is Apple’s smart bike idea:

Photo via Patently Apple
Photo via Patently Apple

According to Patently Apple, they threw a lot of cyclist wonk features into this one, like the ability to share stats and status with other cyclists riding in a group, or nitty gritty details of your ride including speed, distance, time, altitude, elevation, incline, decline, heart rate, power, derailleur setting, cadence, wind speed, path completed, expected future path, heart rate, power, and pace.

Less useful: This “shake to print” function.

Photo via Patently Apple
Photo via Patently Apple

 

Patently Apple said it “could be quite useful” in 2012, but considering how little we actually print anything nowadays, let alone from our phones, this one might be better forgotten. Imagine an alternate 2016 where we’re standing around in front of printers, wagging our iPads at their fellow machines and trying to make them communicate, with a piece of paper as the end result. Nah.

 

Maybe in that world, we’re also communicating with the 3D avatars Apple dreamed up in 2011:

Photo via Patently Apple
Photo via Patently Apple

“Looking way out in the future, imagine when we’ll be able to send a next generation email that sends your 3D Avatar to your friend and it vocalizes your message and with the assistance of limited version of Siri’s engine, be able to take back a voice message from your friend,” Patently Apple writes. That’s a little too sci-fi for most tastes. Let’s stick with making a really, really good paper bag for now.

5 Important Life Lessons Learned From Spaghetti Westerns

Reggie Wade
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5 Important Life Lessons Learned From Spaghetti Westerns

I am a subconscious fan of Westerns. What do I mean by subconscious? I don’t actively peruse Westerns. They peruse me. Westerns have always been on in the background of my life. When I was a kid, my grandfather—an avid lover of the genre—exposed our family to classics such as Gunsmoke, Cheyenne, Bat Masterson, Have Gun Will Travel, Wyatt Earp and many more. Through osmosis, I picked up a few things. Westerns can teach you an awful lot about life—then and now.

Love

If you pay attention, Westerns can teach you more about love and sex than a Prince song… and that’s saying something. No disrespect to the Purple one, but it’s true. Let’s set the stage. Say you’re drinking at your favorite saloon and a local tough just called a barmaid a wench while grabbing her arm. You would get up, punch the guy square in the jaw and fighting would commence. After you win (of course you would win because you’re a good guy and good guys always win), that barmaid would take you upstairs, clean your wounds and then she would sleep with you. Ah, the good old days, where all it took to get laid was risking personal safety. Say what you want, it’s still better than Tinder.

Alcoholism is a career option?

In the Old West, being a drunk was a totally viable career option. In fact, it was damn near necessary. Every respectable town needed a town drunk. Why? How would you know who the respectable people were if there were no unrespectable people to compare? It wasn’t a bad living. You’d stumble out of bed, clock in for work stinking of whiskey, wearing the same clothes you went to bed in. So kinda like working on Wall Street, just with fewer benefits and way more societal respect.

Fashion

In the Old West, wearing black meant you were a crappy person with no scruples or morals to speak of. In today’s society, wearing black usually means you’re a New Yorker, which to the rest of the world, coincidentally, means you’re a crappy person with no scruples or morals to speak of. In the Old West, all the bad guys wore black. So unless you were on the wrong side of the law, black was out of the question. Which is really too bad because black is really slimming. It’s a shame that clothing can be so stigmatized. Remember Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. dreamed we would one day live in a nation where we’re not judged by the color of our silk but by the content of our cardigans.? We can only dream. On a side note, you can make Dr. King’s speech say and mean whatever you want, just like the bible! It’s great!

Minorities are endearing in a folksy way

When viewing anything branded as “Western” one must remember that political correctness was virtually nonexistent. These were the same people who believed in seizing foreign land through Manifest Destiny: “The 19th-century belief that the expansion of the US throughout the American continents was both inevitable and justified” So just know you’re dealing with people who thought it was their God-given right to be assh*les. In those days’ minorities were viewed in a special light. Acceptable in small numbers (2 the most) downtrodden, luckless and totally dependent on the white man. If a non-white was part of an autonomous thriving community, then they were clearly agents of the devil and needed to be dealt with. But for the sake of happy times, we’ll only touch on the former. Minorities were judged on one simple criterion: How could they serve the white man and his cause for greatness. This help usually came in the form of servitude. Stable boys, saloon sweepers, and cooks were the staples as far as employment was concerned. Whenever a white person faced a problem or challenge — the minority would chime in with a folksy saying or story from their rich cultural heritage. This sage advice would usually lead to the white man’s prevailing and getting all the credit. Little or no mention would be given to the true dispenser of that wisdom. It was appropriation at its finest. It’s a shame we don’t see any of that today…

How to be a man

Being a “man” may be a subjective thing in our modern times — but in the old West, there was a litmus test of manhood. Men had to be tough, brave rugged and tall. If you weren’t tall — that’s OK, you just had to have a complex about it and punch every third man you saw in the jaw. Why? Because you’re a man that’s why!  You also had to fight in one of the many proxy wars waged against Native American’s. If you didn’t, you could just make one up. Everyone would believe you.

So there you have it. Just 5 incredibly important things I have learned from watching Westerns. It was a simpler time; it was a more romantic time… it was actually a terrible time. Above all else, watching Westerns should have you thanking your lucky stars you were born into a time when indoor plumbing wasn’t considered a luxury.

What Happened When A Man Squatted In My House

James Chatham
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What Happened When A Man Squatted In My House

I didn’t remember there being garbage in my room. And yet, there it was. Scattered about the room in a circle, surrounding a spot conspicuously large enough for exactly one uninvited human to sleep. Thankfully, the human was not around.

My roommate and I had signed the lease two days prior, but due to having utterly no furniture and, evidently, even less sense, we skipped staying in the house for a couple of days. And so, when we finally decided to start moving our stuff in, we stumbled upon the pile of trash, food and pants that had materialized in our absence. It was unnerving to say the absolute least.

It’s a three-bedroom house so, naturally, the squatter decided on my room. Upon closer inspection, we found all manner of trinkets and food … bits, including (but not limited to) leggings, a pair of bedazzled jeans, two AA batteries, an MRE sleeve containing frozen burritos, cigarette butts and a marker. The marker, in my opinion, being the most interesting of the items. Scrawled at the base of the wall was the name, “Luigi.” Presumably. It wasn’t exceptionally legible, so I suppose it could have been anything. But we’ll go with “Luigi” for the purposes of narrative ease.

We found leggings, a pair of bedazzled jeans, two AA batteries, an MRE sleeve containing frozen burritos, cigarette butts, and a marker.

Luigi was nowhere to be seen, having most likely gone out to do whatever squatters do in the middle of the day. Needless to say, my roommate and I were not thrilled. Employing the wisdom of every detective show I had ever seen, I started inspecting the house, inch by inch. There was a microwave in the bedroom across from mine, plugged in and still open. Rude. Additionally, the heat in my room was turned up all the way. Very rude. Luigi cared not for my energy bill.

Outside yielded the biggest find, though. A wooden ladder, lying on its side, had been stored in the alley next to our house. It was, conveniently (depending on your perspective, I guess), just the right height to climb into the kitchen window. Which had a broken lock. Case closed. We brought the ladder inside to the stairwell, forced the window closed with weed-based engineering and turned on all the lights, establishing a very obvious “We live here!” presence.

But there was still the lingering anxiety of whether Luigi might return to fetch his things. Having your house invaded while you aren’t there is one thing, but being present when a stranger climbs in through the window is decidedly traumatic. Besides, what could I do if Luigi came back? I am not particularly large nor intimidating and I just can’t imagine mustering up the commanding voice needed to will someone out of the house.

So, I did what any good renter does, and called the landlord. Emailed her, really. Looking back on it, it was a fairly casual response to a tense situation. But what were the other options? Calling the police may have given them a report for their files, but it would have resulted in little beyond: “Yeah, that happens.” The house is located in the University District of Seattle, directly in the middle of, I’m finding out now, what is apparently the “sketchiest” part of the UDistrict.

But what does sketchy necessarily mean? That there is a large homeless population is a given in Seattle. And I don’t think Luigi intended to harm anyone. Granted, I don’t appreciate the violation of privacy and boundaries, but he clearly only came in because it was obvious no one was home. So why do I still feel on-edge?

There’s a notion that being amidst the homeless makes you inherently more prone to being a victim of a crime. And that’s probably true, logically speaking. But I’m hesitant to fall into panic at the first sign of trouble. Namely, because Luigi was, in all likelihood, just looking for a place to rest his head for the night. There is a fine line here, especially when considering the staggering effects of gentrification. On the one hand, I paid the exorbitant price that it takes to live in a decent house, free of unwanted guests. On the other hand, I just moved here and have probably spent less time in the city of Seattle than Luigi has. This doesn’t justify a break-in, but it begs the question of who is trespassing on who. Or perhaps I’m being needlessly pedantic.

At any rate, my roommate suggested we gather Luigi’s things into a bag and leave them out front. We didn’t want him coming back, but we certainly didn’t feel justified in tossing out his entire life’s possessions. When I came back the next day the bag was gone, and the house undisturbed. Luigi had respected our wishes.

How Does Cannabis Help You? Tell Us Your Story

Al Olson
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How Does Cannabis Help You? Tell Us Your Story

Is cannabis your medicine? Do you use it to help you sleep or relieve pain? If so, we want you to share your stories with The Fresh Toast.

More and more Americans are discovering the medicinal value of the cannabis plant. It has been a medicine since 2900 BC and 25 states have medical marijuana programs. Just who are these patients?

  • Veterans returning home from war zones have found medical marijuana is preferable to the pharmaceuticals prescribed by VA doctors.
  • Parents of children with Dravet syndrome and other seizure disorders have turned to the herb to safely provide their kids with relief and a chance at a normal life.
  • Multiple sclerosis patients often report that the prescription medicine available is almost as bad a having the disease. Many MS sufferers now consume small amounts of medical marijuana to ease their intolerable pain and report success.
  • Patients suffering from Crohn’s disease report that cannabis is a godsend. It brings quick relief and allows them to have a productive life.

For generations, Americans have been warned about the dangers of cannabis. In the meantime, millions of our citizens have become addicted to opiods. Reefer madness. The war on drugs. Just say no. All these government efforts have failed. In 1988, Francis Young, a DEA administrative law judge, had this to say:

In strict medical terms marijuana is far safer than many foods we commonly consume. For example, eating 10 raw potatoes can result in a toxic response. By comparison, it is physically impossible to eat enough marijuana to induce death. Marijuana in its natural form is one of the safest therapeutically active substances known to man. By any measure of rational analysis marijuana can be safely used within the supervised routine of medical care.

The “stoner stigma” is vanishing from our culture. Why? Because cannabis works!

Share your story with us and we will post them in our RX section. In the meantime, check out our cannabis coverage in Highway and RX.

And if you don’t believe us, maybe you’ll believe Dr. Sanjay Gupta in the video below.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dlvJEEaBLec

 

Fresh Playlist: The Weeknd Stays Mainstream And Green Day Is Back

Brendan Bures
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Fresh Playlist: The Weeknd Stays Mainstream And Green Day Is Back

With new music flying like warp-speed through the various channels of the Internet, it can be hard to keep up. But worry not! Each week The Fresh Toast will deliver the most-discussed and exciting songs that have recently dropped. Landed. Crashed. And also: soared. Enjoy.

The Weeknd—“Starboy” ft. Daft Punk

For those burned out on the cataclysmic album rollouts today’s biggest pop stars unleashed on audiences this year—the moving target of release dates, the multi-layered experience, the press aversion—The Weeknd provides relief. No secrecy here: He announced his newest album Starboy with a Nov. 25 release date. Two months out, he released the record’s first single. As traditional a rollout as they come.

But what about the song? “Starboy” sees The Weeknd collaborate with Daft Punk—a huge get, the robots don’t just lend their talents to anyone—and continue mainstreaming his pop stardom. Those electronic click-click-clack drums assure this song’s success. Credit The Weeknd’s pitch rising and falling with that rhythm, alluring you further into the track; it’s no easy feat. The Weeknd also delivers some quality one-liners you’re about to see as Instagram captions like “I come alive in the fall time” and “We don’t pray for love, we just pray for cars.” Oh and it’s hard not singing along with that hook, “I’m a motherfuckin’ star, boy.”

The small criticism: It’s the slightly sanitized The Weeknd, pop star. Singer Abel Tesfaye created this problem himself. His dark R&B trilogy of mixtapes—House of Ballons, Thursday, and Echoes of Silence—still casts a shadow over everything he releases. The seductively aloof “Starboy” persona he performs in this song wouldn’t be possible without those records. Maybe it’s because “Starboy” just sounds so structured that some have negatively labeled the single “manufactured” and “safe.” That’s a bit harsh. It’s more aligned with the rest of The Weeknd’s rollout: traditional.

Kevin Abstract—“Empty”

It’s been both fun and frustrating to watch Kevin Abstract grow. And for a certain type of music fan—younger, has read KanyeToThe at least once, sensitive—Abstract has been one to watch. To those who love derivative descriptions, he’s a hybrid of Frank Ocean lite and earlier Childish Gambino. The praise doesn’t come lightly; the potential Abstract has engendered also come with expectations, which he doesn’t seem that interested in fulfilling. He goes on by his own drum. He seems to ooze emotional nostalgia and mournful melodies. He’s also able tap into a deeper universal spectrum, one that connects him to so many of his fans, but he’s only shown glimpses of putting it all together.

His latest track “Empty,” then, comes as sort of vindication. It’s perfectly crafted. That hook exudes all the feelings. And that video, which Abstract directed, is so clever. A Boogie Nights-inspired narrative of a high-school football star getting caught by his girlfriend, hooking up with another dude—Abstract, who plays with his sexuality like Ocean. “Empty” is the second single off Abstract’s upcoming American Boyfriend record. It’s shaping up to deliver.

Kaytranada—“0.001%” mixtape

I went to concerts on back-to-back nights this week: Kanye West and Kaytranada. It sounds like a humblebrag, but I don’t recommend it. I’m exhausted. That type of live musical injection may only safely be administered in festival settings.

Anyways, Kanye delivered a wonderful sermon, but Kaytranada placed me in a trance. It’s an unfair comparison, I know, but without the theatrics and messages and iconography, Kaytranada unleashed a frequency inside I didn’t know was there. And all he needed was music and a sweet light show. It’s probably why he won the 2016 Polaris Prize (awarded to the best album by a Canadian artist). But also his new mixtape 0.001% is fresh as hell and a fantastic follow-up to 99.9%. Pitch-perfect vibes.

Danny Brown—“Really Doe” ft. Kendrick Lamar, Ab-Soul, Earl Sweatshirt

BARS. If you’re not about these BARS, boy, best to check yourself now. Four of rap’s best spitters just let loose those raps that melt your soul over this menacing and twinkling beat. It’s pure hip hop ecstasy. Apparently Kendrick is the reason this song even came together, adding just one more reason to thank K.Dot for blessing us.

Green Day—“Still Breathing”

Green Day byke? It’s sounding like it. This is that old pop-punk sound that made us all fall for Green Day back in the day. But this song isn’t just doing it for that weird middle school loner still inside me, it’s also doing it for me now. The band has captured the old and blended it with the new. I don’t know. I’m suddenly anticipating Green Day’s upcoming album Revolution Radio? That’s a sentence I never thought I’d write.

NxWorries (Anderson .Paak + Knxledge)—“Lyke Dis”

Anderson .Paak is winning everything in 2016. Dude’s on a run and every artist is trying to get a piece of him. Not only is his Malibu album one of the best records of the year, he’s on some of the other best records of the year by artists like ScHoolboy Q, Mac Miller, and Kaytranada.

But this collaboration with (slightly) underground producer Knxledge is a throwback. The pair released an EP last year. It included the jam “Suede,” which apparently caught Dr. Dre’s ears and eventually led to Anderson signing with Dre’s Aftermath label. “Lyke Dis” continues in that vein and is from NxWorries’ Yes Lawd album, due out next month.

Florida Man Busted By Cops For Riding Manatees

Taylor Berman
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Florida Man Busted By Cops For Riding Manatees

If hitching a ride with a manatee in the Florida Keys sounds like it’d be good, harmless fun, consider the story of James Roy Massengale Jr. as a warning: This past Friday, the 47-year-old went swimming near Islamorada Library Beach, and apparently began to touch two adult manatees and their two calves.

The Bradenton Herald reports a witness warned Massengale that touching manatees was illegal (It’s against the law in Florida to molest manatees). Unfazed, the man continued. “I’m riding it!” he shouted.

Photo via FWC
Photo via FWC

Not long after, Florida Fish and Wildlife Conservation Commission officer Courtney Baumgartner arrived on the scene and spotted Massengale “reaching for, touching, and lying over top manatees in the creek.” From the Bradenton Herald:

Massengale denied being warned away from the protected marine mammal and became “verbally combative,” FWC Officer Bobby Dube, an agency spokesman, said. “A short time later, [Massengale] changed his story and admitted he did talk to the witness, but ‘wasn’t going to stop until someone with a badge’ told him to.”

Baumgartner initially told Massengale that she was writing him a notice to appear in court, but he wasn’t having any part of it. “Take me to jail!,” he reportedly shouted, adding that he wouldn’t show up to court otherwise.

The FWC officer obliged him, and called the Monroe County Sheriff’s Office, who sent deputies to arrest the manatee lover. As of Thursday evening, the Associated Press reports that Massengale was still being held in Monroe County jail on $25,000 bail.

Posted By: Taylor Berman

Delete An Instagram Food Photo, Feed The Hungry

Amy Hansen
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Delete An Instagram Food Photo, Feed The Hungry

Helping to feed the hungry has never been easier, especially if your Instagram is inundated with food pics, like every other person on social media.

In an astute move that will not only combat hunger, but thin the herd, Land O’Lakes is donating 11 meals for every food pic deleted on Instagram.

And it’s easy to do.

Simply synch your Instagram account with the Delete to Feed website, and they’ll keep track of how many photos have been deleted. Ad Week reports the campaign will end in mid-October or when the brand reaches its goal of 2.75 million  meals donated. That’s about a quarter of a million bucks worth of food.

The ancillary goal of this campaign is to get people thinking about those in need every time they post a food photo on social media, which likely doesn’t happen often.

The 9 Hottest First Ladies In History

Taylor Berman
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The 9 Hottest First Ladies In History

“Who are the nine hottest First Ladies in History?” is a question that, for centuries, no one has been able to answer definitively. For starters, there have been many, many First Ladies—in the U.S., and abroad, where they’re often known as “Queens.” All have had various extremely hot traits. To settle this age-old debate, we at The Fresh Toast combed through the history books, consulted various scientists, and polled millions of people–alive and dead–who work in the front part of our office. The result is this list, which is the definitive record of the nine hottest First Ladies in History. Enjoy.

Catherine Jagiellon, 1526-1583, Wife of John III of Sweden

Jagiellon had quite the life. At different times, she was a Polish princess, the Queen of Sweden, and the Grand Princess of Finland, which puts her in a tie with First Lady Hillary Clinton (First Lady, Senator, Secretary of State) for most professional titles for a First Lady that I know of. Also, she wore good hats.

Michelle Obama, b. 1964, Wife of Barack Obama, 44th U.S. President

An Ivy League-educated lawyer, Michelle Obama is objectively hot because she’s friends with many celebrities, and celebrities do not spend time with non-hot people, even if their husband is the most powerful person on Earth.

Dolley Madison, 1768—1849, Wife of James Madison, 4th President

The first First Lady was technically Martha Washington, but the first First Lady to be known as a First Lady was Dolley Madison, who was referred to as such at her funeral in 1849. If that interesting fact isn’t enough to make her a top-7 hottest First Lady, how about this: In 1814, as the British approached the White House at the War of 1812, Madison is said to have chosen to save an $800 portrait of George Washington by artist Gilbert Stuart instead of some of her personal belongings. The painting turned out to be a copy, but that doesn’t take away from the hotness of Dolley’s bravery.

Catherine Howard, 1522-1542, Wife of Henry VIII

The fifth wife of Henry VIII, Catherine was a hot First Lady because she had lots of extramarital sex both before and during her marriage to the King. Sadly, those affairs led to her beheading. Worth it? Maybe.

Jacqueline Kennedy Onassis, 1929-1994, Wife of John F. Kennedy, 35th U.S. President

Considered by my girlfriend and probably many others to be the hottest First Lady of all time, Jackie O. is the only First Lady to have married a billionaire. Other First Ladies should be so lucky, aside from the assassination-of-her-husband-right-next-to-her-in-broad-daylight part.

Laura Bush, b. 1946, Wife of George W. Bush, 43rd U.S. President

Reading, especially if your husband is functionally illiterate, is sexy, which explains why former librarian Laura Bush is on this list.

Abigail Fillmore, 1798 – 1853, Wife of Millard Fillmore, 13th U.S. President

What can we say about Abigail Fillmore that hasn’t been said before. She’s clearly hot.

Margaret Trudeau, b. 1948, Wife of Pierre Trudeau, 15th Prime Minister of Canada

Everyone talks about how hot new Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau is and how many push-ups he can do and blah blah blah, but compared to his mother Margaret, Justin is blander than a bag of milk. In the 1970s, Mrs. Trudeau reportedly smuggled drugs in luggage belonging to her husband, then-Canadian PM Pierre Trudeau, and was a regular at Studio 54. She also claims to have had affairs with Jack Nicholson (cool) and Ted Kennedy (gross).

Carla Bruni, b. 1967, Former Wife of Nicolas Sarkozy, 23rd President of France

Real Pretty.

A First Dispatch From the ‘Survivor Millennials Vs. Gen X’ Culture Wars

Brendan Bures
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A First Dispatch From the ‘Survivor Millennials Vs. Gen X’ Culture Wars

Let’s talk about “Survivor: Millennials Vs. Gen X.” Wanna know what you’re playing for? Currently America is at war with itself. Two ideologies pitted against one another, fighting for the soul of our country. This is not a joke. This is no time to distract oneself with Skittles or Zodiac signs. The stakes are as high as they’ve ever been. As the dawn of a new era peaks over the ‘morrow, the fate of so many lives hang in the balance.

Your vote matters.

This isn’t the time for carnival games like professional football or the presidential election. We’re talking the most #important competition that’s ever been played.

Survivor: Millennials vs. Gen X.

The culture wars have taken a toll on this country. *Cue the Sarah McLaghlin* Each day, lives are lost. Heroes fall. Internet cities crumble. Too many loved ones #logoff-ed. So much pointless bloodshed.

But the fine folks at CBS are finally gosh darn doing something about it. (Thanks for always keeping that one eye open for us.) They are hosting a reality show competition unlike the world has ever witnessed. Millennials. Gen Xers. Pitted against one another to crown one generation superior for evermore. It’s like that one movie Hunger Games ripped off, but way more real.

I’ll be your faithful correspondent, delivering dispatches from the frontlines. Where this war will lead us who knows? But I’ll do my best to be there every step of the way.

Here’s how it works:

A millennial becomes the Sole Survivor, millennials win the culture wars forevermore.

A Gen Xer becomes Sole Survivor, Gen X (kind of) wins, but millennials will be around longer so no matter what they’ll win, which makes you wonder why we debate about the fate of “the culture” every damn day, unless it’s just some shit we can further thump our chests about, but hey, I’m just a simple war reporter, so what do I know about media? [grinning emoji]

Here are some rules I made up to entertain myself:

+10 points to any contestant who says “I’m not really a Gen Xer/millennial”
-20 points to any contestant who say “I’m a Gen Xer/millennial so…”
-15 points to any Gen Xer who bemoans “participation ribbons”
-15 points to any millennial who brags of “being a free spirit” or “not following the rules”
+250 points to any Gen Xer who wins any competition (reward or immunity), immediately turns to a millennial opponent, and spits the following phrase in their face: “Tweet that, bitch.” Actually any Gen Xer who tells a millennial to use social media in a derogatory manner will receive these points.
+50 additional points if Snapchat is the platform
+200 points to any millennial who references the following movies to a Gen Xer in a derogatory manner: Slacker, Clerks, Reality Bites, Less Than Zero, Kids, The Breakfast Club, Say Anything.

That’s it for now. Let’s get into the episode.

This year Survivor travels to Fiji to stage this vital warfare. I get the choice: Best to isolate and contain violence within the most beautiful portions of our world. Like all Survivor seasons, the contestants lack any awareness of the battle about to be raged.

screenshot-36
Photo screenshot via Survivor/CBS

Just look at them. Sitting so close together. Enemies sworn to fight one another and they don’t even know. It’s like if I were sitting that close to someone who didn’t absolutely love the cinematic classic Fast and Furious franchise. I’m not saying there’s no shot of us being friends, but you’re making it real hard. I mean, you definitely wouldn’t be invited to my birthday parties is all I’m saying.

So sworn enemies? I can hardly imagine. Probably best they do it this way, not announcing the theme ahead of time. Who would volunteer their life for such a brutal, pointless war? You’re right: Too many.

Anyways, the cast members. To learn more about them, let’s play a game shall we?

screenshot-22
Photo screenshot via Survivor/CBS

In the above photo, one of these contestants is a millennial. Bragging about his rapturous, freewheeling millennial lifestyle, he included the following statements: “I’ve been to North Dakota” and “I’m a Peter Pan type.” Guess who? Wow congratulations you’re right. Man bun dude! Who would’ve guessed it.

Now you won’t believe this, I hardly did myself, but a Gen Xer ranted about millennials. Host Jeff Probst asked a member from each tribe to define some characteristics about their generation. The Gen Xer bemoaned millennial work ethics, eventually making the best #humblebrag ever delivered on camera: we “actually had to walk to the store and get milk—it didn’t come in a drone.” Let’s examine the face of such a humblebragging man.

screenshot-39
Photo screenshot via Survivor/CBS

Truly the fiercest champions have been assembled to wage this battle.

The tribes go on to pilfer some gear to help them survive the next few days. We learn some surface-level details about the contestants as they construct their shelters. Narratives form: Gen Xers *get to work* while the millennials half-work before playing in the water. Who am I to judge? They earned it.

My favorite tidbits: One Gen Xer claims to have lived off the grid for like five-and-a-half years (though he’s no hope building the shelter!) and a millennial explains her career as a YouTube gamer. Because I’m a good wartime correspondent and not creepy, I looked her up. Guess what? She made a Minecraft parody video about being on Survivor and…it’s incredible.

Now if that doesn’t win an Academy Award, it might be time to finally boycott the Oscars. Maybe form a hashtag to raise awareness: #OscarsSoUnfairlyAgainstMillennials. Now that’s an important cause.

Though a storm approaches into the night and their shelter literally collapses when they sit on it, the millennials remain confident.

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Photo screenshot via Survivor/CBS

See, that’s the attitude that got millennials entering the workforce during the recession. While everyone continues to doubt the generation, they fight and find new ways to—

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Photo screenshot via Survivor/CBS
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Photo screenshot via Survivor/CBS

Well, that escalated quickly.

Anyways, Probst rides into the respective camps to deliver this endearing news: the tropical storm has been upgraded to a cyclone. And to those people who say global warming isn’t real, well, I bet you’re still feeling real good about yourselves.

Probst then informs the tribe they’re evacuating them because it’s unsafe and cloud monsters have populated the sky like this:

screenshot-31
Photo screenshot via Survivor/CBS

So funny story: The Gen Xers didn’t need to leave because a tree fell on their shelter. They would’ve been safe the whole time!

Eventually the tribes battle in a challenge. Climb through some ropes, walk across a balance beam, assemble a puzzle. There’s some nuance but it doesn’t matter. What does is one generation strikes the first blow in the war: wait whoa it’s the millennials? Looks like Mom was right: not working hard always pays off.

Just look at the stunned faces on those Gen Xers.

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Photo screenshot via Survivor/CBS

You might say, Reality Bites. (+200 points to me!)

The Gen Xers vote out someone not fit for such a battle. We hardly knew ye.

Well it looks like things are just heating up. Stay tuned for my next dispatch from the frontlines because one thing’s for sure: The culture wars have just continued again.

How Well Do You Know Your Pumpkin Spice?

Amy Hansen
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How Well Do You Know Your Pumpkin Spice?

[qzzr quiz=”266041″ width=”100%” height=”auto” redirect=”true” offset=”0″]

The annual PSL season is just now heating up. Know all about it with this quiz!

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