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What Happened When I Rode Amtrak With A Totally Wasted Hot Mess

Jenny Pryor
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What Happened When I Rode Amtrak With A Totally Wasted Hot Mess

This weekend, I was very excited to experience my first ever ride on Amtrak. From New York City to Albany, a scenic ride along side the beautiful Hudson River. I got up, went to work, then took the subway into Manhattan to Penn Station.

Soon I was on the north-bound train, and was welcomed by a cozy, big, double seat to myself and free WiFi. Before the train even starts a group of women sits down and begins talking very loudly. One of them is clearly drunk, and is the only person whose voice can be heard throughout the entire train car.

The young woman starts mentioning to the stranger next to her that she’s with her boss. “This is my boss … this is my boss.” She’s pointing at her aggressively. She starts asking the stranger what he does for a living, and he says he’s a musician. She starts yelling out her guesses about what instrument he plays, and scores with a “fucking saxophonist.”

Mind you, this is only 5 or 10 minutes into all of us boarding the train. An older man shouts out, “Do you kiss your mother with that mouth?” She responds: “Yes, that’s why I’m here and not home right now.” Whatever that means. The boss mentions aloud, perhaps in an attempt to shut her up, “We were supposed to be working on the way home, weren’t we Suzy?”

Do you ever have sex on stage?

Suzy* responds that there isn’t WiFi, but I know there is because I’m on it. The conversation strays back to Suzy asking the musician what he does and she asks, “Do you ever have sex on stage?” Right, because that would be appropriate. Eventually the nice saxophonist says, “I hope you have a job tomorrow.” Her boss’ reply: “She may not.”

The boss continues throughout the first hour of the three-hour train ride to apologize profusely for her employee. The boss is also sitting next to a stranger; she and her hot mess entered the train last so they had to take the only available seats left on the train and are sitting apart from each other, allowing me to be a witness to all of this. The boss says to the man next to her, “You’ve gotta feel bad for me that I need to supervise her.”

At one point, Suzy takes her boss’ glasses and starts imitating her. She goes, “Jillian is like this at work … hey, I’m Jillian!” Good one, Suzy! The boss begs for her glasses back, to no avail.

Eventually Suzy gets up to go to the bathroom, and the boss starts to explain to the man next to her that Suzy won’t actually be losing her job tomorrow. She says  it’s because, she is “a good person” and though “one may question my judgement, why I hired her … she’s very smart.”  She also apologizes again to the person sitting next to Suzy and he responds, “Don’t worry I’m used to it. I have children.” Shortly after she returns from the bathroom, and right on cue, Suzy asks: “Are we there yet?”Just like a child would.

I try to pretend this isn’t happening around me and do some work on my laptop. But it’s impossible to ignore. “I guess my alarm won’t have to be set for work tomorrow.” At this Jillian says, “Don’t start with me, Suzy.” About a half hour later, she starts asking her boss to set her alarm for her! Then asks if she is staying at her house tonight! Well, by now it’s clear this boss-employee relationship has some blurred lines!

The boss says in a stern, motherly voice: “Suzy, we have two events tomorrow. You know you need to be working.” Suzy trails off and starts asking where they will be partying tonight once they get to Albany.

If we’ve learned anything from this story it’s that you probably shouldn’t (or totally should) get drunk on Amtrak with your boss, and that the real Hot Mess in this story is Jillian! Get it together lady—there are plenty of good and smart people out there you can employ that won’t make a total fool of you on public transportation!

*names have been changed

Posted By: Jenny Pryor

Woman Totals Car After Spider Falls From Rearview Mirror

TFT Editors
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Woman Totals Car After Spider Falls From Rearview Mirror

There are very few good excuses for crashing your car in a ditch. “Driving away from bad guys and losing control” is one. Another is “swerving to avoid hitting an animal or child.” A third is “panicking because a Goddamn spider just dropped near your face from the rearview mirror.”

The latter happened to a woman in Portland, Oregon, Wednesday morning, according to KATU. The woman apparently saw the spider, freaked out, and lost control of her car, which rolled over once into a ditch. She escaped with only a minor cut on her hand, but her car wasn’t so lucky: It was totaled. No word on what happened to the spider. 

Say what you want about the woman’s driving skills, but at least she didn’t try to set the spider on fire.

Posted By: Taylor Berman

The Hamdog: Part Burger, Part Hotdog, And The Answer To All Your Prayers

Amy Hansen
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The Hamdog: Part Burger, Part Hotdog, And The Answer To All Your Prayers

Someone finally did it. They invented a hamburger-hotdog hybrid. It’s called, of course, the Hamdog. And we have a guy named Mark Murray to thank.

Initially pitched as a business concept on Shark Tank, Murray was left to create and market the product on his own after the short-sighted (and obviously not craving the perfect munchie) panel passed on investing.


But who’s laughing now, sharks? After declaring it would be nearly impossible and way too expensive to patent and produce the Hamdog, Murray proved them wrong.

The Break reports that the Hamdog is currently being sold at special events and local markets around Australia for about $6.00.

Not to be confused with the one-off American Hamdog, which was introduced when MySpace and Jay Leno were still popular, Murray’s Hamdog is already in franchise mode; he’s selling rights for $10,000 a pop.

Watch This Very Good Dog Play Fetch In A Leaf Pile

Sam Jones
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Watch This Very Good Dog Play Fetch In A Leaf Pile

If your mom is anything like my mom, the first day of fall is basically a national holiday. The fake leaf wreaths come out of storage, cinnamon sticks go from an infrequently-used food item to an acceptable coffee table decoration, and the weird pumpkin spice latte scented candles come out to play.

If you mom also has access to the internet and YouTube, she might have — like my own mom — sent you a quirky video to mark the Earth’s tidy right angle to the sun. Which is how this amazing dog ended up in my inbox today.

This is Stella. She’s a Very Good Dog. According to her Instagram, she’s a three year old yellow lab who “loves life” and gets a phone camera in her face fairly regularly. In between social media posts, she can be found embodying the purest definition of joy: Jumping headlong into giant piles of leaves to retrieve a ball. She dives in like the universe itself depends on it.

Someone put a camera on her collar and it’s like BEING the dog:

Gif via Giphy

We write frequently about Good Dogs here at The Fresh Toast. They’re super chill, they float on through this crazy life, and they know we’re talking about them. Stella is an excellent addition to our dog lineup. She is living her best life.

But does she actually enjoy the leaves, or is her owner just torturing her by tossing the ball into the pile over and over? Decide for yourself.

Watch all of her glorious romps, here:

 

Someone Who Knows Almost Nothing About Harry Potter Takes The Patronus Quiz

Sam Jones
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Someone Who Knows Almost Nothing About Harry Potter Takes The Patronus Quiz

Everyone’s tweeting and Facebook-posting and texting me, for some reason, about this new Patronus quiz. Now, I thought I took this quiz a long time ago, but it turns out that the one I tried to take was a “sorting hat quiz” that assigns the quiz-taker a Harry Potter “house.” I didn’t go to boarding school or anything, but to me that sounds pretty much like a cult, probably.

I half-assedly tried to sign up for Pottermore once, when the sorting hat quiz was a big deal. It was like a twelve step program to get an account. In my hazy recollection, I gave up after several tries. Signing up for a Nickelodeon account when I was 13 was easier than this. Children accomplish this, and I cannot.

I’m told by people who go to Harry Potter World for honeymoons that a patronus is NOT your house animal, like the big fancy bird or the honey badgers that belong to houses in the HP world. The patronus is your “spirit animal,” to put it in a culturally appropriative yet socially recognizable way. It’s what you are, deep down.

So here I am facing this freaking signup for Pottermore again, because my social feed has peer pressured me into finding out what kind of lame-ass animal I am. I know it will be lame, like a groundhog or some similar kind of chunky furry land-dweller, because the same friends have informed me I am House Hufflepuff. And I’m ok with that. Which is more evidence toward Team Hufflepuff, I think.

Somehow, I ended up completing enough steps in my first go at Pottermore years ago, because I successfully log in with the same password and email that I use for everything. I’m brought to a page where my cursor is glittery and trails fairy dust around the screen. I spend some time playing with that. It’s nice. I could do this for a while instead of taking the actual quiz.

Gif via Pottermore

After I hit Begin, it presents me with “Shine Glitter Glow,” so now we’re in a Claire’s, that’s cool. Next, I swoop over to “Blood, Bone” and I hesitate because it’s Hot Topic now and I am really conflicted. Blood or bone, indeed!? The words disappear before I can choose, because apparently something called a dementor could have “gotten me” while I hesitated. I’m not sure what a dementor is but I don’t want that.

Next are a bunch more adjectives and prepositions: Over Under Around, Warm Cold, and… that’s it? I’m suddenly faced with a blob of swirling sparklies that I assume will form into my patronus, but instead it just hangs out and swirls at me for a solid three minutes, taking a lot of joy out of eating through my MacBook Air’s meager CPU resources. My laptop is legitimately hot at this point.

Gif via Pottermore

It shows no sign of stopping after a full 10 minutes, which is way beyond my attention span and those of the children taking this quiz. So I refresh the page and start over. My patronus cannot be “confused glitter blob.” It’s really accurate but I need some answers.

This time around, it gives me a much less graphically intense version. It’s just a pretty background with words, and it all holds still instead of swooshing around. Excellent. I get much farther, this time. “Something’s trying to emerge from your wand, keep going!” it tells me. They let kids take this? “It’s forming! It’s forming!” Jesus, J.K. Rowling. Calm it.

Finally, the moment! My patronus is… a Pine Marten. I fucking knew it would be some furry ground dwelling punk-ass weasel looking slinky-cat. The kind of animal that sticks its face into wine glasses and then tips the whole thing over or makes homes in hats. Totally called it. I knew it in my heart of hearts.

Gif via Giphy

But wait! A cursory Google of my newfound animal form tells me that Pine Martens are “adorable assassins.” Okay, I’ll take it. Maybe there is something to this quiz. I will own my Pine Marten-ness, because it is mine. Work with what you’ve got.

Stepping Into Saint Pablo’s Church With the Followers Of Yeezus

Brendan Bures
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Stepping Into Saint Pablo’s Church With the Followers Of Yeezus

It’s a good gag, the stage. Waiting for Kanye West’s Saint Pablo tour to begin, it hovers above, almost taunting the crowd. Seeing it in person before the show, you kind of doubt it will work. By now you’ve probably seen or heard, but there is no static place for everyone to direct their attention throughout the concert. Instead, Kanye climbs atop a platform that floats above the standing general admission concertgoers, and rotates around the arena, giving almost everyone a great view during the show. Part performer, part preacher.

The punchline: Yeah, Kanye literally places himself on a pedestal above other people. But that’s a limited view because it also democratizes the experience. No one earns a better angle because they arrived early and it isn’t a severe penalty because you can’t afford great seats.

But all of this is an afterthought once the music began. Following that big-bang drop of “Father Stretch My Hands, Pt. 1”—hearing “If young Metro, don’t trust you…” then Kid Cudi crooning can only be described as spiritual—church was in session. Kanye claimed Life of Pablo was “a gospel album with a whole lot of cursing on it,” but outside some obvious standouts like “Ultralight Beam,” “Pt. 1,” and “Waves,” it was initially difficult to agree. Where were the choirs and the organs? Where was the message?

Yet with more spins—and seeing these songs performed live—that proclamation crystallized. Darkness permeates the record because Kanye’s in a crisis of faith. As brash as his ego seems, these songs come from a man on the cusp of turning 40, staring into the void, and still not sure what he’s doing. He’s a bit confessional—“FML,” “Wolves”—but mostly reacts by turning up more. He refuses to break down. Damn what he’s supposed to do or be.

Photo by Brendan Bures
Photo by Brendan Bures

 

Though the schizophrenic nature of the record turns off some fans, the overwhelming pressure he endures, and the existential fear Kanye has is poorly hidden—but that’s why the kids love him. Of course they relate to that level of insecurity. When Ye played those new songs, the arena thumped. But when he ran back some earlier hits like “Touch the Sky” and “Jesus Walks,” the energy evaporated. My eyes popped out my face watching kids just a few years younger than me rap every word to Kanye’s “That Part” verse, then appear clueless when “Flashing Lights” played. Part of that’s the evolution of Kanye’s sound—your body literally vibrates from the bass of those new records—but it’s also what appeals to the newer generation.

During the show, Kanye would often lean over the platform edge and perform to a specific group in the mosh pit. Not that surprising. But once, as “Heartless” played, a majority of the pit was lit up, with a smaller bit cast in a reddish glow that Ye honed in on. The kids in the light didn’t care. They turned inward, facing one another, rapping the words, performing for the crowd. Call me corny, but it was kind of magical: Kanye shined his light on them, empowering them to be the stars they always wanted to be.

When describing Kanye’s previous Yeezus tour to friends, I inevitably landed on the word “theater.” Kanye underwent costume changes, a cast made on-stage appearances, the set-design included a damn mountain. The Saint Pablo concert wasn’t that; it was church. Kanye wasn’t the religion’s God, though. More like the church’s leading pastor, rapping its scriptures and singing its hymns.

Throughout the night, audience members raised one hand high, with their other over their heart. A response to the sermon. You couldn’t hear what was on their lips over the music, but their expressions delivered the message: their prayers were heard. Not answered but at least heard. For that, their joy rang unanimous. Their spirits were renewed. Praise Yeezus.

Medical Cannabis Research: Where It Is and Where It’s Going

Richard Faulk
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Medical Cannabis Research: Where It Is and Where It’s Going

Here at The Fresh Toast, we do our best to keep on top on the new and rapidly changing field of medical cannabis. But we know it’s useful sometimes to take a pause, pull back, and see how it all fits together.

If you want a fair-minded, concise, and accurate overview of medical cannabis research, then you could do much worse than to spend an afternoon or two searching these archives. But if you want your info in one big chunk and without sassy talk or cutesy video links, then you’ve come to the right post. (Except for that one video link.)

Here are two recommended overviews of medical cannabis research which roughly represent the poles of reasonable scientific debate.

Representing “The Man”: The American Medical Association

Last year, to great fanfare, the Journal of the American Medical Association published its own comprehensive and rigorous investigation into medical cannabis. Out of 23,754 hits, a mere 79 studies could meet the review’s criteria. And even among those, only 4 were judged at “low risk of bias.” It’s safe to say that the authors erred on the side of caution.

The conclusions were similarly timid. According to JAMA, the only supported medical uses of cannabis are for pain relief and spasm treatment (“moderate-quality evidence) and a small grab bag of other purposes, mostly connected to the side effects of AIDS or chemotherapy (“low-quality evidence).

But the results aren’t really what matter: There have simply been too few clinical trials to prove much of anything. What’s of more value is the report’s analysis of the data. In more cases than not, the authors conclude that more research is justified.

That might not be a sufficiently vigorous endorsement for some of you. But it’s JAMA. Their job is not to be seduced by the next big thing and to protect patients from poisoning and other malpractice at the hands of their doctors, even if that means having to wait on promising new treatments.

If you want to argue the virtues of medical marijuana legislation with your family over the dinner table (seriously, don’t; but if you must), then this is the data set you want to use.

Representing Team Cannabis: Barry University, Florida

If, on the other hand, you want to dream about the green and skunky medical revolution that’s smoldering on the horizon: This review is the one you want.

It was published earlier this year in the not-so-reassuringly named Journal of Experimental and Integrated Medicine. Although it’s clear whose colors they wear, the researchers present a fair view of the contested territory. If they occasionally champion the fringier side of the debate (and they do), they never endorse outright voodoo (with apologies to those of you who endorse actual vodou).

Concluding that the medical benefits of cannabis are “virtually undeniable,” it calls on the federal government to legalize the drug and increase research funding. Fat chance for the present; but we can dream.

 

Just How Dark Is Your Gothy Soul?

Maccabee Montandon
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Just How Dark Is Your Gothy Soul?

[qzzr quiz=”249823″ width=”100%” height=”auto” redirect=”true” offset=”0″]

Bela Lugosi’s dead. But you’re not. So take this quiz!

Watch Hillary Clinton Take On Zach Galifianakis On “Between Two Ferns”

Sam Jones
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Watch Hillary Clinton Take On Zach Galifianakis On “Between Two Ferns”

Hillary Clinton’s had to endure a lot to prove she’s “likable,” despite being incredibly qualified and this country’s best chance at salvation from the burning ash pit that is the GOP. She’s been on SNL. She’s been on Broad City. She’s played with balloons for about five minutes longer than anyone should be forced to enjoy a balloon drop.

Photo via Giphy

And now, she’s been on Funny or Die’s deadpan interview spoof “Between Two Ferns” with Zach Galifianakis.

Clinton, whose intro description reads “Had Pneumonia,” fielded a handful of hard-hitters from host Galifianakis, on a wide swath of topics including, “How many words per minute did she type as Secretary? How does president Obama like his coffee? How would it feel to be the first ‘girl president?'”

For a younger generation, she’ll also be their first white president, Galifianakis deftly points out.

Previous guests of “Between Two Ferns” include President Barack Obama, Justin Bieber, Jennifer Aniston, Brad Pitt, and more. Obama was on in 2014, to take abuse from the host and promote the newly-launched federal healthcare exchange.

Just as she goes into her plan for the economy — making it work for everyone, not just those at the top of the heap —Galifianakis cuts to a word from a Tang-toned malignant mass in a suit.

“Are you down with TPP?” Galifianakis asks. “You’re supposed to say, ‘Yeah, you know me.'”

“Don’t tell me what to say,” she retorts. “Fine, lose,”Galifianakis mutters. “Country goes to shit.” An aside that sends fear up our spines.

 

Watch the full interview, here:

Atlanta Names $11-Million Drill In Honor Of Killer Mike

Taylor Berman
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Atlanta Names $11-Million Drill In Honor Of Killer Mike

Killer Mike has had an impressive 18 months. He seemingly recorded and toured non-stop with his indie rap group, Run the Jewels. He partnered with Bernie Sanders to promote the Vermont senator’s presidential campaign, which led to a series of high-profile TV appearances. But his most impressive accomplishment took place yesterday, when his hometown of Atlanta officially named a new $11.6 million, 400-foot-long tunnel-boring machine after the rapper.

“Driller Mike,” as the drill will be called, will be used to dig a five-mile tunnel to expand Atlanta’s underground water supply from three-day’s worth to thirty. The Associated Press reports the $300 million dollar project will connect the former Bellwood Quarry to the Chattahoochee River and Hemphill Water Treatment Plant, and is scheduled to be completed by the end of 2018.

The Grammy-winner, whose real name Michael Render, was chosen for the honor after he finished in the top spot of an online poll, beating out other Georgia-specific submissions like Scarlett and The Peach Beast.

“I laughed hysterically,” Killer Mike told the Associated Press yesterday. “It was the funniest thing in the world to me. I didn’t take it seriously, because I’m a rapper. Cities don’t associate themselves with rappers. But I’m a business owner, a dad, an active member of politics in Atlanta, so I was honestly honored that people in Atlanta saw fit to name something after me.”

Mike added that, as great as it is to have a big-ass, expensive drill named after himself, he hopes to eventually receive another recognition from the city.

“Before I die, I want a street named after me, maybe Michael Render Way,”he said. ”But this is a great midlife goal. This is truly an honor.”

https://www.instagram.com/p/BKoZV6VBr4T/

We here at the Fresh Toast would be remiss in not pointing out that in celebrating the drill-naming in his Instagram feed (see above), Mike gave a shout-out to “420.” Oh, happy day, indeed.

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