In a video that was apparently filmed last year but is just now going viral, Charlie the dog’s owners decided to familiarize him with the scent of his new (human) baby sister. It didn’t go exactly as planned.
“This is the baby’s stuff,” someone off camera says as a cautious Charlie approaches from behind a couch. “That’s Sadie. Sadie’s going to come home tomorrow.”
Charlie dutifully sniffed the hat, looked round, and then puked all over the place. Good dog.
America’s premier singing satirist is back. This morning, Weird Al Yankovic dropped a video for his new song, which was inspired by the last presidential debate: “Bad Hombres, Nasty Women.” The video and song is filled with the goofy fun you’ve come to expect from Weird Al.
The song includes lyrics like, “Can everyone achieve the American dream/or should they should they sign up for Ponzi scheme?” and “For the Supreme Court, who would you choose?/Just don’t say me/ I’m a very busy dude” in between AutoTuned clips of Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton talking during their final debate.
Yankovic also asks if the candidates would “thumb wrestle” Russian president Vladimir Putin to prevent a second Cold War. Watch the full video below.
This morning, a series of DDoS attacks disrupted access to a handful of the internet’s most popular websites, including Twitter, Reddit, Etsy, and GitHub. For those of us who depend on Twitter for our jobs (or for those of us who are merely addicted to it and the other sites), this induced an immediate panic. How will I find my morning news stories? How will I broadcast my stupid jokes or buy cutesy jewelry or comment on PreggoPorn or…do whatever it is people do on GitHub?
But following the panic was a feeling of serene hope that maybe the internet should go away forever. Sure, I’d be out of a job and my only marketable skill would be worthless, but think of how great it’d be just to be disconnected. What follows are five good things that would happen if the internet went away forever.
Yes, it’s technically possible to disconnect now, but only the insane or independently wealthy are fortunate enough to actually do so. As it is now, between email and Slack, your boss can reach you 24 hours a day, seven days a week. With Twitter, Facebook, Instagram, and Snapchat, you know exactly where your friends and colleagues are, what they’re eating, who they’re with, and what they’re thinking (and vice versa). Imagine being free of all of that? Having to rely on letters and phone calls and…face-to-face meetings over coffee or beer to find out what your friends or enemies have been up to. Heaven.
As great as it is to have instant access to nearly every album and movie, there’s no replacing the experience of going to a real, brick-and-mortar store run by people who actually know what they’re doing. Instead of Netflix’s shitty algorithm predicting your taste in movies, you could receive recommendations from a real life human with actual informed opinions (or at the very least, a distracted teen who could point you in the right direction, which is still better than iTunes).
Instead of every motherfucker jockeying to take the perfect photo of the band with their smartphone so they can post it on Instagram or Facebook, you’d only have to deal with maybe a few photographers from the press taking pictures while everyone else watched the concert without constant distraction. Imagine!
You don’t need to tweet every stupid thing that comes to mind, but that doesn’t stop millions of people from doing it every single second of every single day. Inevitably, some of those dumb thoughts get people in trouble, and even fired. Without the internet, we’d all be forced to keep our shitty thoughts to ourselves, or at least to the people within earshot.
I wouldn’t even have to be writing this.
Halloween is just around the corner, which means you’ll spend hours or days picking out your costume before going to a party where you’ll hopefully dance and drink—and perhaps smoke—a ton. Costumes, music, booze, and weed? That’s a recipe for a Hot Mess if we’ve ever heard one. If you’ve ever had an especially crazy Halloween night, we want to hear from you!
Did you once black out and wake up next to a woman dressed as Princess Kate in your bed? Did you wake up next to the real Princess Kate? Did you have to take a Walk of Shame in a ridiculous costume and run into someone you know? Did pictures of you dancing end up somewhere they shouldn’t? Let us know! We’ll keep you anonymous (unless, of course, you want your name attached to your wild tale, in which case, great!)
Email us the stories at: taylor@thefreshtoast.com.
Halloween isn’t just a holiday for getting dressed up in ridiculous costumes and partying with your friends. It’s also the best time of the year to hoard all kinds of candy that you can eat later after getting very, very high. But which kinds of candy are the best to consume while blazed? Let us tell you.
Twix are one of the best candy bars in any size but they truly excel in mini-form. Eat them however you like, obviously, but the correct, truly pro-move is to freeze them first. Mmm.
Yes, a lollipop is a slightly unorthodox candy to receive on Halloween but so what. Few things are better than working your way through a sugar-y rock-like candy to be rewarded with delicious bubble gum, even if it loses its flavor after five minutes. And since you wanted to know, the best Blow Pop flavors are
Just kidding. Candy corn is bad and belongs in the trash.
Be they plain or sour, gummi bears are one of the all time great foods to enjoy while high no matter what time of year it is. The only thing that makes them more enjoyable is when you’ve hoarded dozens of tiny packages you received (or stole…) for free on Halloween.
Hands down the best candy bar. What could be better than nougat, chocolate, caramel, and peanuts all in once place? Nothing. And much like their cousin-in-gooey-caramel Twix, Snickers are better in bite size form, and when frozen.
Yes, Swedish Fish are a relatively rare Halloween candy, but that makes them all the more special. Their flavor is so sweet it’s almost too much (emphasis on almost), like the world’s best gummi bears on steroids. They are so good, in fact, that you have to be careful while eating them when stoned, or else you might fall asleep with a mouthful like my friend Phil did once (he has a lot of cavities now).
Honorary Mentions: Krackel bars, Butterfingers, and Jolly Ranchers.
Take a good hard look. It’s nothing more than a fancy Pringle, right?
https://www.instagram.com/p/BLgYjEZDLwf
Not quite. It’s more of an investment. This, ladies and gentlemen, is the world’s most expensive chip!
At $10 each, they come in a five-pack box and sell for $56. (You could buy, like, a thousand cans of Pringles for that price).
https://www.instagram.com/p/BLavy18j8xL
This is all the brainchild of St. Erik‘s brewery in Sweden, which wanted only the finest quality bar snacks to pair with their equally fabulous beer. Specifically, their India Pale Ale.
https://www.instagram.com/p/BIrsULbDTta
According to Paper Magazine, other ingredients include matsutake mushrooms, Leksand onion, truffled seaweed, India Pale Ale wort, crown dill and Ammärnas-region almond potatoes — all rare in their own right.
https://www.instagram.com/p/BLxmtjPgxmK/
Say what you will about the pretense of all of this. the chips sold out almost as soon as they were released, and St. Erik’s only made 100 boxes, so this is not a stupid idea by a long shot. Either that, or it’s proof that people will buy anything when they’ve been drinking.
Consume is an essential source for food and beverage news, trends, tips, original recipes and everything in between. Want to read more? Try these posts: 11 Annoying Things About Menus, How Cannabis Sommeliers Are Making Dinner Parties Way More Fun, and 5 Scary Things To Make With Leftover Halloween Candy.
Traveling in our luxe RV from state to state allows us to sample the best this great nation has to offer. This week, we sojourned to Walla Walla, famous for its world-class wine, sweet onions and a new crop: marijuana!
Walla Walla is a perfect destination for those who like the finer things in life without the hustle and bustle of a big city. It is equidistant from Portland, Oregon; Boise, Idaho and Seattle. And the scenery here is to die for.
At a wine-tasting event at one of Tiffany’s favorite wineries (the Pinot Noir in this region is highly recommended!), we bumped into Jenny, a budtender at the Walla Walla Cannabis Company.
She told us all about her store and its inviting atmosphere. The next day we visited the retail store and were happy to see Jenny behind the counter.
What impressed me most about Jenny was how knowledgeable she was about cannabis and how helpful she was. While we were perusing the store, we watched her help another shopper, a middle-aged man who said he hadn’t had marijuana since he was in his early 20s. Jenny took the time to explain the myriad of choices. The gentlemen left with a bagful of goodies … and knowledge about how safely consume the products.
This store truly focuses on educating its customers and guiding shoppers to find the right products. I was looking for some cannabis-infused chocolate and Tiffany was shopping for a vape pen.
Jenny was awesome. She asked about my experience with edibles and suggested a scrumptious chocolate bar. Tiffany brought home a sleek vape pen with a smooth, uplifting cartridge.
We returned to our RV, enjoyed our purchases and played cards for ours. And, of course, we slept like babies that night.
927 West Main Street
Walla Walla, WA 99362
(509) 876-4946
Hours:
Monday-Saturday: 10 am–10 pm
Sunday: 10 am–8 pm
As Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump battle for the collective soul of our (kind of) great nation, innocent bystanders have suffered a great many of casualties: Skittles, bad hombres, “nasty women,” Ken Bone, Tic Tacs, and our sanity.
War is long and heartbreaking, but not all should suffer from the many sideswipes this election has seen. During Wednesday night’s third and (thank god) final debate, we witnessed yet another bright soul fall victim to the war. Both Clinton and Trump fired salvos aimed at this target. They did so in such a derogatory manner you wonder if these candidates ever considered this causality a soul so very much alive.
We are gathered here today to celebrate the life of “puppets,” once so vibrant and beautiful, but now discarded and cold. In case you forgot the cause of death, we remind you now.
“No, you’re the puppet,” Trump said, so casually, like “puppets” never lived at all. It breaks your heart, really. Please, scroll down and remember how great puppets have been, how they pulled strings for you that you never thought were possible. We miss you already, puppets.
When J.K. Rowling wrote the generation-defining Harry Potter series, we thought she created a world bequeathed from her imagination. But then we learned the truth: She’d discovered these puppets. Though she fictionalized their lives—and continues to do so despite all of us wishing she’d just stop already—this was how their story began. As puppets.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=U1mlCPMYtPk
Throughout the history of our country, many wars have been waged like the one we find ourselves in now. Typically, we imagined those wars having been fought with armies and navies and aircraft, but some time ago it was revealed what our secret weapon really was: puppets. Yes, puppets have saved this country’s freedoms more than we care to admit. To think we so carelessly cast off their lives now.
Through major university studies, we have deduced a searing truth: Without puppets, our kids would be fucking dumb. Thank you, Elmo and the rest of the Sesame Street gang, about a great so many of things.
Fun fact: The Internet would be approximately 5,000 times less fun and more trash if it weren’t for Kermit. Would memes cease to exist? Would everything just be Crying Jordan Face and Shaking Arthur Fist? Perhaps. So thank god for Kermit, a puppet.
Puppets made an average comedian funny!
Puppets tied together a high-concept movie about the frailty and illusory control we maintain over our own lives and made simple the way other people “take over” our lives and pull our strings and provided laughter in an otherwise loopty-loo story.
Thank you, puppets, for shining so bright. We will not let this darkness overtake you.
The most essential news, culture, entertainment, pop culture, and culture coverage that you need to know. Interested in more? Check out these stories: “Norway’s Prime Minster Is Really Into Pokemon Go and Gaming,” “Ken Bone’s ‘Journal’: A Fresh Toast Exclusive,” “Study: Annoying Ducks Who Loved To Honk Probably Woke Up The Dinosaurs Every Morning.”
The Stunt Queen of pizza delivery is at it again. But instead of pizza box turntables, Pizza Hut has come out with a temporary tattoo that’s preprogrammed with your location and favorite pizza. All you have to do is scan the tattoo and pick up your order at the nearest Pizza Hut or have it delivered to your home.
The catch? Pizza Hut will be giving away just 40 of these tattoos, by way of social media.
As reddit user awilder27 so eloquently puts it:
What a world when you can order grilled cheese stuffed crust directly from the fat on your arm where it will end up.
This is indeed a sticky time for fast-food giants, like Pizza Hut. In fact, while sales are dwindling for just about everyone, Domino’s is the only chain reporting “better than expected” earnings, which increased a whopping 13-percent last quarter from the year prior.
Domino’s CFO, Jeffrey Lawrence, says the company’s year-old loyalty program “significantly” increased orders.
And last year, the chain trotted out a “tweet to order” system that lets users place an order by tweeting a pizza emoji to Domino’s. (Not ideal for new customers).
Pizza Hut came up with this new promotion by combining two of the UK’s most popular past-times: eating pizza and getting tattoos. If you need a visual, here’s how it all works:
Consume is an essential source for food and beverage news, trends, tips, original recipes and everything in between. Want to read more? Try these posts: 11 Annoying Things About Menus, How Cannabis Sommeliers Are Making Dinner Parties Way More Fun, and Trump Or Clinton: Which Candidate Do You Eat Like?.
North Korea is a land of great mystery, extremely limited internet, and awful human rights abuses. It is also apparently a place where chimpanzees chainsmoke in zoos.
The Guardian reports that officials at the Central Zoo in Pynongyang say Azalea, a 19-year-old chimpanzee, smokes up to a pack of cigarettes every day. She can light them on her own with a lighter or matches, and can be seen in videos puffing away. But don’t worry too much: Officials also say she doesn’t inhale. In addition to smoking, the Associated Press reports that Azalea, or Dallae as she’s called in Korean, knows how to bow, touch her know, and do basic dances.
Azalea the smoking chimp is just one of the zoo’s popular attractions. Thousands of daily visitors also reportedly visit the dog pavilion, which is filled with various breeds of dogs. But most impressive—and perhaps cruel—is a monkey that can reportedly dunk a basketball and dogs smart enough to solve basic math equations on an abacus.
North Korea's Pyongyang Zoo has a new star: The smoking chimpanzee. The zoo insists she doesn't inhale. https://t.co/ZQzsHk4Pt6 pic.twitter.com/n6BB2NEmom
— ABC News (@ABC) October 20, 2016
To be honest, it sounds like a great zoo, aside from the probable animal abuse and the dictatorship and everything else.
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