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Visualize The News: Brangelina, New Yorkers Rule, Skittles Edition

Brendan Bures
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Visualize The News: Brangelina, New Yorkers Rule, Skittles Edition

Within our hyper-accelerated news culture, it can be tough to keep up with everything. But maintaining an informed populace remains vital to our culture. So for those stories that don’t quite need your undivided attention, we’re helping you digest stuff with GIFS, pics, and whatever qualifies as a quick fix. Remember: Knowing is half the battle. The other half: Laughing at funny memes.

Brangelina: Ange Files For Divorce

TMZ devastated households who still believe in love Tuesday with an unsettling announcement: Angelina Jolie has filed for divorce from Brad Pitt. For many, the news comes as a shocker. Thankfully we have our special Brangelina news correspondent to help sift through the news.

Jen?

jen
via Giphy

Thanks for being with us today, Jen. We couldn’t think of anyone more adept to explain the complications of such an event. Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie, done. Brangelina, we’ll never again see ya. When you first heard the news, what was your initial reaction?

jen-2
via Giphy

Wow. We didn’t realize how personal this story was for you. With your previous relationship to Brad, I’m sure you can imagine what he must be going through. What might you say to him now?

jen-3
via Giphy

Thank you for being so brave with us. We promise not to ask many more questions. Just a few more, please. Has either of the pair reached out to you? No? Well if they did, how might you respond?

jen-4
via Giphy

Excuse me, just a moment viewers…can someone get me a damn tissue!? This woman is spilling her soul on live internet. Please show the tiniest modicum of damn respect. You still there, Jen? Finally could you briefly sum up your overall feelings on Brangelina’s split?

jen-5
via Giphy

Okay, Jen. We have to go. Thank you again for your earnest bravery. Please remain strong in these difficult times.

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via Giphy

Weekend Terror: New Yorkers DGAF

On Saturday night, a bomb went off in New York at 23rd St. and 6th Ave. Most of the time, a dumpster fire would be nothing to make headlines, but this one followed several improvised explosives found in Elizabeth, Jersey and a series of stabbings in Minnesota. It’s not something to take lightly: 29 people were injured, and the incident was probably definitely connected to homegrown terrorism — although it’s not clear yet how exactly all of the pieces fit together. Surveillance footage shows the moment when the bomb went off and people nearby decided it was time to haul ass right outta there:

Cable media painted this as a Terror Level Burnt Sienna Bloodlust, but if there’s one true thing we’ve learned through this ordeal, it this: New Yorkers remain the steel-nerved, snarky breed of humanity that they’ve always been.

The most irritating thing about the whole ordeal was that it put 23rd street station out of service and blocked streets.

https://twitter.com/BastardKeith/status/777383745091407872?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw

via Giphy
via Giphy

Eyewitness reports told harrowing accounts of just wanting to get to the deli before they run out of salami:

https://twitter.com/JimMcCarthy528/status/777321043170062336?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw

We’d rather step over a live IED than miss out on a dollar slice on a Saturday night.

GIF via Giphy
via Giphy

We’re also the first to agree that Chelsea isn’t hip anymore, and the first to “well, actually” which neighborhood we’re talking about in the first place:

https://twitter.com/max_read/status/777338746324779008

There are a lot of things to be more afraid of in NYC than dumpsters exploding. Like a simultaneous Seamless and Netflix outage, or falling through one of those cellar grates.

The events continued to unfold over the weekend and Monday about another undetonated explosive device was found. But in the most buddy-comedy way, bag snatchers saw the unattended briefcase, took the bag, and left the bomb in the garbage, inadvertently disabling the bomb in the process. See something, steal something?

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via Giphy

Skittles controversy

Donald Trump Jr. tweeted the following out Monday evening.

A rep from Skittles responded with the following statement.

We went to the internet streets to see how the rest of the nation feels about Skittles. The response: Still overwhelmingly positive.

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The Roots Welcome Hillary Clinton To ‘The Tonight Show’ With ‘Mighty Healthy’ Cover

Taylor Berman
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The Roots Welcome Hillary Clinton To ‘The Tonight Show’ With ‘Mighty Healthy’ Cover

Jimmy Fallon had Donald Trump on The Tonight Show last week, and instead of skewering the tiny-handed candidate, the host mussed the serially-bankrupt tycoon’s absurd hair, making him seem more like a harmless grandpa than the dangerous orange blob he is. Mostly lost in the ensuing outrage was the small protest put on by The Roots, The Tonight Show’s in-house band.

As Trump walked on stage, the band played Erykah Badu’s “20 Feet Tall,” a reference to Trump’s terrifyingly stupid plan to build a wall on the U.S.-Mexico border. It’s not exactly a walk-out, or even the most scathing song they could’ve performed, but it at least sent a message—however subtle—that not everyone on the show was comfortable with Trump’s appearance.

The Roots also took a light jab at Trump’s former buddy and current foe, Hillary Clinton, during her Tonight Show appearance last night. As the former Secretary of State walked on stage, the band played Ghostface Killah’s “Mighty Healthy,” a clear nod to Clinton’s recent bout with pneumonia.

Even if you’re generous, neither song choice can really be seen as powerful statement against either candidate. But that’s not necessarily the band’s fault, considering what happened the last time they skewered a politician.

In 2011, then-congresswoman and presidential candidate Michele Bachmann appeared on Late Night With Jimmy Fallon. The Roots welcomed her with Fishbone’s “Lyin’ Ass Bitch,” which didn’t exactly sit well with the bigwigs at NBC. As punishment, band leader Questlove has since been forced to clear each walk-on song with three NBC executives before each show.

So, perhaps The Roots wanted to play a different song for Trump—or maybe Badu was their first choice. We may never know the truth. There is a lot about this campaign season that will likely remain mysterious for years to come.

Spotify And Tinder Team Up To Give Your Love Life An Anthem

Sam Jones
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Spotify And Tinder Team Up To Give Your Love Life An Anthem

As anyone who’s ever spent hours debating what song would auto-play on their Myspace page knows, music is powerful in how others perceive you.

Today, Tinder and Spotify announced a partnership that’ll let you add your favorite track, an “anthem,” to your dating profile. You’ll be able to proudly proclaim your burning passion for Frank Ocean, while dodging that dude who unironically loves Skankstral Ska Hotel. Maybe now your inbox will be filled with real conversation starters, like, “What do you think of goth-industrial queen Kim Gordon?”

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f49Z0ZPBaWA

“Music is a big aspect of how people meet,” Tinder CEO Sean Rad tells Business Insider. This line prompted some TFT staffers to want to respond: no sh*t! “You socialize around the music you love,” Rad went on. “It says a lot about your personality, what your interests are.” It’s like the internet version of locking eyes with someone at a concert.

What, exactly, is this “anthem?” you ask. Good question. From the Spotify press release:

It’s that one single track that tells your story. That one song you can’t get out of your head. Where the lyrics of your life meet the rhythm of your soul. It may change as you change, but at any given time, you have an anthem—and the world is waiting to hear it. Spotify is giving all Tinder users, with or without a Spotify account, the unique ability to add an Anthem to their profile.

I blame iTunes for most of my questionable college boyfriend choices, so this feels like a natural progression. If you’ve never felt a romance blooming while sitting on a ratty couch scrolling through your respective love of Bowie deep cuts, you haven’t known innocent, pointlessly shallow love. Spotify and Tinder seem to hope this feature goes deeper than that, and you can be sure they’re R&D-ing your musical taste and love connections while you’re jamming out.

Once you’ve established you both adore steamy 90’s music, turn up the volume on this sexytime playlist.

Jennifer Lawrence And Chris Pratt Make Space Super Sexy

TFT Editors
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Jennifer Lawrence And Chris Pratt Make Space Super Sexy

Two of Hollywood’s A-ist of the A-listers, leave Earth and fall in love—out there. What could go wrong?

Hot Mess: Share Your Craziest Stories With Us Right Now

TFT Editors
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Hot Mess: Share Your Craziest Stories With Us Right Now

Here at The Fresh Toast we publish all sorts of posts. We write about movies, food, music, celebrities, drinks, and—most importantly—cannabis. But we also have a section called Hot Mess, which is where we share weird crime news and insane, reader-submitted first-person essays. This is where you come in.

We’re constantly on the lookout for a new crazy story. Work as a first responder and deal with a breast-groping, taco meat-eating patient? Share a train with an absurdly drunk person and her boss? Have a future mother-in-law who couldn’t keep her hands off your brother’s junk? Let us know. If it’s a wild-enough story we’ll publish it. We will, of course, change any names or other information that could be used to identify yourself or anyone involved.

We’ll always have posts up about psychotic clowns or naked men humping trees in Florida, but we truly believe the best stories come from our readers. The only criteria is: Is this a story you couldn’t believe as it was happening and that you couldn’t wait to tell your friends? Do people ask you to retell it at parties? If so, shoot us an email at share@thefreshtoast.com, and share your best stories with the world. 

Tennessee’s Two Biggest Cities To Vote On Marijuana

Al Olson
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Tennessee’s Two Biggest Cities To Vote On Marijuana

Nashville has been called the “Buckle of the Bible Belt” and “The Protestant Vatican.” After Tuesday, it may be the Deep South’s Cannabis City. And Memphis — the so-called “Birthplace of Rock ‘n’ Roll” — may join the marijuana bandwagon next month.

Tennessee’s two largest cities are on the verge of decriminalizing marijuana. If citizens are caught carrying a half-ounce or less of marijuana, law enforcement officials have the discretion of giving them a $50 civil citation or community service.

Tuesday night, the Nashville Metropolitan Council will vote on the ordinance; the Memphis City Council will decide on Oct. 4.

Current Tennessee law states that any person with a half-ounce of marijuana or less could face up to one year in jail and a $2,500 fine. Just to add some context: A half-ounce of marijuana is about 20 joints. A year in jail for 20 joints? Yep, that is the current state law.

Proponents of both ordinances say that decriminalization of marijuana will allow police officers to focus on violent crime and will foster more trust for law enforcement.

The Tennessee chapter of the American Civil Liberties Union has put its support behind these proposed ordinances, stating that people of color are disproportionately arrested on possession charges.

The Center on Juvenile Justice and Criminal Reform conducted a study in 2014 and found that blacks were more likely to be arrested for marijuana offenses than all other races and ethnicities.

In a letter in support of the Memphis proposal, U.S. Rep. Steve Cohen (D-Memphis) wrote that it “would keep young people in the city, disproportionately African-Americans, from being subject to convictions that can affect their future or current employment and create a barrier to scholarship and housing opportunities.”

Not everyone is onboard. “We are trying to jump on a bandwagon and I’m not sure what music is being played,” said Police Director Mike Rallings last month.

And according to The Tennessean, a Republican lawmaker is threatening the two cities with statewide sanctions.

State Rep. William Lamberth, R-Cottontown, said he is “strongly considering” filing a state bill next session that would penalize either city if it approves pending ordinances that seek to give people caught with small amounts of marijuana a chance to avoid a criminal record.

Lamberth, chairman of the House Criminal Justice Committee, said his potential bill would seek to halt state highway funds from cities that do not enforce criminal penalties outlined in state law. Funding would continue again if a violating city overturns their policy. This past year, the state set aside $129.1 million in highway funds for Shelby County and $119.5 million for Davidson County.

 

A Daily Horoscope For Everyone, Because Your Zodiac Sign Is Not Changing

Brendan Bures
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A Daily Horoscope For Everyone, Because Your Zodiac Sign Is Not Changing

A big change may be approaching your horizon. You could see the migratory arrow formation of birds across your skies. It will come as the most uncommon of missives these days: fake viral news.

The headline will read: “So your star sign is actually wrong.” You will doubt if this horoscope you are currently reading even counts. You, too, upon skimming the article will blame NASA for ruining your life. The chaos will feel like it’s all around you, a sinking mud pit. All because no one ever told you there’s a 13th zodiac sign.

This confusion will threaten your very sanity, dredging up questions like: Has my whole life been a lie? And: Did my parents ever love me? For what purpose does your puny existence serve if you can’t even trust the horoscopes that secretly gave you the confidence to leave that waitress your phone number? “You will encounter an opportunity at love this day. Don’t waste it,” the horoscope read—and even though she never responded, nor did any of the other 47 waitresses you left numbers for that very expensive, gluttonous day—it gave you the one thing you cling to on these darkest of days: hope.

Your core will be shook. As shook as a defender on an Allen Iverson crossover, that’s how shook you will feel. Pants around your ankles, laying on your back, begging for a timeout, so you can properly cry on the bench. In other words, the shookest of shooks.

With this smallest of information, this 13th zodiac sign, this new member of the family will feel like it changed everything. And indeed, others will tell you it has. A list below will generate across sites like a plague and you will read it and wonder what in the hell an Ophiuchus is.

Capricorn: January 20 – February 16
Aquarius: February 16 – March 11
Pisces: March 11 – April 18
Aries: April 18 – May 13
Taurus: May 13 – June 21
Gemini: June 21 – July 20
Cancer: July 20 – August 10
Leo: August 10 – September 16
Virgo: September 16 – October 30
Libra: October 30 – November 23
Scorpio: November 23 – November 29
Ophiuchus: November 29 – December 17
Sagittarius: December 17 – January 20

Although this new sign Ophiuchus stands for characteristics people says they love on the internet—unity, diversity—they will lash out because it represents the greatest evil of all: change.

Light will come, though. It will take a light news day—the distance truthiness travels in approximately one news cycle—but its salvation will cause you to rejoice. And it will come with a bold, but declarative statement: “NASA studies astronomy, not astrology.”

You will learn through your sleuth investigation that someone read an educational astronomy page for kids and lost their shit/thought they’d create bold content. And someone will tell you the 13th zodiac sign was always there, just ancient Babylonians wanted 12 to match their 12-lunar month Babylonian calendar. You will even read what NASA spokesperson Dwayne Brown told Gizmodo and you will laugh: “We didn’t change any Zodiac signs, we just did the math.”

All will return to its natural state. No bird formations will cloud your skies. At least, not yet.

Werner Herzog’s Hot Take of The Day: Building Big Things

Taylor Berman
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Werner Herzog’s Hot Take of The Day: Building Big Things

Acclaimed filmmaker Werner Herzog is best known for his obsessions with the monumental issues of human existence: technology, art, beauty, death, the unforgiving brutality of nature, and the exploration of the unknown. But he also considers—and complains about—the banality of everyday life and the minutia of current events. Here is the German artist’s take on how good he is at building big things:

Yes, the pyramids have been built, but if you give me 300,000 disciplined men and give me 30 years, I could build a bigger one.

This has been Werner Herzog’s Hot Take of the Day.

 

We Don’t Feel Bad About Forcing You To Watch This Cat Video

Maccabee Montandon
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We Don’t Feel Bad About Forcing You To Watch This Cat Video

There is probably a world in which the Daily Delight section of The Fresh Toast is just wall to furry wall cat videos.  But that’s not the world we want to live in. Just kidding—that’s exactly the world we want to live in. In the interest of offering diverse things for your eyeballs and ear drums to enjoy, however, we like to give you non-cat-related posts, as well. See here and here for examples.

But then comes along a cat video so transcendently delightful, that we have no choice but to pass it along to you, our delightful readers. Such is the case with this:

As one TFT editor put it: “80s + cat = gold.” And yes, there is that. (Oh, and speaking of the 80s—Rick Astley has a new record out now.) But the greater service we offer with this video today—and the greater mission of Daily Delight, even—is to offer pure mirth in a crazy, sometimes dangerous world. It was a rough weekend, as you may have heard. This Monday could really use a hefty dose of ironic pop. With cat. Enjoy.

“Mad Max” Series Goes Prequel, Will Focus On Charlize Theron’s Furiosa

Brendan Bures
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“Mad Max” Series Goes Prequel, Will Focus On Charlize Theron’s Furiosa

When I think of Mad Max: Fury Road, my first thought isn’t the death-defying stunts, or Tom Hardy’s muteness, or that one flame-throwing guitar Slash wannabe. It’s always Charlize Theron’s eyes. Lightning-blue amidst that black sludge filling her face. The whole movie is in her eyes: determined, rebellious, agitated by their surroundings. They communicate everything you need to know.

They’re so gravitating that if you knew nothing heading into the film—the title, the series’ history, Hollywood’s patriarchy—you just assume Theron’s Furiosa is the main character of the film. But the series is called Mad Max so the movie must care about Hardy’s Max when all you want to do is spend more time with Theron and those eyes.

Now, it looks like we might get that chance. According to the Herald Sun, director George Miller has begun pre-production on a Mad Max prequel, which will apparently focus on the backstory of Furiosa. The movie will film in and around Australia’s Broken Hills, which might be the perfect set location name for a Mad Max movie if I’ve ever heard one.

The film has a working title of Mad Max: The Wasteland, which is pretty much perfect for a post-apocalyptic thriller with maniacs driving souped-up go-karts. Though another part of me does worry hearing “backstory of Furiosa” and it turning into some talkie twee movie concerned with qualities that aren’t big wheels, explosions, badass apocalyptic gear, and, again, Charlize Theron’s eyes.

But that’s just anxious speculation. If it’s a George Miller-assisted screenplay, like the previous four Mad Max installments, then we can be sure dialogue won’t bloat the film. Quick question: What’s the most memorable line from Fury Road for you? Personally, it’s when Nicolas Hoult frenzies, almost as if he were experiencing a seizure, and screams, “What a day! What a lovely day!”

Which, if we’re keeping it 100, is pretty basic as far as memorable lines go. And that’s great! Keep it simple. Not to go all Cormac McCarthy, but it’s about The Road. It’s all that ever matters in these films, or most post-apocalyptic stories for that matter. When the world becomes a radioactive desert, where do we go?

I’m not sure. But I know one thing: Wherever Theron’s Furiosa’s going, I’m following.

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