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7 Christmas Tree Alternatives That Will Make The Holiday Weird

TFT Editors
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7 Christmas Tree Alternatives That Will Make The Holiday Weird

Most of us can agree that Christmas trees are great. There’s the piney smell, the strong association with family and time off from work, and, of course, the joy of decorating them.

But for many of us, buying a real tree each year presents problems. Perhaps we feel strongly about the perceived environmental damage, or we don’t have the room in our tiny NYC apartments, or we simply don’t want to go through the trouble when we’ll be spending the actual holiday elsewhere. Whatever the reason for owning one, fake Christmas trees are a nice alternative to the real items. But once you get outside the realm of real plants, you can find some very weird options for Christmas tree alternatives. Let’s explore some of the strangest.

Christmas Llama

Llama Sleigh Ride Christmas Ornament – DELIGHTFUL!

Buy Llama Sleigh Ride Christmas Ornament – DELIGHTFUL!: Ornaments – Amazon.com ✓ FREE DELIVERY possible on eligible purchases

One of our staff members picked a Christmas Llama as her tree alternative this year. While we remain unclear what exactly a Christmas Llama is, we admire the name it was given: Floopington Reginald III.

Trashcan Wrapped in Christmas Lights

Almost everyone already has a trashcan*. Why not add some red and green decorative flair to it to turn it into a Christmas tree substitution? We can’t think of a good reason why not, aside for possible sanitary reasons.

*I don’t, but that’s a long story.

Holiday Wreath Tied to Drone Flying Around Your Living Room

If you feel traditional Christmas decorations aren’t modern enough, this one is for you. Simply tie your decorated wreath to the drone and fly that sucker around your house whenever you have company. Important to note that The Fresh Toast is not liable for injuries that result from such a decoration.

Kid’s Drawing of Christmas Tree

Photo by Flickr user Thomas Widmann

Why bother with a real tree when you can have a child draw one? Sure, it won’t look very much like a real tree, but it’ll probably be funny.

Attach Decorations To Your Cat

Photo by Flickr user Pete

A rude idea, sure, but it’ll probably be a big hit with everyone except for your cat. Just please put a holiday sweater on your cat first, and then attach the decorations to the sweater (as opposed to its fur).

Paint Your Menorah Red and Green

Get you a holiday decoration that can do both.

Hire a Santa Claus Impersonator To Stand Very Still in the Corner of Your Living Room

Photo by Flickr user Kelly Sue DeConnick

This is the priciest and creepiest option, but it’s also perhaps the most festive one? Just imagine: Your own private Santa, standing very still in the corner of your living room for the four weeks between Thanksgiving and Christmas.

If you have other ideas for a great Christmas tree alternative, please let us know at taylor@thefreshtoast.com.

Chance the Rapper and Jeremih Share Christmas Joy With ‘Merry Christmas Lil’ Mama’

Brendan Bures
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Chance the Rapper and Jeremih Share Christmas Joy With ‘Merry Christmas Lil’ Mama’

You can always hear how big Chance smiles when he raps. It’s that way you can “hear” an expression over the phone, but through Chance’s crackling falsetto, there is purity to his emotion. His joy, both nostalgic and youthful, overwhelms.

Chance the Rapper and fellow Chicago rapper/singer Jeremih delivered joy to the world at midnight, when they released a joint special holiday-themed mixtape called Merry Christmas Lil’ Mama. In its range of exuberance, playful taunting, and holiday melancholy, it will have you smiling just like Chance. And that’s before Hannibal Burress or NoName show up.

Though recorded in just over two weeks (!!), Chicagoans Chance and Jeremih fuse with undeniable chemistry, crafting a project more cohesive and intentional than many joint projects from your favorite rappers ([eyes emoji] Drake and Future; R. Kelly and Jay Z).  The pair teased their energetic potential with records like “Somewhere in Paradise” and the “Planes (Social Experiment Remix),” but here it explodes gloriously with glee.

https://soundcloud.com/paaty13/planes-remix-feat-chance-the-rapper-the-social-experiment-lido

Hearing Jeremih in this jingle-belled setting is refreshing. While an earned reputation of club bangers and clap-backed anthems precede him, this Jeremih sings tenderly, almost more freely. He steals the iconic melody from baby Michael Jackson’s “I Want You Back” on the hook of “Stranger At The Table,” and inflects just enough winking falsetto verve to make the reference his own, instead of cheap. More like Jeremih was singing to his baby by the fire, singing his words, but in a language she’d instantly recognize. The holiday step anthem “I’m Your Santa” has Jeremih crooning sweet soul nothings into ears, his voice swaying you into bopping along.

But the real spirit of the project hails from Chance. Not only was it released through his SoundCloud and bears his trademark lettering and coloring in its cover art, but it’s straightforwardly earnest with its theme and choices in that relatable Chance manner. Chuckling while stunting on “I Shoulda Left You” and the pensive sorrow of “The Tragedy,” a tale of a man who didn’t choose rapturous love when he could, and is now all alone.

It all reminds me of my favorite Chance records: SoundCloud Chance. They aren’t really made for mass consumption. No larger design exists within their creation. They are more honest and heartfelt, remarks on a fleeting moment within Chance’s life. Predating Coloring Book and Surf, Chance and Social Experiment members released more than a dozen of SoundCloud loosies. Tracks like “No Better Blues” and “Lady Friend” that carry a melancholic specificity in their details, therefore imbuing a level of richness and furthering a relationship with listeners.

But Chance’s journey ended up happy, or at least, he seems to have found solace within himself as demonstrated on Coloring Book. This new mixtape Merry Christmas Lil’ Mama furthers that mentality, relaying a Chicago kid who had a (albeit small) thing to say. So he gathered his friends, and said that thing. This was strictly, as they say, for the fans.

Christmas time withholds a range of emotions not often discussed except in that corporate aren’t-we-freakin’-happy, whitewashed way. But Chance and Jeremih have the range: it’s joyous, it’s tragic, it’s nostalgic, and it’s about family, however you choose to decide that definition. For them, it includes all y’all lil’ mamas.

 

The most essential daily news, entertainment, pop culture, and culture coverage. Want more? Check out “A Study Of 2016: The Year America’s Pop Stars Went Weird,” “Southwest Pilot Congratulates Passengers For Drinking Every Last Drop Of Booze On Board,” and “13 Christmas Hip-Hop Songs You Need For The Holidays

SWEET QUIZ: What’s Your Ho Ho Holiday Candy IQ?

Jillian Peterson
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SWEET QUIZ: What’s Your Ho Ho Holiday Candy IQ?

That old-timey Christmas candy your grandma has in a bowl this time of year is a lot like us: not always the most pleasant thing to have around during the holidays. But, you know what? That same candy (that may or may not be around legal drinking age) has a pretty interesting history. The origin of most of traditional candies is worth retelling, because this was back in the day before automation; things were hand-made, hand-spun and hand-packaged. They don’t make them like that anymore. Can you name these traditional holiday sweets from their meager beginnings? It’s a history lesson that may actually make these treats taste better. Okay, maybe not.

[qzzr quiz=”314557″ width=”100%” height=”auto” redirect=”true” offset=”0″]

 

 

WTF? Insane Scoutmaster Eats 23 Ghost Peppers, Immediately Regrets It

Jillian Peterson
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WTF? Insane Scoutmaster Eats 23 Ghost Peppers, Immediately Regrets It

Kids, don’t try this at home.

An assistant scoutmaster in Texas — who lost his damn mind —  ate nearly two dozen ghost peppers in order to raise money for his troop, #137. That’s right. In order to bring attention to the fact that the troop “desperately needs scholarship money,” Johnny nearly killed himself. There’s got to be a better way, dude. Like, have you ever heard of GoFundMe?

The most disturbing part of this video is scout master Gayne, who informs the audience of Johnny’s condition an entire 20 hours after his near death experience. And it doesn’t sound very good. Poor dumb Johnny was still in bed with really bad stomach pains. And not long after eating the peppers, he was “sick at both ends and there was quite a bit of blood.” Either this was the stupidest stunt Troop 137 has ever pulled, or it’s an elaborate ploy to get the boy scouts to learn some MacGyver-like ER techniques.

From the looks of Johnny’s YouTube channel, he has an affinity for spicy things, particularly ghost peppers. In one video, he eats some ghost pepper dusted chips that he tops with a generous pour of Black Mamba Extreme Hot Sauce. How long before we see a video asking for donations to help pay for Johnny’s medical bills?

Watch A Teacher’s Emotional Reaction After His Students Gave Him Sneakers For Christmas

Taylor Berman
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Watch A Teacher’s Emotional Reaction After His Students Gave Him Sneakers For Christmas

Taylor Kerby is a beloved psychology teacher at Edgewood High School in West Covina, California. So beloved, in fact, that all of the students in one of his classes chipped into buy him a pair of red Vans sneakers, the same shoes Kerby had complimented a student for wearing earlier in the school year.

https://twitter.com/itsdeeyanee/status/811005564276785152?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw

Dyani Heredia, the 17-year-old student who tweeted the video above, told BuzzFeed News that after complimenting the student’s shoes, Kerby said he was unlikely to buy a pair for himself. That gave Heredia and other students the idea to buy him the shoes as a gift.

It took the class about two weeks to raise the cash for the shoes. “There were about 25 of us and we pitched in $2 each,” Heredia told BuzzFeed. As you can see form the video above, the end result was clearly worth it.

“Oh my gosh,” Kerby says in the video. “They’re red Vans! You guys this is so sweet. I love them!…I’m like the coolest kid on the block right now.”

“So this is why you asked for my shoe size,” he says later. “I was weirded out! But this is so nice!”

NSFW: Sexy Women Holding Sexier Carp Calendar Will Save 2017

Brendan Bures
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NSFW: Sexy Women Holding Sexier Carp Calendar Will Save 2017

In another edition of “How Is This A Thing?” we now introduce you to this German Carponizer calendar. It features the world’s favorite calendar for monthly image choice: naked, sexy carp.

This monthly tracker displays 12 very scantily clad, very steaming carp in different shapes and sizes. Maybe you thought a fish was just a fish—but you would be mistaken, good sir or madam. Fish deserve your reverence and what better way to celebrate the fine fish of our world than with this German calendar?

Via Google Translate:

The erotic Carponizer Carp Calendar 2017 is definitely one of the most extraordinary ideas to present this magnificent fish in an attractive setting. Carponizer has also succeeded this year, every month of the year with courage to create the extraordinary. Twelve magnificent carp will be presented in 2017 with no less attractive women according to the theme.

Oh yeah, if you’re interested in that sort of thing, some gorgeous women are also included in the pictures. But wait there’s more:

The calendar is a real “must have” for every passionate angler and fish lover. The erotic moments are set aesthetically and artistically in the carp calendar 2017 and give not only the angler tent a special charm. The individual motifs are just as perfect as a purposeful wall decoration. Whether you choose it yourself or as a tasteful gift: the Carponizer Carp Calendar 2017 does not just make men’s hearts beat faster.

Though I am a man, and seeing those carp does make my heart beat quickly, I can’t imagine how this isn’t the perfect gift for the carp lover in your life. Viewing those carp should give you daily inspiration that anything in this world is possible—even a silly ass German calendar full of fish.

 

The most essential daily news, entertainment, pop culture, and culture coverage. Want more? Check out “A Study Of 2016: The Year America’s Pop Stars Went Weird,” “Southwest Pilot Congratulates Passengers For Drinking Every Last Drop Of Booze On Board,” and “13 Christmas Hip-Hop Songs You Need For The Holidays”

Jediism Isn’t Recognized As A Religion — But You Can Still Be A Jedi

Sam Jones
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Jediism Isn’t Recognized As A Religion — But You Can Still Be A Jedi

Sorry everybody, it’s time to stop using your devout faith in Jediism for getting you out of work on May the 4th. And if you decided you’d spend your holiday charitable giving dollars on the good work of the Jedi Order, you might want to think again: the Charity Commission has ruled that the The Temple of the Jedi Order doesn’t qualify for charitable status in England and Wales.

The BBC reports that although the Jedi Order is the seventh most popular religion, with 177,000 people identifying as Jedi in the 2011 census, the religion doesn’t have the “cogency, cohesion, or seriousness” that would be required for a religion to be recognized.

The Temple of the Jedi Order — which has a rather bland website for a religion based on the greatest space opera of our time or any other, but perhaps fighting the Empire is more important than web design — defines Jediism as “the religion of those who regard their Jedi practice as a religious vocation. Jedi observe a metaphysical entity called the Force and often practise meditation. Jedi beliefs at this Temple are outlined by our Doctrine and developed through participation in our training programmes.”

Their doctrine is outlined in three tenets: Focus, knowledge, and wisdom. It states:

“Wisdom is the sound application of accrued knowledge and experience through patient, good judgment. Knowledge can be acquired by focusing on the task at hand. Focus is the art of pruning the irrelevant and pouring the best of your mind into what you are doing.”

Sounds pretty legit, but apparently not good enough for the Charity Commission.

If you’re feeling inspired, however, the TotJO has a major holiday coming up: December 25. The purpose of the day is “to honour the Temple and its founding.” You might not be able to make a tax-deductible donation to the Order, but you can still be a Jedi yourself. There are 16 Teachings and 21 Maxims involved in abiding by the faith, so get to studying, young Padawan.

Will This Be The Year Santa Finally Drowns In The Atlantic?

Taylor Berman
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Will This Be The Year Santa Finally Drowns In The Atlantic?

Every year, Santa Claus has to travel from east to west in order to account for time differences—Christmas begins earlier in, say, Germany than it does in Iowa—which means he’s always flying against the jet stream, adding delays to his already very long trip. But this year, Jolly Ol’ St. Nick will face additional problems because of the cold-ass winter weather we’re currently dealing with in the United States.

As Sky News reports, cold air moving through the southern U.S. has made the weather unseasonably challenging in the U.K., which could pose challenges for an overweight man being pulled through the sky by magical reindeer.

“A wet and windy Christmas weekend is on the cards,” Sky News weather presenter Nazaneen Ghaffar said. “In fact, most of this week there will be severe gales and spells of rain, particularly across the northwest of the UK and Ireland.”

Ghaffar added that wind gusts of up to 90 mph are expected off the coast of Scotland, with gusts of up to 60 mph possible through the rest of the U.K.

So will this be the year Santa fails to make it across the Atlantic? If so, what happens then? Will Christmas be canceled? These are all good questions. If you’re mumbling to yourself that all of this seems far-fetched, remember all the other insane and improbable things that have occurred this year. Santa drowning in the ocean because of high winds would barely crack the top 5 strangest things that took place in 2016.

Anyway, Merry Christmas and Happy Hanukkah!

What Did This Santa Lookalike Do To Get Kicked Out Of Six Flags?

Sam Jones
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What Did This Santa Lookalike Do To Get Kicked Out Of Six Flags?

Please be advised: Do not attempt to go to Six Flags if you happen to be the doppelganger of a very famous old man in a red hat.

No, not that one. The one that’s meant to spread joy and cheer around Christmastime. When Gary Henderson and his wife tried to spend a day at the amusement park, they were kicked out when children started approaching them to take photos, thinking he was Santa Claus.

Henderson swears it “ain’t a costume,” and that this is his look the other 364 days of the year, too. He says he just likes to make kids smile, and around Christmas, Old Saint Nick is on their minds.

He recounted the experience to World News Report: “[I] knelt down, put mу arms аrоund them, аnd afterward I reached іn mу wife’s walker, pulled оut twо candy canes, handed іt tо them.” Big mistake, buddy. When park staff noticed that he was handing candy out to children, they asked him to leave, citing their “No Costume” policy.

Henderson was indignant. “I said, ‘For whаt reason?’ Hе said, ‘You lооk tоо muсh lіkе Santa Claus.’ And I’m like, ‘Are уоu kidding me?’ I dо nоt approach kids. Thе parents соmе tо me.”

Six Flags had this statement to give about the incident:

“We apologize thаt Mr. Henderson wаѕ inconvenienced, but thе safety оf оur guests іѕ аlwауѕ оur highest priority. Wе саnnоt knowingly аllоw individuals whо аrе nоt approved bу thе park tо interact wіth small children іn thіѕ capacity. Mr Henderson wаѕ handing оut candy tо оur younger guests аnd wаѕ dressed uр аѕ Santa whісh іѕ іn violation оf оur Nо Costume policy. Whеn asked tо change hе refused аnd аt thаt point wаѕ asked tо leave.”

He is not having it. “Not fоr you, Sіx Flags, оr аnуbоdу else, аm I shaving mу beard off.”

[h/t World News Report]

@CelebsonSandwiches Will Be Your New Favorite Instagram Account

Brendan Bures
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@CelebsonSandwiches Will Be Your New Favorite Instagram Account

Pop culture loves its sandwiches. The sandwich, as an entity, is an American touchstone on par with football, film, and white-picket fences.

A quick jog of the memory reminds one of that time Larry David’s favorite shop named a sandwich after him on Curb Your Enthusiasm. In true Curb fashion, Larry David hated it and tried to pawn it off on Ted Danson. Or there’s the classic Seinfeld episode where George Costanza combined pastrami and sex. And who could forget when Ross’ boss ate his sandwich on Friends?

So perhaps it was inevitable someone would combine pop culture and sandwiches in a more direct way. If you’re like us, and love sandwiches and celebrities equally, then @CelebsonSandwiches is about to be your new favorite Instagram account.

https://www.instagram.com/p/BNNSQXcBYVQ/?taken-by=celebsonsandwiches

The man behind the account is Jeff McCarthy, a Los Angeles-based artist and director. McCarthy pairs a sandwich to a celebrity either based on an artist’s particular relationship with that sandwich, or what he thinks best represents each celebrity.

“The idea originally came to me, naturally, while eating a sandwich,” McCarthy explained to InStyle. “Our culture has a pretty serious love for celebrities and food, so pairing the two together just made sense. Instagram always felt like the perfect venue, so I posted the first painting and the series was born soon after.”

Each post is an original 8×10 watercolor painting that usually takes McCarthy anywhere from four to six hours to complete. Some of his favorites have included Notorious B.I.G., George Contanza, John Goodman, and Betty White. If one painting becomes your favorite, you can head over to Celebs on Sandwiches website where the originals are available for purchase.

Check out some of our personal standouts below.

https://www.instagram.com/p/BLEnGTRhqvf/?taken-by=celebsonsandwiches

https://www.instagram.com/p/BGuOJtgvQZa/?taken-by=celebsonsandwiches

https://www.instagram.com/p/BGC4JYVPQWC/?taken-by=celebsonsandwiches

https://www.instagram.com/p/BEtes3HPQZh/?taken-by=celebsonsandwiches

https://www.instagram.com/p/BETt4EwvQVZ/?taken-by=celebsonsandwiches

The most essential daily news, entertainment, pop culture, and culture coverage. Want more? Check out “A Study Of 2016: The Year America’s Pop Stars Went Weird,” “Southwest Pilot Congratulates Passengers For Drinking Every Last Drop Of Booze On Board,” and “13 Christmas Hip-Hop Songs You Need For The Holidays”

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