Two of Hollywood’s A-ist of the A-listers, leave Earth and fall in love—out there. What could go wrong?
Hot Mess: Share Your Craziest Stories With Us Right Now
Here at The Fresh Toast we publish all sorts of posts. We write about movies, food, music, celebrities, drinks, and—most importantly—cannabis. But we also have a section called Hot Mess, which is where we share weird crime news and insane, reader-submitted first-person essays. This is where you come in.
We’re constantly on the lookout for a new crazy story. Work as a first responder and deal with a breast-groping, taco meat-eating patient? Share a train with an absurdly drunk person and her boss? Have a future mother-in-law who couldn’t keep her hands off your brother’s junk? Let us know. If it’s a wild-enough story we’ll publish it. We will, of course, change any names or other information that could be used to identify yourself or anyone involved.
We’ll always have posts up about psychotic clowns or naked men humping trees in Florida, but we truly believe the best stories come from our readers. The only criteria is: Is this a story you couldn’t believe as it was happening and that you couldn’t wait to tell your friends? Do people ask you to retell it at parties? If so, shoot us an email at share@thefreshtoast.com, and share your best stories with the world.
Tennessee’s Two Biggest Cities To Vote On Marijuana
Nashville has been called the “Buckle of the Bible Belt” and “The Protestant Vatican.” After Tuesday, it may be the Deep South’s Cannabis City. And Memphis — the so-called “Birthplace of Rock ‘n’ Roll” — may join the marijuana bandwagon next month.
Tennessee’s two largest cities are on the verge of decriminalizing marijuana. If citizens are caught carrying a half-ounce or less of marijuana, law enforcement officials have the discretion of giving them a $50 civil citation or community service.
Tuesday night, the Nashville Metropolitan Council will vote on the ordinance; the Memphis City Council will decide on Oct. 4.
Current Tennessee law states that any person with a half-ounce of marijuana or less could face up to one year in jail and a $2,500 fine. Just to add some context: A half-ounce of marijuana is about 20 joints. A year in jail for 20 joints? Yep, that is the current state law.
Proponents of both ordinances say that decriminalization of marijuana will allow police officers to focus on violent crime and will foster more trust for law enforcement.
The Tennessee chapter of the American Civil Liberties Union has put its support behind these proposed ordinances, stating that people of color are disproportionately arrested on possession charges.
The Center on Juvenile Justice and Criminal Reform conducted a study in 2014 and found that blacks were more likely to be arrested for marijuana offenses than all other races and ethnicities.
In a letter in support of the Memphis proposal, U.S. Rep. Steve Cohen (D-Memphis) wrote that it “would keep young people in the city, disproportionately African-Americans, from being subject to convictions that can affect their future or current employment and create a barrier to scholarship and housing opportunities.”
Not everyone is onboard. “We are trying to jump on a bandwagon and I’m not sure what music is being played,” said Police Director Mike Rallings last month.
And according to The Tennessean, a Republican lawmaker is threatening the two cities with statewide sanctions.
State Rep. William Lamberth, R-Cottontown, said he is “strongly considering” filing a state bill next session that would penalize either city if it approves pending ordinances that seek to give people caught with small amounts of marijuana a chance to avoid a criminal record.
Lamberth, chairman of the House Criminal Justice Committee, said his potential bill would seek to halt state highway funds from cities that do not enforce criminal penalties outlined in state law. Funding would continue again if a violating city overturns their policy. This past year, the state set aside $129.1 million in highway funds for Shelby County and $119.5 million for Davidson County.
A Daily Horoscope For Everyone, Because Your Zodiac Sign Is Not Changing
A big change may be approaching your horizon. You could see the migratory arrow formation of birds across your skies. It will come as the most uncommon of missives these days: fake viral news.
The headline will read: “So your star sign is actually wrong.” You will doubt if this horoscope you are currently reading even counts. You, too, upon skimming the article will blame NASA for ruining your life. The chaos will feel like it’s all around you, a sinking mud pit. All because no one ever told you there’s a 13th zodiac sign.
This confusion will threaten your very sanity, dredging up questions like: Has my whole life been a lie? And: Did my parents ever love me? For what purpose does your puny existence serve if you can’t even trust the horoscopes that secretly gave you the confidence to leave that waitress your phone number? “You will encounter an opportunity at love this day. Don’t waste it,” the horoscope read—and even though she never responded, nor did any of the other 47 waitresses you left numbers for that very expensive, gluttonous day—it gave you the one thing you cling to on these darkest of days: hope.
Your core will be shook. As shook as a defender on an Allen Iverson crossover, that’s how shook you will feel. Pants around your ankles, laying on your back, begging for a timeout, so you can properly cry on the bench. In other words, the shookest of shooks.
With this smallest of information, this 13th zodiac sign, this new member of the family will feel like it changed everything. And indeed, others will tell you it has. A list below will generate across sites like a plague and you will read it and wonder what in the hell an Ophiuchus is.
Capricorn: January 20 – February 16
Aquarius: February 16 – March 11
Pisces: March 11 – April 18
Aries: April 18 – May 13
Taurus: May 13 – June 21
Gemini: June 21 – July 20
Cancer: July 20 – August 10
Leo: August 10 – September 16
Virgo: September 16 – October 30
Libra: October 30 – November 23
Scorpio: November 23 – November 29
Ophiuchus: November 29 – December 17
Sagittarius: December 17 – January 20
Although this new sign Ophiuchus stands for characteristics people says they love on the internet—unity, diversity—they will lash out because it represents the greatest evil of all: change.
Light will come, though. It will take a light news day—the distance truthiness travels in approximately one news cycle—but its salvation will cause you to rejoice. And it will come with a bold, but declarative statement: “NASA studies astronomy, not astrology.”
You will learn through your sleuth investigation that someone read an educational astronomy page for kids and lost their shit/thought they’d create bold content. And someone will tell you the 13th zodiac sign was always there, just ancient Babylonians wanted 12 to match their 12-lunar month Babylonian calendar. You will even read what NASA spokesperson Dwayne Brown told Gizmodo and you will laugh: “We didn’t change any Zodiac signs, we just did the math.”
All will return to its natural state. No bird formations will cloud your skies. At least, not yet.
Werner Herzog’s Hot Take of The Day: Building Big Things
Acclaimed filmmaker Werner Herzog is best known for his obsessions with the monumental issues of human existence: technology, art, beauty, death, the unforgiving brutality of nature, and the exploration of the unknown. But he also considers—and complains about—the banality of everyday life and the minutia of current events. Here is the German artist’s take on how good he is at building big things:
Yes, the pyramids have been built, but if you give me 300,000 disciplined men and give me 30 years, I could build a bigger one.
This has been Werner Herzog’s Hot Take of the Day.
We Don’t Feel Bad About Forcing You To Watch This Cat Video
There is probably a world in which the Daily Delight section of The Fresh Toast is just wall to furry wall cat videos. But that’s not the world we want to live in. Just kidding—that’s exactly the world we want to live in. In the interest of offering diverse things for your eyeballs and ear drums to enjoy, however, we like to give you non-cat-related posts, as well. See here and here for examples.
But then comes along a cat video so transcendently delightful, that we have no choice but to pass it along to you, our delightful readers. Such is the case with this:
As one TFT editor put it: “80s + cat = gold.” And yes, there is that. (Oh, and speaking of the 80s—Rick Astley has a new record out now.) But the greater service we offer with this video today—and the greater mission of Daily Delight, even—is to offer pure mirth in a crazy, sometimes dangerous world. It was a rough weekend, as you may have heard. This Monday could really use a hefty dose of ironic pop. With cat. Enjoy.
“Mad Max” Series Goes Prequel, Will Focus On Charlize Theron’s Furiosa
When I think of Mad Max: Fury Road, my first thought isn’t the death-defying stunts, or Tom Hardy’s muteness, or that one flame-throwing guitar Slash wannabe. It’s always Charlize Theron’s eyes. Lightning-blue amidst that black sludge filling her face. The whole movie is in her eyes: determined, rebellious, agitated by their surroundings. They communicate everything you need to know.
They’re so gravitating that if you knew nothing heading into the film—the title, the series’ history, Hollywood’s patriarchy—you just assume Theron’s Furiosa is the main character of the film. But the series is called Mad Max so the movie must care about Hardy’s Max when all you want to do is spend more time with Theron and those eyes.
Now, it looks like we might get that chance. According to the Herald Sun, director George Miller has begun pre-production on a Mad Max prequel, which will apparently focus on the backstory of Furiosa. The movie will film in and around Australia’s Broken Hills, which might be the perfect set location name for a Mad Max movie if I’ve ever heard one.
The film has a working title of Mad Max: The Wasteland, which is pretty much perfect for a post-apocalyptic thriller with maniacs driving souped-up go-karts. Though another part of me does worry hearing “backstory of Furiosa” and it turning into some talkie twee movie concerned with qualities that aren’t big wheels, explosions, badass apocalyptic gear, and, again, Charlize Theron’s eyes.
But that’s just anxious speculation. If it’s a George Miller-assisted screenplay, like the previous four Mad Max installments, then we can be sure dialogue won’t bloat the film. Quick question: What’s the most memorable line from Fury Road for you? Personally, it’s when Nicolas Hoult frenzies, almost as if he were experiencing a seizure, and screams, “What a day! What a lovely day!”
Which, if we’re keeping it 100, is pretty basic as far as memorable lines go. And that’s great! Keep it simple. Not to go all Cormac McCarthy, but it’s about The Road. It’s all that ever matters in these films, or most post-apocalyptic stories for that matter. When the world becomes a radioactive desert, where do we go?
I’m not sure. But I know one thing: Wherever Theron’s Furiosa’s going, I’m following.
“Cannibal Cop” Says The Ladies Love Him Now…Really?
Gilberto “Cannibal Cop” Valle, the former NYPD officer who was once convicted of planning to cook and eat his wife, says dozens of women have reached out to him in the two years since he was released from prison.
Valle told the New York Post the women contact him on social media. “They would say things like, ‘I’m really happy you prevailed’ and ‘Hope you’re doing well,’ ” he said. “Many reached out because they are interested in my case. I started chatting more with a few of them and eventually asked some on dates.”
One of those dates happened last month. Valle took the woman—identified as a “twentysomething Brooklyn gal”—to the top of the Empire State Building and for a nice Chinese dinner near Wall Street. The Post notes that he “had the Grand Marnier shrimp and she ordered the eggplant.”
“We definitely hit it off,” Valle said. “Everything is already out there for people to see, so I have no problem answering questions honestly. I like meeting women who already know everything about me, so I don’t have to suddenly drop this bomb on them.”
The bomb, of course, is Valle’s 2013 conviction for planning to kill and eat dozens of women. The conviction was later overturned when a judge ruled that the plans were little more than “fantasy role-play,” but by then the lurid details of Valle’s case had become a mainstay in New York tabloids.
“I was thinking of tying her body onto some kind of apparatus …cook her over a low heat, keep her alive as long as possible,” he wrote in one instant message to a fellow cannibal fetishist.
But everyone deserves a second shot and a chance at love, so good for Valle for getting back out there. It’s also encouraging to learn that Match.com–where Valle reportedly shared his profile in 2015, saying he was looking for someone “a little kinky ;)”–works for even those accused of cannibalism.
19 Tweets That Prove The La Croix Obsession Is Getting Out Of Hand
Never has there been such a national beverage obsession since the Pumpkin Spice Latte.
The spike in popularity of La Croix (rhymes with boy) is monumental. Currently the best selling brand of sparkling water in the country, La Croix contains zero calories, sugar or sodium, making it an attractive, cheaper alternative for diet cola drinkers, as well as health conscious consumers. And also, people who like to take pictures of things and post them online. The brand has been around for more than 30 years (30 years!!), but according to the Wall Street Journal, La Croix sales have doubled in just the past two.
Why the sudden jump in demand? For one, La Croix has done a great job promoting itself, creating a hashtag for people to #LiveLaCroix and tell about it. They also debuted a line of pretentious flavors social media-bait, like pomme-bayá (apple-berry), cerise limón (cherry lime), piña fraise (pineapple strawberry), melón pomelo (grapefruit melon) and the most popular, pamplemousse (grapefruit), which has its own Instagram and Facebook accounts.
Consumers are now photographing themselves drinking their favorite flavor of La Croix (or at the very least, holding a can), documenting their turgid fridge, overflowing with shiny new cans, and their bloated recycle bins after a La Croix binge. The brand has become a status symbol for the aesthete; La Croix is the new food porn.
With 20 flavors and snazzy generic (vintage!) packaging, people are going nuts for this stuff. Here’s a tiny sample of the insanity. How many of these tweets can you relate to? #allofthem #dontlie #nojudgment
7 Unforgivable Sins Against The Bloody Mary That Need To Stop
The Bloody Mary has sustained some unspeakable atrocities over the past few years. What used to be a demure cocktail made with simple ingredients has morphed into the Island of Misfit Toys. Outlandish garnishes, questionable spirits and unnecessary accoutrement have created an untenable circumstance. Instead of the bygone simplicity of vodka, tomato juice, celery, horseradish and lemon juice, this brunch staple is often unrecognizable, depending on what new garish outfit the bartender du jour has decided to dress it up in. Here are seven of the most odious manipulations.
1) Cheap wine
Replacing vodka with shiraz and adding barbecue sauce and a bacon garnish. Really? There are so many things wrong with this recipe from Barefoot wine that we’re inclined to believe this was intended to be a steak rub.
2) Fruit juice
If Hoda and Kathy Lee, the canaries of the booze industry, won’t drink a strawberry Bloody Mary…
3) Gazpacho
Many recipes describe the Bloody Mary as the cocktail version of “vegetable soup,” which is complete trash. Bloody Marys may capture the spirit of soup, mainly with its chilled vegetable garnishes and tomato base, but it shouldn’t create confusion as to how one is supposed to consume it. “Do you drink it or eat it?” should be one of those phrases that never needs to be uttered. This recipe from The Daily Meal is basically a chunky “twist” on the Bloody Mary that requires imbibers to put their gag reflexes aside while trying to knock back this garden variety version of the cocktail.
4) Meat
We get it. Bloody Marys are meal-like. What they are not is plateware for your actual meal.
Next-level spicy #BloodyMary with fried chicken wings, chicken & waffle skewer and a bulgogi cheesesteak taco! 🍹💥 pic.twitter.com/j849PwDgyR
— Spice Madam (@spicemadam) August 21, 2016
The #ATX Mary. Ain't it somethin!? #Austin #BloodyMary #Maker pic.twitter.com/WFqvQZCffp
— Barbecue Wife (@BarbecueWife) August 20, 2016
https://twitter.com/diningdish/status/758685983307104257
5) Raw fish
Adding poke — or anything in the raw fish family, for that matter — to a drink is unconscionable, regardless of current obsessions. This recipe from the Huffington Post suggests adding raw ahi tuna to the classic drink. “You can serve the Poke Bloody Mary with poke on the side…or you can drop the cubed fish into the drink for a refreshing splash of cooled ahi.” A “refreshing splash” is what that fish used to enjoy before it was killed.
6) Late Night Hosts
People do not belong in Bloody Marys. No matter how many stalks of celery they have velcroed to themselves.
7) Eyeballs
This goes without saying, but eyeballs of any kind do not belong in Bloody Marys. Not even eyeball shaped ice cubes. In 2001, the LA Times wrote about the Mongolian Mary, which contains a floater of pickled sheep’s eye, a popular hangover cure in the country for which it’s named. The sentiment was echoed in 2015: “Many traditional cultures and their medicine men– including Native Americans– believe that eating the organs from a healthy animal supports the organs of the eater.” Entrails will always trump hangovers in the “absolutely not” department.
