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Kanye West Is Super-Passionate About Skinny Jeans

Brendan Bures
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Kanye West Is Super-Passionate About Skinny Jeans

Kanye West loves fashion. We hold that truth as irrefutable. Kanye West is also a man who loves to speak his mind. This, too, we hold as irrefutable truth. Sometimes those two facts combine and results in classic quotes only possible from the mouth of Kanye West.

Recently, Kid Cudi aired some grievances on a little website called Twitter.com. It involved fakery within the music industry and Cudi’s haters and rappers “Talkin top 5 and be having 30 people write songs for them.” One comment was particularly notable, though, and that’s when Cudi named rappers he thought were fakers: Mr. Kanye West and Drake.

https://twitter.com/KidCudi/status/776101032191332352

Drake responded in typical Drake fashion, which is to say, semi-corny but victorious. Still on his Summer Sixteen tour, Drake responded during a concert by alluding to O.T. Genasis song “Cut It,” Drake rapped, “Boy, you getting way too high, you need to Cud-it.”

https://twitter.com/CreevESeven/status/776287605616816128

Kanye, in Tampa for his Saint Pablo tour, also responded: “I am so hurt. I feel so disrespected. Kid Cudi, we are two black men in a racist world.” Kanye’s a disappointed father, or brother, which is reasonable. He signed Cudi to his G.O.O.D. Music label and helped foster Cudi’s career. Ye continued: “I’m out here fighting for y’all creators, artists, independent thinkers. Don’t never mention my name in a bad manner, none of y’all.”

https://twitter.com/iDailyRapFacts/status/776253080979603456

But what we truly care about is another comment Kanye made during his response to Cudi and that’s this: “I wore skinny jeans first. I got called names before you, bruh. Why y’all got to come at me?”

Why do we care? Because this isn’t the first time Kanye mentioned—okay, bragged—about wearing skinny jeans. Two thoughts diverge: a) it was certainly a statement to wear skinny jeans in hip hop’s braggadocio, pimp-centric era from which Kanye emerged but b) what an oddly specific boast, right? With all that Kanye has accomplished, why does he seem proudest of wearing skinny jeans?

And it’s not the first time Kanye has made it clear that he is super passionate about the cut of his denim. Earlier this year Kanye unleashed a salvo of vicious tweets aimed at Wiz Khalifa. The beef was over a misunderstanding that Wiz was dissing Kanye’s wife, Kim Kardashian, when in reality his KK acronym referred to Kalifornia Kush. Kanye has since deleted these tweets after realizing the confusion.

Anyways, amidst the tweet flurry, Kanye wrote the following:

I made it so we could wear tight jeans

Also, related: Kanye complimented Wiz’s pants.

I went to look at your twitter and you were wearing cool pants.

I screen grabbed those pants and sent it to my style team #Wizwearscoolpants

In 2013, Zane Lowe interviewed Kanye West on BBC One in a now-iconic back-and-forth. The pair touched on numerous topics, including Kanye’s designing leather jogging pants, Wreck-It Ralph, and Kanye’s frustration with the fashion industry.

He also (slightly) compared his wearing tight jeans as a Civil Rights Movement. This is one of those situations when Kanye’s stream-of-consciousness-quality of speaking sometimes requires some deciphering. But still:

“Kanye: …now we’re seriously in a Civil Rights movement. Like people used to joke about – remember our South Park photo –

Zane Lowe: Yeah, I do.

Kanye: Remember how funny that was? Do you think there would be a Givenchy in the hood if it wasn’t for that South Park photo. But no one thinks about that – no one thinks about the names I got called for wearing tight jeans

And just in case you were concerned Kanye only worried about skinny jeans, don’t be.  Here’s what he told Vanity Fair in 2014:

Sweatshirts are fucking important.

 

5 Ways Peter Gabriel’s ‘Snowden’ Song Will Blow Your Mind

Maccabee Montandon
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5 Ways Peter Gabriel’s ‘Snowden’ Song Will Blow Your Mind

As The Fresh Toast has previously noted, Oliver Stone’s Edward Snowden biopic, cleverly titled Snowden, is one of the most-anticipated films of this year’s Oscar season. There is much to be psyched about in the flick—secrets! lies! data!—and now you can add to the list: Peter Gabriel. Yes, the “Sledgehammer“-weilder, himself, has contributed a new track to the movie, and it’s … pretty epic. Well, as epic as any song clocking in at a brisk three-and-a-half minutes can be. There’s a lot to unpack here. Indeed, deconstructing this song, and the reaction to it, is like fishing for data at the bottom of the ocean. Confused? Let us help.

1. The opening line to the song is, “Underneath the sky, where the cold winds cross/ there is an ocean, where data flows.” As far as opening lyrical bids go, this is no, “Hello.” This is roll-up-your-sleeves songwriting and then using your newly unencumbered by sleeves hands to drop some major-league science on the eardrums of listeners the world over. And if that previous sentence doesn’t bring the poetic metaphors in a way you feel comfortable with, well, that’s just because we aren’t Peter Gabriel. Not many are. To be clear: only one person is Peter Gabriel. And that’s Peter Gabriel. He lives underneath cold winds!

2. Consider the length of other epic pop songs. G ‘n R’s “November Rain” chimes in at a few clicks past nine minutes. And Lupe Fiasco’s “Mural” is just south of nine. Peter Gabriel? His 1986 hit “Sledgehammer” ran past five minutes. But now he’s clearly into the whole brevity thing, and manages to pack an epic’s worth of stuff—oath taking samples, breathy buildups, dichotomies—into a mere two hundred and ten seconds. It’s like dude has other epic shit to get done and doesn’t have time for your over-bloated epic pop songs.

3. Some people believe “we need to have a national conversation” about Peter Gabriel’s new song. Those people aren’t wrong.

https://twitter.com/samfbiddle/status/776432081161289728

4. The video will save you about two hours and ten minutes. How’s that? The run time of Stone’s movie is two hours and fourteen minutes. The video shows—a lot. The video may be like watching a different movie, but it’s essentially a short movie about Snowden. So, like, math!

5. Peter Gabriel is 66. Whatever you think of his ‘Snowden’ song, the fact that he tried something so ambitious and creatively risky at the age most of us are just going for a prostate exam between bits of muesli  is impressive. That said, Kim Gordon turned 63 in April, and her new track absolutely kills.

But who am I to judge? If you take a look at the YouTube comments on Gabriel’s clip, his *dedicated* fans are overwhelmingly into the new effort. And in this era of shortening attention spans and too much irony and not enough heart, perhaps the speedy, emo epic is just what we need.

Firefighter Chronicles: The Breast-Groping, Taco Meat-Eating Woman Who Masturbated in an Ambulance

Brice Rogers
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Firefighter Chronicles: The Breast-Groping, Taco Meat-Eating Woman Who Masturbated in an Ambulance

One happy thing I’ve learned during my 20-plus years as a firefighter and E.M.T. is that usually the most entertaining ambulance calls are ones that are the least serious. I honestly can’t remember how many people’s lives I’ve seen slip through my fingers while I tried everything I knew to save them. And I can’t recall every gunshot victim or everyone that I ever found irreparably smashed inside a wrecked car. But I thank god that I can remember a few calls that just made me laugh like hell.

Early in my career, I was working an ambulance in a small, rural town with my partner and good buddy Jimmy.  So my backwoods-bred, handlebar-mustached partner Jimmy and I were chilling out in headquarters, debating whether we should be watching whatever was on The Hunting Channel or trying to identify the scrambled edge of a boob or the twisted form of what I could maybe imagine to be a vagina on the blocked porn channel. Pickings were slim on Skinamax, so I was only marginally annoyed when our pagers went off and the lights came on, summoning us to a Routine Response- Psychological.

About ten minutes later, Jimmy and I arrived at a small church off a country road. It was about half-past noon and mid-week, so it was pretty quiet. As Jimmy and I walked toward the church, E.M.S. bags in hand, we were met outside by a man who identified himself as Pastor Paul. Pastor Paul explained to us that he and a couple of his parishioners had recently brought a “troubled young woman” into the fold of their church with hopes of helping her through The Word of God. When the woman repeatedly tried to touch Pastor Paul’s wife’s breasts during a prayer while quickly whispering something about her cat and who-needs-Lithium-anyway, the church decided that they needed the kind of help that doesn’t have to wait for an Amen.

I met this woman, now our patient, in the kitchen of the church: She was a 40ish, slim brunette in a turquoise dress, in no apparent distress, eating cold taco meat as fast as she could out of a skillet with her bare hands. She barely paused to talk to me through a full mouth, but with a few targeted questions and a set of vital signs, it didn’t take Dr. Gregory House to deduce that our patient was experiencing bipolar mania, probably the result of not taking her prescribed medication. Recognizing that we were Pastor Paul’s only way out of a touchy situation, and that without treatment this person could become a danger to herself or others, we casually offered a free ride to the hospital. I was relieved when she jumped up from the table, dropped a whole handful of ground beef, and walked straight out to the ambulance without protest.

I had done the patient care on our last call, a woman with unstable angina, so it was Jimmy’s turn in back with our patient while I drove the 20 miles or so to our local hospital. We were about five minutes into the drive when I heard Jimmy’s gravelly voice from the back:

“Uh…Ma’am, I’m gonna have to ask you not to do that.”

Then, fifteen seconds later, slightly more assertive:

“Ma’am. That’s not okay. You can’t do that in here.”

A few more seconds passed. Then, his voice filled with mix of disbelief and, the the six-foot tall, 200 pound, high school football star-turned-E.M.T. said: “Oh, Ma’am, you can’t…….”

A brief silence followed. I looked into the rear view mirror, then tried to turn my head to see. Before I could get a glimpse, I heard a whispered voice right next to my head in the companionway.

“Dude. She’s back there bangin’ herself.”

I couldn’t understand what poor Jimmy was saying.

“What? What’d you say?”

Just as excited, just as quiet, but with each syllable drawn out, Jimmy repeated himself:

“Dude…… She’s…….back……there…….banging…herself.”

I didn’t need to ask a second time. I reached up and adjusted that rear view mirror for the best possible view of the unfolding situation. I really couldn’t see much with the back of the gurney seated upright, but I could identify the head and back of the woman head lolling back and forth in an ecstatic rhythm. Then Jimmy, still right in my ear:

“Dude. What should I do?”

I paused, thought for a moment, and asked: “Is she hurting herself?”

Jimmy peaked back over the gurney to verify, then the same freaked out gravelly whisper right back in my ear:

“I…I don’t think so.”

I shrugged, thrilled that I might have this situation under control, and from the driver’s seat, nonetheless.

“Ah, just let her finish. Make sure she doesn’t jump out of the rig or anything.”

Jimmy rode the entire way to the hospital crouched right next to me in the companionway while our patient masturbated to her heart’s contentment, just out of our sight. He explained to me that the patient had begun looking at him, then rubbing his leg, moving up toward his crotch until she eventually pulled her dress right up over her hips and “took the F-train to Tunatown”, as he later put it.

When we pulled up the driveway to the hospital, Jimmy told our patient that we were arriving. She immediately stopped touching herself, pulled her dress back down, and gave her hair a quick tousle, all without saying a single word. It was like the masturbating never happened.

We wheeled her in to the “Quiet Room” of the Emergency Department, then gave our report to a grizzled old emergency room nurse. We waited to report the part about the masturbation until we were well out of earshot of the patient. After recounting the tale to as best we could, probably like two prepubescent kids who’d just seen their first Playboy, the nurse merely shook her head and replied with mild annoyance.

“Boys.”

90s Playlist Will Get You In The Mood *wink*

Reggie Wade
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90s Playlist Will Get You In The Mood *wink*

It’s no secret that ’90s nostalgia is hot right now. I mean really . A museum even did a whole exhibit about 1993 once. The 1990s are so hot that dermatologists recommend putting on sunscreen if you plan on making ’90s references. Here a 90s Playlist Will Get You In The Mood *wink*

I don’t know about you, but in my circle, perhaps the only topic more often discussed than the ’90s is that perennial powerhouse: sex. That’s why I had the genius idea–admit it–to compile the best ’90s sex songs. Below are my picks — but I’m sure you have yours.

Nobody, by Keith Sweat ft. Athena Cage

Choice Lyric: “And who can love you like me (nobody)/ Who can sex you like me (nobody)/ Who can treat you like me now, baby (nobody)/ Nobody, baby (nobody).”

One would be hard pressed (read: dumb) to have a discussion about ’90s sex songs and not mention Keith Sweat. The man exuded sexual prowess at the end of the 2nd millennium. If you doubt the power that is Sweat, you try singing baby making music sounding like you have a severe nasal infection! I bet you can’t do it. But Keith Sweat could.

A staple in Keith Sweat songs was the over synthesized background music. It was so overdone the beginning of “Nobody” sounds like the intro to 8-bit Nintendo classic Double Dragon. The dude was getting people laid to video game music! That’s impressive.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8D4laEXpBDw

All the Things (Your Man Won’t Do), by Joe

Choice Lyric: “I’ll make your body cream with my sex machine/ I won’t stop until I hear your mother scream.”

Yes — you read that right. Joe… you the real MVP. Is this lyric about sex? Yes. Is this lyric inherently sexy? Of course not. The words “sex” and “mother” should have at least a 30-word buffer zone between them. But you have to admit: Joe has a pair on him. That’s a man who’s confident, and confidence is sexy.

This song has a special place in my heart. It was used in a funny sex scene in the Wayne’s Brothers Classic Don’t Be a Menace to South Central While Drinking Your Juice in the Hood. That’s why I can’t ever play this song when I have my sexy time. As soon as I hear the opening melody I start to giggle thinking about when Shawn Wayne licks hot sauce off a girl’s comically crusty feet… not a good look.

2 Become 1, by Spice Girls

Choice Lyric: “I need some love like I never needed love before (Wanna make love to ya baby)/ I had a little love, now I’m back for more (Wanna make love to ya baby).”

The Spice Girls were mainly an up-tempo party hit group, but on occasion, they’d pull out a slow jam which really showed off the group’s vocal range — except for Posh Spice of course (Sorry Mrs. Beckham!) “2 Become 1” was that song. The song also happens to be about sex. Spicey, Spicey sex.

RELATED: Here’s How Marijuana Can Help Increase Intimacy

Criminal, by Fiona Apple

Choice Lyric: “I’ve been a bad, bad girl, I’ve been careless with a delicate man.”

I was at the tender age of 11 when this song began to hit airwaves. So I could not quite comprehend what Ms. Apple did to deem herself a bad girl — but I knew I wanted to find out. The entire song is sung in a sultry ooze that made you think “I think she had sex right before she recorded this song.” And the music video… it will definitely fog up your glasses.

Lovefool, by The Cardigans

Choice Lyric: “Love me, love me, say that you love me, fool me, fool me, go on and fool me.”   

This song might be a bit of a head scratcher because sex isn’t the explicit focus of the song — love is. There is a big difference between a love song and a sex song. That’s why Whitney Houston and Luther Vandross don’t make appearances on this list. “Lovefool,” on the surface, seems to be a mushy love song — except for the fact that it’s sung in this playful sexy hush by frontwoman Nina Persson. On a personal note, I love bands that have a female lead singer. Partly because they sound cool singing, and partly because: sex.

Pony, by Ginuwine  

Choice Lyric: “If you’re horny let’s do it, ride it, my pony.”

Pony is one of those iconic sex songs that transcends time and space and exist in a realm of its own sexiness. And I’m sure when recorded, that was the goal. If the song was sexy, the music video was even sexier. But there was more to it then Ginuwine’s gyrating hips. In the video, he won over a hostile, redneck crowd with his sexy dance. By song’s end, black and white folks alike are on the floor getting down! Kind of like how Rocky brought the U.S. and Russia together after defeating Ivan Drago… only sexier.

I Want to Sex You Up, by Color Me Badd

Choice Lyric: See the song title.

Color Me Badd should have changed their name to Color Me Bold after recording this 1991 hit. You know a group means business when they spell “Badd” with two “Ds.” There are sexier songs out there but “I Want to Sex You Up” wins the award, by my count, for being the most blatently forward sex song of the decade.

Cream, by Prince

Choice Lyric: “You got the horn so why don’t you blow it. You are fine (Fine) You’re filthy cute and baby you know it.”

I’m more of an ’80’s Prince guy myself, but you gotta have His Purple Highness on the list. Cream is one of Prince’s highest chart toppers of the decade when it reached No. 1 on the Billboard chart in ’91. Everything about Prince was sex–from his lyrics to his clothes. I bet even his love of pancakes has something to do with sex.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1Lmq6RDn5O8

I’m Loving You Tonight, by The Notorious B.I.G. ft. R. Kelly

Choice Lyric: “Some say the x, make the sex spec-tacular/ make me kiss you from yo neck to yo back/ then ya, shiverin, tongue deliverin, chills up that spine, that ass is mine.”

I’m from Brooklyn, so you know I had to have the Notorious one on the list! Many know this song by its uncensored original title: “I’m Fu*kin You Tonight,” but for the sake of those with sensitive eyes and ears we kept it classy and referenced the censored version instead. Censored or not — the song’s meaning remains clear. Biggie and looking to spend money tonight. He there to get his freak on!

I’ll Make Love to You, by Boyz II Men

Choice Lyric: Are you seriously needing a lyric? It’s BOYZ II MEN!!

When we started, I know I said this list was in no particular order. This song is the exception to that rule. You don’t get more ’90’s than this and you don’t get sexier than this. “I’ll Make Love to You” is grown and sexy at its finest! Boyz II Men reached rarefied air when they simultaneously made both a love and a sex song. This is the kind of sex song that you could listen to with the family. Not that you would ever want to do that, but it’s good to have options.

So there you have it. The best sex songs from a decade that society refuses to let fade into obscurity. A time when even the president was apparently having sex. We hope you enjoy these songs again–or for the first time. And we truly, truly hope you have TONS of… music in your life. Ok, yes, and sex.

Meet The Banksy Of Menu Art

Jillian Peterson
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Meet The Banksy Of Menu Art

There was a time when Instagram was all about food porn. (Oh, and also pets and kids and gym selfies.) Now, if Patrick Nguyen has any say, it will be much more about food art.

That’s because Nguyen, who operates under the made-up handle @dozfy, has racked up quite a following, mainly due to his menu art. Like a Clark Kent and Banksy hybrid, this healthcare worker by day, sketch artist by night, leaves elaborate menu drawings in his wake as a secondary gratuity for cooks.

“Menus are my way of thanking the people in the back of the house, because I feel like they go unrecognized,” he says.

An art school alum of the University of Texas at Austin, Nguyen’s first menu drawing was at Chicago’s Blackbird in September 2014. He’s since moved on to Atlanta and Seattle, where he currently resides, using everything from pizza boxes to coffee cups as his canvases.

It’s always great when they look at me like I’m crazy when I ask for something to draw on.

“The best part of it is the process — problem solving and looking at the image, deciding what medium you want to use, deciding what composition you want. [Menu art] is my free trial run to try different approaches. What can I draw with this pen? What can I get away with?”

Even though each sketch only takes Nguyen about 10 minutes, much more goes into his pre-production: the size of the menu, the ingredients used and overall cuisine determines what he draws. “When I start eating, it changes,” Nguyen notes. “What’s the flavor profile, what’s the texture? There’s a cultural aspect to menu art as well. For example, I can’t do menu art at most Vietnamese restaurants because their menus are either on the wall or the menus are laminated.”

If that’s the case, Nguyen will often ask for a receipt to draw on instead.

It’s usually not until he’s tagged on Instagram that he gets confirmation the kitchen has received his drawing. But if Nguyen had his way, he’d be able to see every reaction in person — good or bad.

“Both reactions are pure reactions, so I don’t think there’s bad or good. But it’s always great when they look at me like I’m crazy when I ask for something to draw on, and I give them the finished menu and they’re like, ‘Shoot! I didn’t know you were going to draw, draw!’ Those kind of reactions stick in my head, but there’s really no bad reaction.”

If Nguyen’s plan for world domination pans out, you’ll be seeing his drawings in every major city. And unlike Banksy’s work, Dozfy menus will always be free.

Dronesurfing Is Your New Favorite Sport You Didn’t Know Existed

Brendan Bures
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Dronesurfing Is Your New Favorite Sport You Didn’t Know Existed

So maybe the future isn’t all bad, huh? Though we’ve been a little tough on drones in the past (as in today), they do present some exciting possibilities. Thanks to the folks over at Freefly for introducing us to our new favorite sport: dronesurfing.

It looks so exciting I almost want to question its realness. You never know with the internet these days.

Perhaps what drones are trying to make obsolete isn’t humans, but boats. Think about it: You could wakeboard, tube, waterski, surf all thanks these drones. While it isn’t exactly the safest way to traverse, say, a river or lake, it could work. Maybe, just maybe, the drones could be our friends. (Probably not.)

The Moon Is On The Loose in China…Watch What Happens

Taylor Berman
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The Moon Is On The Loose in China…Watch What Happens

A moon is on the loose in Fuzhou, China.

Shaghaiist reports that the runaway moon was a decoration for the upcoming Mid-Autumn Festival before it was dislodged by Super Typhoon Meranti’s winds. Now it’s a wandering, half-deflated menace.

Watch out for the moon.

 moon3

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WTF Is Going On With All The Clowns, And How Scared Should We Be?

TFT Editors
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WTF Is Going On With All The Clowns, And How Scared Should We Be?

The great clowns epidemic of 2016 has drifted south to Georgia, where children in two cities have reportedly been harassed by the make-up-covered walking nightmares.

In LaGrange, Ga. on Monday, a Facebook group purportedly started by a clown (or clowns) threatened to drive a van to five local schools and abduct children, according to WXIA. The Facebook group has since been taken down, but the LaGrange police department isn’t taking any chances.

The same day, 95 miles to the east, in Macon, Ga., a woman claims three of her children were chased by clowns who had emerged from the woods.

“They’re still shaken up,” Aisha Thompson told WGXA. “My oldest daughter, she’s the big sister of all four of them, she’s shaking in her jacket. When I was hugging her she was shaking and she’s in the mentor’s program, on the softball team, and JLC. She doesn’t want to go to school, and my children love school.”

According to Thompson’s youngest son, the clowns were carrying lasers; other witnesses told police they were holding flashlights and fake knives. There were also reports of Facebook messages sent from people in clown make-up that read, “I will find you.”

Like the incident of LaGrange, police have so far found no physical evidence to support the clown claims.

The Georgia clown developments come fast on the  (floppy, red, oversized) heels of similar incidents in South and North Carolina, and just days after Stephen King told a reporter he suspects the entire thing is a series of hoaxes.

Posted By: Taylor Berman

How Much Cocaine Is In Domino’s Garlic Dip?

Jillian Peterson
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How Much Cocaine Is In Domino’s Garlic Dip?

If you’re new to reddit, there’s a thing called AMA where someone, usually a famous someone, opens up the flood gates, urging users to Ask Me Anything! Today, someone with the handle TomDermotBrown, a guy claiming to be a former UK Domino’s Pizza employee, took a stab at it. And the results are pretty entertaining (and eye-opening). Here are a few highlights:

dominos pizza
Photo screenshot via TomDermotBrown on Reddit
dominos pizza
Photo screenshot via TomDermotBrown on Reddit
dominos pizza
Photo screenshot via TomDermotBrown on Reddit
dominos pizza
Photo screenshot via TomDermotBrown on Reddit
dominos pizza
Photo screenshot via TomDermotBrown on Reddit
dominos pizza
Photo screenshot via TomDermotBrown on Reddit
Photo screenshot via TomDermotBrown on Reddit
Photo screenshot via TomDermotBrown on Reddit

A few takeaways: Domino’s Pizza tastes better in the UK, but it’s also more expensive (about $20 per pie) and smaller, by about half an inch. They also have toppings like tandoori chicken, sweetcorn, tuna and green chilies. And they use tortillas for their thin crust pizza. Also: four cocaines.

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Uber’s Driverless Cars, And 5 Other Examples Of Machines Winning

Brendan Bures
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Uber’s Driverless Cars, And 5 Other Examples Of Machines Winning

“Hello, your driverless car has arrived.” That message is greeting Uber users in Pittsburgh today, as the company unveils its brand-new driverless car function. “Why Pittsburgh?” you might ask. According to Popular Science, it’s where Uber established its secretive robotics plants, pilfering minds from Carnegie Mellon’s renowned robotics program.

But also, Pittsburgh’s apparently a really hard city to drive around even if you’re human! As Uber Engineering Director Raffi Krikorian told PopSci, “We jokingly call Pittsburgh the double black diamond of driving […] We say if we can drive in Pittsburgh, we can drive anywhere.”

In that same interview, Krikorian posits that manifesting the driverless car is a safety issue, and definitely not to eliminate a human work force. “Driving is actually a pretty dangerous thing,” he says, sounding every bit the economic existentialist.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pmofgf-Y3Mc

Living in Austin, Texas, I may or may not have a personal bias against Uber (and Lyft) for leaving the city after voters passed regulations on the ride-share services. (Business Insider has a good recap, if you’re unfamiliar.) So if I sound *down* on Uber’s driverless car thing, take it with a shaker of salt.

That being said, I’m terrified. Almost every major tech company is chasing the driverless car: Apple, Google, Lyft. More and more technology has replaced not just our need to provide for ourselves, but might be replacing, well, us. Humans. AI and tech making humans obsolete is very much an ongoing conversation currently.

Excuse me if I sound like a Luddite, but driverless cars isn’t the only technology pushing human jobs (and humans!) into irrelevancy. In fact, there’s enough to make you a little uncomfortable about the future.

Amazon Drones

When Jeff Bezos announced these bad boys during a 2013 60 Minutes interview, the reaction was clinically tepid. It sounded like a marketing gimmick. But now they’re real and happening.

While the qualifications necessary to order Amazon Air—chief among them: living near an Amazon plant and not living in a city—chills its immediate impact, it’s just a small part of how Amazon plans to revolutionize the transportation of their goods. It could be seen as Amazon pushing out the third-party transportation services they’ve relied on—FedEx, UPS, the United States Postal Service—but the New York Times says that’s not what happening here. Instead, all deliveries will look to the sky.

What’s that in the sky? A bird, a plane, Superman? Nope, it’s a robot delivering your mom’s marijuana tampons.

Roomba

This one seems miniscule: A roving robot sucking up whatever dirty crusties lie on your floor. Parks & Rec’s Tom Haverford even transformed this little guy into a DJ.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pXhsUPtsiLU

But beware of leaving the Roomba running while at work: Not all may be white and clean in your home upon returning. It may be brown and shitty. The “poopocalypse” of last month reminds us that robots still exhibit human levels of stupidity: A Roomba scooped up a piece of dog poop, and smeared and sprayed it all over the house. What’s worse: A spokesperson for iRobot, makers of the Roomba, relayed this message to the Guardian regarding the incident: ““Quite honestly, we see this a lot.”

The future: a magical world full of poop floors.

Alexa

Hmm. In a world full of dating apps like Tinder, Bumble, and Grindr, in a world full of tele-cocooning individuals who date while never seeing each other, in a world where the Japanese government hosts matchmaking events to boost a falling birth rate, in our world of modern romance, maybe a female robot who can answer questions and heed your demands from anywhere in the house isn’t the best idea.

Spike Jonze should make a movie about this.

Virtual Reality Porn

Pornography tends to influence technology: It helped VHS defeat Betamax, it instituted online transactions, and claims loads of internet content. As this Business Insider headline states: PORN: The Hidden Engine that Drives Innovation in Tech.

Many proclaim that porn could usher in a new era of virtual reality. With companies like PornHub offering free Google Cardboard quality devices, it doesn’t seem far off. But goodness, what a scary world.

I’m positive this will solve the sex problems of nerds everywhere.

3D Printers

Why create anything? Why make anything? Why craft new products? We have 3D printing.

3D printing can “print” organs, guns, prosthetics, and car parts. It is literally the future. And the machine will makes its own parts and makes improved 3D printers and we will become obsolete. Because we’re humans and the world doesn’t need us anymore. It has our technology.

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