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Lesson Learned: Don’t Piss Off Icelandic Elves

Sam Jones
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Lesson Learned: Don’t Piss Off Icelandic Elves

Flooded roads, failed machinery, people getting stuck and needing rescue: The elves took it relatively easy on this northern Icelandic village, considering the circumstances.

You see, their home — a mythologically-loaded boulder known as the Lady Elf Stone — was covered in mud and rubble chucked from workers clearing a landslide. This royally peeved its magical inhabitants, setting off a chain of misfortune for those continuing to disrespect their land.

“The local authority had a discussion about it and officially a decision was made at the local council to clean the stone because of the elf lady and her family living there,” Magnus Skarphedinsson, headmaster of the Icelandic Elf School told CBC in an As It Happens interview.

How you get to be a headmaster of an elf school in Iceland in the year 2016 is one of many mysteries surrounding this story. In a a poll conducted by the Iceland Review, 13 percent of Icelanders were brave enough to say elves definitely don’t exist, which is probably a safe call considering the calamity that could follow disrespecting an elf fam. Who is America supposed to blame for plagues like predatory clowns and killer hickeys?

[h/t CBC]

Werner Herzog’s Hot Take of The Day: Television Commercials

TFT Editors
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Werner Herzog’s Hot Take of The Day: Television Commercials

Acclaimed filmmaker Werner Herzog is best known for his obsessions with the monumental issues of human existence: technology, art, beauty, death, the unforgiving brutality of nature, and the exploration of the unknown. But he also considers—and complains about—the banality of everyday life and the minutia of current events. Here is the German artist’s take on network television:

Our children will hate us for not throwing hand grenades into every TV station because of commercials.

This has been Werner Herzog’s Hot Take of the Day.

Cafe Owner Facebook Rages About Customer’s Gluten-Intolerance

Jillian Peterson
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Cafe Owner Facebook Rages About Customer’s Gluten-Intolerance

Ask any chef and they’ll likely have a fury-filled story to tell you about a persnickety diner who had a strict dietary requirement that ruined the kitchen’s entire night. Maybe it was parsley they were allergic to. Or the color red. Regardless, when a chef has to put the brakes on the usual flow of their kitchen line, things can often turn ugly.

That’s the case with the White Moose Café in Dublin, Ireland. According to its Facebook page, a diner who had the nerve to ask for gluten-free pancakes over the weekend didn’t know what celiac disease was (it’s a chronic gluten sensitivity). Apparently, that was enough for owner Paul Stenson, who immediately threw his hands up.


After some backlash, the Stenson posted this:

Followed by this:

This time last year, it was vegans who Stenson trolled:

One person’s dietary restriction, it seems, is another person’s free publicity.

Poll: Would You Use This New Urinal To Wash Your Penis?

Sam Jones
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Poll: Would You Use This New Urinal To Wash Your Penis?

If necessity is the mother of invention, you can make your own assumptions about how this one came about.

Spanish entrepreneurs dreamed up the “Urinary 2.0,” a urinal-bidet combination. Sensors activate a “water curtain sudsy” that does its job in three seconds, complete with hot or cold water preferences and a drying feature. It’s a car wash! For your genitals! Nothing could go wrong!

Photo by Eduard Gevorkyan
Photo by Eduard Gevorkyan

They’re in the prototype phase now, which means someone either already has or is about to work up the courage to take the Urinary 2.0 on a maiden voyage. We can assume proper protocol is still being assessed for eye contact and small talk while your junk’s getting lathered up by a wall-mounted machine.

[poll id=”8″]

“Iceland, Sweden and Austria are among the cleanest countries in the world,” Spanish biochemist and businessman, and Urinary co-founder, Eduard Gevorkyan, told laInfo in a sweeping generalization about where people in these countries would want to put their penises. “There [these] certainly could succeed.”

 

 

 

 

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Which Netflix Cooking Show Should You Binge On?

Amy Hansen
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Which Netflix Cooking Show Should You Binge On?

[qzzr quiz=”263244″ width=”100%” height=”auto” redirect=”true” offset=”0″]

Take this quiz to find out!

This Dude Broke Into A House And Painted A Dog Purple

Taylor Berman
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This Dude Broke Into A House And Painted A Dog Purple

Crime struck idyllic Martha’s Vineyard this weekend when a man allegedly broke into a home, stole some things, and then painted the damn family dog purple.

The Cape Cod Times reports Felix Reagan crashed a stolen car early Saturday afternoon in a Martha’s Vineyard neighborhood, according to the Oak Bluffs Police Department. He then allegedly snuck into a nearby house through a first-floor window, reportedly stole several items and—for reasons unknown—painted the dog purple. Reagan was apprehended a short time later; police found a driver’s license and credit cards belonging to the owner of the vandalized home/dog in his possession, as well as prescription drugs. He was also caught, uh, purple-handed. (His hands were reportedly covered with purple paint.)

No word yet on what kind of dog was painted. We will, of course, update this post as soon as that information is revealed.

Did Gucci Mane Just Record A New Collaboration With… OutKast?!

Brendan Bures
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Did Gucci Mane Just Record A New Collaboration With… OutKast?!

In Gucci we trust. The lifestyle icon and trap god himself, Gucci Mane sure has occupied himself since returning home from prison. He released a new album, already announced another, and starred in a Supreme commercial directed by his old buddy Harmony Korine.

The work doesn’t stop either. During Labor Day, Gucci Mane bragged on his Snapchat about recording eight features that day, listing his collaborators. The names are mostly who you’d expect: Lil’ Wayne, Diplo, 2 Chainz, Quavo. But then Guwop dropped this little nugget: He also recorded a feature for OutKast.

So, yeah, we’re officially freaking out. Andre 3000 has made recent memorable appearances on Frank Ocean’s Blonde record and Travi$ Scott’s Birds in the Trap Sing McKnight. This news also comes on the heels of Big Boi announcing his next album will be a joint EP with Killer Mike, of Run the Jewel’s fame. And if you’re a super enthusiast, you remember Chris Rock humblebragging about being “hard at work on the new Andre 3000 album.” There was even Instagram proof.

https://www.instagram.com/p/BD6WjXGnUIJ/

Basically, here’s the thing: When Gucci Mane says he recorded a feature for OutKast, we’re not entirely sure what he means. Andre and Big Boi’s last album, Idlewild, was made with the pair barely speaking to one another. But following the reunion tour and that Andre verse on T.I.’s “Sorry” and maybe…

No we’re not letting our hopes balloon again. The possibility of another OutKast album is too tantalizing to conceive for-real happening. We’ll just assume Gucci Mane misspoke in some way and that OutKast isn’t releasing a record. Goodness, we hope we’re wrong.

UPDATE: Welp. It looks like we were right. The Fader reached out to Andre’s rep who said there’s no “Outkast news to report” at this time.

Is This The World’s Most Insane Coffee Drink

Jillian Peterson
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Is This The World’s Most Insane Coffee Drink

A coffee shop in Adelaide, Australia is getting loads of media attention for one of its coffee drinks, which is bordering on controlled substance territory.

The Asskicker is an iced fusion comprised of:

  • four shots of espresso
  • four ounces of cold brew that’s steeped 10 days
  • four ice cubes made from cold brew that’s steeped 48 hours

RELATED: Celebrating The Espresso Martini

And the whole thing is topped off with four more 48-hour cold brew ice cubes and a health warning:

https://www.instagram.com/p/9KLbJ0Bw3P/

“Caution: Persons with high blood pressure and/or heart condition(s) Drink at own Risk!”

Viscous Coffee made the drink for an ER nurse looking for something to keep her awake during a night shift. The Asskicker delivered in spades, keeping her up for three days as she slowly “nursed” the drink over a two-day period.

Viscous owner Steve Benington shared he toned down the drink after the incident, but warns the drink is still meant to be sipped over a three to four hour period.

Unfortunately, Viscous Coffee closed during Covid.

A Ristretto is the strongest coffee type! It’s similar to an espresso in the way that it’s made. Water is still pulled through coffee beans to create the coffee but a Ristretto uses less water. This makes the coffee shorter and stronger because the concentration of coffee and caffeine is higher.

But one serving size (8 ounces) is estimated that there’s about 95 mg of caffeine. This makes drip coffee the clear winner in terms of strength.

Potiquette: The Back To School Edition

Penelope Potter
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Potiquette: The Back To School Edition

Dear Ms. Pot,

I’m a philosophy professor at a school in the middle of cow country. There are two bars dominated by underage students, one Chinese restaurant, and a nice little inn where you can get a decent glass of wine with colleagues. That’s the extent of the social life around here, so we make our own. Once a week, a couple local musicians and I set up mics and rock out to the Rolling Stones in my living room, do tequila shots, and smoke pot. It’s very 1970s. Two or three of my students usually show up, too. So, Monday night I’m passing a joint to a student, then Tuesday morning I’m lecturing her on Kierkegaard. Kosher?

Puff Prof

———————-

Dear Puff Prof,

It all sounds very… Animal House. ‘Member that scene in the 1978 cult classic, where a shaggy Donald Sutherland creepily locks the door, lights candles, and shows his students how to properly smoke a joint while lazing around discussing the solar system. ‘Try not to drool so much on the end of it,” he wisely instructs.

Your scene sounds a little livelier. And harmless enough. Honestly, I’d be more worried about the tequila than the THC. Just be smart about it—which should come easy enough, since you are a PhD. You might recall that idiot high school teacher in Virginia who, earlier this year, let his student smoke up in class. This is off campus, after-hours. And as John Belushi’s sweatshirt reminds us: COLLEGE. If you taught, say, economics or law, I’d probably say un-invite your students to your soiree. But, philosophy? It’s all about expanding hearts and minds. Right?

With love and homework,

Ms. Pot

 

Here’s What You Need To Rock Malia Obama’s “Smoking Kills” Look

Sam Jones
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Here’s What You Need To Rock Malia Obama’s “Smoking Kills” Look

Malia Obama just earned herself the title of First Daughter of Shade, showing up to Labor Day weekend’s Made in America Festival in a DIY t-shirt that reads “Smoking Kills.”

She’s doing her summer of 2016 gap year right, hitting the festie circuit hard before heading to college next year. Some headlines ponder if this is punishment from her parents after her Lollapalooza puff-pass incident, while others proclaim her a hypocrite. Did the Obamas make her wear this? They don’t seem like the public-shaming-as-discipline type. Is she making it her personal mission to save the youth from the perils of smoking? Eh. As the coolest teen heading for Harvard, not the next Nancy Reagan, we’re guessing she’s simply being ironic af.

We have two more important items to discuss than her genius choice of normcore.

#1: What is the Secret Service directive on festival outfits? Plaid and dad-vests, from the look of this photo. Guys, just because the event is sponsored by Bud, doesn’t mean you have to dress like Seth Rogan.

#2: That lettering is tight. None of that “started the word too big, ended up with an ‘-ing’ scrunched at the end” business. Did she trace it out in pencil, first? Or is her freehand lettering just that good? Either way, standing ovation for flawless kerning.

If you’re as ready to rock this look as we are, here’s a handy starter kit:

Augusta Sportswear 710 Adult’s Ringer T-Shirt White/Black XL

Sharpie Permanent Markers, Fine Point, Black, 2-Pack (30162PP)

Harvard Crimson – Letter – Fitted Hat

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