You Won’t Believe What Servers Overhear On The Job

Someone give these folks a damn raise.

Servers Overhear
Photo by Flickr user Dolapo Falola

A good server blends into a meal like a good bottle of wine. He or she keeps the good times flowing, provides support, and isn’t really noticeable until a refill is needed. This stealth mode is crucial for restaurant professionals who don’t want to interrupt people enjoying their dining experience. It’s also what enables them to inconspicuously hear everything that’s going on, like a proverbial fly on the wall.

Reddit recently posted a question asking servers to dish on all the weird stuff they’ve overheard while doing their job. Here are some of the best SFW answers. (Please do yourself a favor and read all of them!)

@ElPapaDiablo: In a Witherspoons and there was a slight lull in the Friday night noise and a buddy and I overheard a girl say “Well technically he isn’t my brother so I shagged him” to which her friend replied “But you have the same Dad”.

@zapatodulce: We had a couple who would come in regularly and always asked to be seated in my coworker’s section. They were probably in their 60s and were always really affectionate and cute with each other. My coworker would joke around with them all the time. One day the man came in with a different woman than usual, and my coworker jokingly told him “ooooh, you’re in trouble. I’m going to tell your wife you were here with another woman.” Woman said “Excuse me? I am his wife. Who the fuck has he been coming here with?” Dead awkward silence while she death-glares at her extremely uncomfortable-looking husband. My coworker just turned around and walked away.

@duckyblinders: A little girl’s (couldn’t be older than 10) dad’s drunk girlfriend calling her fat piece of shit, not pretty enough, etc. When they ordered she asked for a baked potato and the girlfriend said “Really? Do you really need that potato, Hailey?”. The little girl was holding back tears all night. I messed up her order and brought her the potato. Then I brought her a free dessert to make up for the mistake. Just to piss off the drunk girlfriend.

@jakethedog53: I sat a table of three: a mom, her daughter, and Grandma. After sitting, Grandma left to order spaghetti at the Italian place next door. Mom seemed to be having an existential crisis. I asked her what she wanted to drink.

“I don’t know,” she said.

“Can I get you some water?” I asked.

“I don’t know.”

“Do you want me to come back later?”

“I’m not sure.”

The daughter, who was getting impatient, stood up on her chair.

“Hey!” she said. “I’ll have you know. I want apples!”

“But first I have to get you something to drink. Would you like some water?”

“I want apples!”

Grandma ate Italian food in silence while Mom stared at a menu for an hour and a half and the daughter ate apples. When they finished, Mom paid, and they left. She tipped well, considering all they bought was $.50-worth of apple slices.

@jakethedog53: I sat and waited on a living Wes Anderson movie.

@coach_whackbat: My girlfriend waits tables. One time a creepy man said to her “when I have sex with my wife, I think of you instead.” The wife sitting at the table didn’t seem bothered by this fact. I also bought my girlfriend pepper spray and a tazer soon after.

@SudaneseWarlord: Worked at an airport and I was cleaning the tables while I overheard a man and his high class prostitute he had flown In, talk about terms and conditions as well as ordinary things. Apparently It was the first time he’d done It and he was nervous his wife would somehow find out. They discussed do’s and dont’s and well you get the Idea. But In all honesty the bloke seemed like a shy guy, didn’t look bad, and the hooker was exemplary In the way she treated him. And the money she earned was more than my monthly salary.

@did_it_right: Party of 5 or 6, its a group of friends having dinner. In walks a clown. Clown starts randomly walking around the restaurant doing balloon animals for kids and shit like that. I have no idea what the fuck is going on, we didn’t hire this guy. He walks over to the table of 5 or 6 and selects a man from the table to perform a magic trick for. He did the trick, a small flash of smoke and fire happens and then magically there is an engagement ring on a rope. The man takes the ring and the woman gets on her knees and asks the man to marry her. The man says no, tells her to get up and they continue dinner. This table now has the attention of the entire restaurant (like 300-400 people on our busiest night). Everybody just turned away and started awkwardly eating like nothing happened.

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