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The Atlanta Falcons Should Win Super Bowl Because America Wins, Too

Brendan Bures
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The Atlanta Falcons Should Win Super Bowl Because America Wins, Too

The Atlanta Falcons should win the Super Bowl. That is not a statement made in prognostication, but in best possible outcome. I do not know who will win the Super Bowl. I will not pretend to even predict who will win the Super Bowl. That is a talking head’s game, played (loudly) so you will continue paying attention to them.

Instead, let us deal in facts. This Atlanta Falcons’ offense is historically great. An ongoing internet theory, promulgated by me, involves Matt Ryan being a football android sent from a future where robots have replaced all physical human activity, including sports. No one currently playing football is better at catching passes and running away from defenders like their statues than Julio Jones. (Odell Beckham, Jr. legit still has temper tantrums—albeit ones that are wildly entertaining—and Antonio Brown’s kryptonite, somehow, is Facebook Live.) Not to mention, that tricky abstract force we call momentum is on the Falcons’ side right now.

I should not need to inform you how great New England is. Besides Nick Saban and Alabama, the New England Patriots are sports’ most totalitarian dynasty. Since I became conscious of watching sports, I do not remember a time the Patriots weren’t either in the Super Bowl, or had a legitimate chance of reaching the Super Bowl. Even when Tom Brady injured his ACL in 2008, the Patriots finished 11-5 with Matt Cassel leading them—yes that Matt Cassel. Call Bill Belichick whatever you want—a magician, a machine, a maestro—but I truly believe a blind, dyslexic pig could start as New England’s quarterback, and Belichick would push that team to at least above .500.

That being said, New England should not win the Super Bowl. Respect does not beget support. An ongoing movement of rooting against the Patriots is growing online, but that’s not what this is. This is pro-Atlanta only, not anti-New England. Because if Atlanta wins the Super Bowl, we all win as a culture.

New York and Los Angeles and others will argue otherwise, but the city of Atlanta is America’s greatest current hotbed for popular culture. Some of the best rap, TV, and movies all originated or were produced in Atlanta. No city is better prepared to respond with a win for their sports franchise, especially when you remember Atlanta’s tragic, miserable, downright depressing sports history.

Just imagine, if you will, all the possibilities if Atlanta should win the Super Bowl.

Imagine the rap song(s)

Some rappers you probably (read: should) love in 2017: Migos, Gucci Mane, Lil Yachty, Future, 21 Savage, 2 Chainz, Young Thug. Other Atlanta rappers you know and might (again read: should) love: OutKast, Killer Mike, 8Ball and MJG, Goodie Mob, T.I., Ludacris, Jeezy, Pastor Troy.

Somehow that list with more than 15 names doesn’t feel enough. But if the Falcons win, you will hear from all of Atlanta. There will at least be a “Champions” remix by Tuesday and Gucci will likely drop an EP on Friday. Andre 3000, high on victory, might finally agree to release new records with Big Boi again. And you will love it all because what rap city produces better anthems, better club records, and better radio singles than Atlanta? None. These credentials are not internet stunting; they are simply reality.

For the love of culture, just imagine the Migos ad-libs (*Quavo voice* dream it!).

Imagine the Atlanta storyline

Since I’m already on record as qualifying Atlanta as TV’s most exciting and promising show, I won’t repeat myself. One of Atlanta’s greatest strengths, however, is its ability to blur the line between fiction and reality until it resembles a faint indent of an erased pencil mark: the Awaken, My Love! record appearing in “Juneteenth,” Migos playing “the migos,” black Justin Bieber.

Before the show premiered, it ran a promotion following FX’s season finale of The People v. O. J. Simpson: American Crime Story (spoiler alert: he’s acquitted). It was nothing revealing, just Earn, Darius, and Paper Boi watching the same show that’d just aired, but it accurately captured the tone of show and its characters to come.

All this to be say: If the Falcons win, the show will respond in some form or fashion. And you will laugh. Don’t you want to laugh? Doesn’t America need to laugh right now?

Imagine Follies, Imagine Magic City, Imagine Blue Flame

My editor just regrettably informed me I can’t describe the possible scene at any of these fine establishments. You only don’t know these names if you’ve a) never visited friends who lived in Atlanta or b) never heard a rap song.

Just know Atlanta nightlife will be lawless and out of control if the Falcons claim a Super Bowl. Speaking of which…

Imagine celebrities on social media

Here is a short list of major productions currently filming in Atlanta: Avengers: Infinity Wars, Black Panther, Pitch Perfect 3, I, Tonya, Den of Thieves, and more probably kept under wraps. If Atlanta beats New England, every celebrity and rapper and D-list star will hit the streets.

Don’t you want to see Anna Kendrick snapping selfies with 21 Savage? Would the internet implode if Michael B. Jordan kicked it with Migos somehow? How many of these clips would include “Bad and Boujee” in the background? What’s the likelihood some Chris—Pratt, Hemsworth, Evans—get caught in an uncompromising situation? Why do I know Leo will make an appearance?

When you take a step back, you understand why Atlanta should win the Super Bowl. Everyone will benefit and enjoy the celebration. If you disagree, there’s only one thing you are—a boring, old Patriots fan.

Foul-Mouthed Grandmother Returns To Cook Super Bowl Vegan Food

TFT Editors
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Foul-Mouthed Grandmother Returns To Cook Super Bowl Vegan Food

Last Thanksgiving, we shared a video with you of a character named Granny PottyMouth offering up f-bombs and delicious vegan, Turkey-free recipes for Thanksgiving. Well, now Granny—played by Peggy Glenn—is back for more cursing and ethical, animal product-free cooking, but this time she’s set her sights on the Super Bowl and the millions of chicken wings consumed in its honor each year.

As an alternative to chicken wings, Mrs. PottyMouth offers up a tasty recipe for homemade vegan cauliflower wings. But first she’s joined a special guest: her equally foul-mouthed granddaughter. “What the f*ck, grandma,” the little girl says near the videos start. “Aren’t you going to tell them that chickens killed for wings live shi**y-a** lives before being f*cking killed and hacked apart? Or that millions of them are murdered a year and that’s just for one game!”

After detailing her recipe, Granny really lets loose.

“Why, those poor little birds live shitty-a** lives before being hauled off in hellish f*cking trucks to clusterf*cks known as ‘slaughterhouses,’ where they’re killed by turd-faced a**hats who have no sense of decency,” she says at one point. “And their legs and wings are served at dumbf*ck football parties, who wouldn’t know good flavor if it bit them in the c**de.”

Who can argue with that!

Watch the full video below.

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9 Times YouTube Rap Mashups Made Our Childhood Memories Cooler

Sam Jones
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9 Times YouTube Rap Mashups Made Our Childhood Memories Cooler

Roll your blunts and turn on your speakers: It’s time to revisit your favorite classic childhood cartoons and films, with a modern rap twist on YouTube. These mashups shouldn’t sound so good, but they work so well. Your childhood would have been lowkey lit if these mashups existed when the films they’re inspired by were created.

“I Just Can’t Wait For Booty” is a Matt Hodges mashup of The Lion King’s “I Just Can’t Wait To Be King” and the classic Bubba Sparxxx & Ying Yang Twins masterpiece, “Ms. New Booty.”

Another “Ms. New Booty” mashup, this time with The Little Mermaid’s “Under The Sea.” Ariel is, quite literally, the original Miss New Booty. Fins to legs, get it? No? Okay, moving along.

Related: Eleven from ‘Stranger Things’ Can Perfectly Rap Nicki Minaj’s “Monster” Verse

“That Girl Worth Fighting For” is an incredibly catchy mix of the song from Mulan featuring Wayne, Pharrell and Gucci Mane.

Related: Big Sean ‘Bounces Back’ And Japandroids Return

This mashup of music from Thomas the Tank Engine and Biggie Smalls’ acapella bars including “Come On,” “Machine Gun Funk,” and “Sky Is The Limit” works so, so well. The video’s gotten nearly 17 million views already. If only Biggie were alive to witness this.

T.I., Lady Gaga and more appear on this mashup of “I Just Can’t Wait To Be King.” So many Lion King mashups exist out there.

Why does the Thomas the Tank Engine theme fit so well with rap? This time, Snoop gets in on it.

Related: How Anti-Rapper Vince Staples Went Big With ‘Prima Donna’

The first-ever feature length animated Disney film and Kanye West. A match made in rap heaven.

Another Little Mermaid classic, another Snoop Dogg cameo. If you can get through this without dancing in your seat, your willpower is strong.

This one’s probably not from your childhood, but it’s someone’s childhood, and deserving of recognition nonetheless. Frozen and A$AP Ferg were meant to be together.

 

Act Like You Know: 4 Key Questions to Ask Your Sommelier

Zach Geballe
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Act Like You Know: 4 Key Questions to Ask Your Sommelier

I get it. Talking to a sommelier can be scary. We probably know more about wine than you, and some of us want to make very sure that you feel that knowledge gap. Yet if you don’t ask some questions (namely, these four), you’re not gonna get the right wine for you. Pay attention to how the sommelier answers these as well: having a keen bullshit detector can definitely help you out.

Tell them a wine you’ve had recently that you liked, and ask them if they have something similar.

It’s unlikely that they’ll have the exact wine you mention, but assuming you can recall at least a few facts about it (name, place of origin, varietal), they should be able to get a sense for your taste. Specific bottles are much more helpful to a somm than vague and potentially misleading phrases like “I like dry red wines.”

Don’t ask: “Is this a good vintage?” Ask: “Does this wine show much vintage variation?”

In the modern wine world, outright bad vintages are few and far between. Improved technique and education has allowed growers and winemakers throughout the world to turn even challenging years into good wine, though some years are easier than others. The better question to ask is about how much the wine will vary from year-to-year.

Generally, wines from cooler climates will show more variation, and wines from warmer climates will be more similar. Variation isn’t inherently good or bad, but it’s something to consider when you order an old favorite; it might not be the same wine you remember.

If you’re feeling adventurous, ask them what wines they’re most excited by.

Any list curated by a somm will have at least a few bottles that, for lack of a better word, are weird. They might be from an unexpected corner of the globe, or be made from a unique grape, or be made in an unusual style. They might represent an idiosyncratic pairing like white wine with red meat. However, if you’re in possession of an open mind and a broad palate, you can find some

If you want to dive deep, ask who imports (where appropriate) and distributes the wine.

The importance of the importer has definitely risen in the modern wine world, as the most respected companies have created a brand out of their expertise, and celebrities of a sort out of their founders: think Kermit Lynch, Becky Wasserman, and Terry Theise among others.

Often the wines they import share a certain style and philosophy, even if they’re from different parts of the world. Distributors can be extremely different, and smaller is not always better, but it’s a general rule of thumb that the bigger a distributor is, the bigger the brands they work with. After all, the national distributors want to buy and sell wine that’s available and sought-after in all 50 states, while one based in a single city can carry more niche and esoteric bottles.

That’s just the start, of course, but I hope this encourages you to ask some questions, and to listen to the answers. If you’re open to new wines, and to taking a small leap of faith, a good sommelier can greatly enhance your dining experience, without greatly enhancing your stress level.

MORE RELATED STORIES

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QUIZ: Are You Pronouncing These 9 Common Foods Correctly?

Jillian Peterson
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QUIZ: Are You Pronouncing These 9 Common Foods Correctly?

It’s a common struggle. You’re at a restaurant, scanning the menu, and a dish you’ve seen a thousand times catches your eye. You want to order it, maybe even for the 25th time, but how the hell do you know you’re pronouncing it correctly? To keep from embarrassing yourself, you shyly point to the menu item in question while confidently telling your server, “I’ll have that!” It’s the equivalent of not knowing an acquaintance’s name and greeting them with a, “Hey! It’s you!’ Nobody is comfortable.

If this scenario sounds all too familiar, turn your attention to this quiz. With help from the cooking experts at SousvideTools, here’s the diner dictionary you’ve been waiting for. When it comes to these popular foods, does your tongue have an easier time tasting them or rolling them off?

[qzzr quiz=”337236″ width=”100%” height=”auto” redirect=”true” offset=”0″]

 

TFT’s 5 Funniest Moments From Super Bowl Media Day

Brendan Bures
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TFT’s 5 Funniest Moments From Super Bowl Media Day

Super Bowl Media Day isn’t meant to produce answers, just responses. This truth was evident this year once again, as the game took a backseat to wild antics concocted by media and personalities alike.

Here are the five wackiest moments from Super Bowl Media Day.

Cooper Manning’s Money Suit

So while Peyton Manning is retired and his brother Eli was eliminated in the playoffs, it doesn’t mean a Manning brother wasn’t present this year. Introducing Cooper Manning, who works as an analyst for Fox Sports, the network broadcasting the game.

None of this explains why he’s wearing a suit made of money. But life’s greatest joys often don’t need explanation.

Reporters In Costume

We sort of get Cooper Manning’s money suit, or at least why he’d wear it. It’s fly, what more reason do you need? But nobody understands this moment, including the reporters wearing the costumes themselves. And who is interviewing who here? How did that man acquire the Burt Reynolds’ cowboy hat? And how can I buy one?

Fake Tom Brady

We know this was a stunt created by Bleacher Report during Tom Brady’s four-game suspension, but honestly, nope.

Just nope.

Welcome to Good Burger, Home of the Good Burger, May I Take Your Order?

Kel Mitchell, he of Keenan & Kel and All That fame, is a legend just for Pizzaface. Ed, who began as an All That character that spawned the Good Burger movie, made an appearance during the Super Bowl.

The explanation: Probably to promote his live action Nick show Game Shakers.

Guillermo Becomes Our Hero

Is this a sly joke by Guillermo that Super Bowl Media Day is basically one big joke and the answers these players relay are meaningless and might as well be fed into a turkey leg? Who knows. But Guillermo certainly wins the day for this one.

Young Boy Who Ate Gross Donut Will Get $50,000 From Dunkin Donuts

Taylor Berman
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Young Boy Who Ate Gross Donut Will Get $50,000 From Dunkin Donuts

Five and a half years ago, a 7-year-old boy ate a “foul-smelling” donut at a Dunkin Donuts in Fairmount, NY, and his family eventually filed a lawsuit. Earlier this month, the half-decade old dispute was finally settled when the insurance company for the restaurant agreed to pay the boy, now 12, $50,000.

Syracuse.com reports the cashier who sold the family a box of donuts admitted that they smelled rank, but by that time it was too late—the boy had already eaten one. A day later, the boy’s family said he began having facial and eye tics while visiting a state fair.

Doctors at a nearby hospital examined they boy, as did his pediatrician and a neurologist, and all said there was little evidence he would suffer any longterm damage because of one foul donut.

There were apparently other complaints about stinky donuts at the location, but by the time investigators arrived at the store all of the old donuts had been discarded and replaced by ones with no odd smells. The source of the stench remains a mystery.

Regardless, the suit went forward and was finally settled on January 12 when Travellers Insurance said it would pay $50,000, which will be given to the boy when he’s older.

Not a bad payout for eating a weird donut.

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Jogger Stopped At Microsoft After Cops Spot ‘Nude Buttocks Illuminated’

TFT Editors
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Jogger Stopped At Microsoft After Cops Spot ‘Nude Buttocks Illuminated’

Last Friday, police officers on Microsoft’s Redmond, Washington campus had to deal with an unusual incident: A man was spotted jogging at three in the morning wearing only a pair of black sketchers. Officers stopped the man after “seeing nude buttocks illuminated by a streetlight,” according to the police report.


Why would someone be out there doing something like that? Was it a prank for a fraternity? Some sort of new trendy and drunken exercise? Or someone who had simply lost their mind? As it turns out, it was actually just someone trying to prepare for the winter: The Seattle Times reports that the man told police “trying to build up his immune system to fight the cold weather.”

While he could’ve faced charges of indecent exposure, the man was let him go with a warning.

And the Redmond police seem to have a cheeky since of humor about the whole thing.

“We do not have pictures to share of this incident,” they said in a press release. “You are welcome.”

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Here’s A Marijuana Ad You Won’t See This Super Bowl Sunday

Al Olson
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Here’s A Marijuana Ad You Won’t See This Super Bowl Sunday

 

If you tune into the Super Bowl on Sunday, you’re sure to see commercials hawking beer, soda, junk food and lingerie among other consumer goods. What you won’t see? Ads for cannabis.

But it’s not for a lack of trying. Despite being legal in eight states — including Massachusetts, the home state of the favored New England Patriots — marijuana is still too controversial of a topic for mainstream advertising.

But just for the heck of it, let’s review a MarijuanaDoctors.com commercial submitted (and summarily rejected) for last year’s Super Bowl.

In this tongue-in-cheek, 60-second spot was produced in 2014 and the cannabis outfit tried and failed for a high-priced placement in 2016. The ad features a rather hackneyed analogy between buying illicit sushi and black-market weed.

It’s not just marijuana that got the heave-ho from the NFL. Vitamin and supplement retailer GNC planned a 30-second commercial that was rejected by the league because it sells products — synephrine (a stimulant) and DHEA (a steroid) — banned by the NFL. Marijuana is also on the banned substance list.

Over the years, Super Bowl advertising has become a huge revenue stream for TV networks. More than 100 million will watch the telecast. According to Ad Age, spending for commercials last year was roughly $380 million. The cost of a 30-second spot exceeds this year will run $5 million, more than twice the rate of 10 years ago.

Despite being denied pricy air time, the cannabis industry will be in force in Houston over the weekend. Doctors for Cannabis Regulation will have a presence in the Super Bowl city. In addition, the pro-cannabis group is running a national campaign to engage the NFL in hopes of changing the league’s cannabis policy.

The organization’s goal is clear:

In solidarity with many current and former NFL players, we recently submitted an Open Letter to the NFL. We recommend that the NFL and its Physicians Society:

  • treat cannabis like alcohol under the Policy
  • consider medical marijuana as an alternative to opioids for pain management
  • support promising research into potential neuroprotective effects of cannabinoids
  • play a leading role in addressing the overprescription of opioids across the league

The open letter is signed by a host of doctors, researchers and nine former NFL players.

For those of you who enjoy the ads more than the game, here is the list of commercials set for Sunday.

More stories

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How One Man’s Desire To Drink Beer For Charity Is Changing The World

Jacob Uitti
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How One Man’s Desire To Drink Beer For Charity Is Changing The World

What do you do if you a) love beer and b) feel you need to donate money to help the world?

Boston-based freelance writer Will Gordon recently decided to keep track of all the beer he drinks and donate a dollar for each to the ACLU, a nonprofit and nonpartisan legal advocacy program. That’s what we call a win-win. It’s like he’s tipping his bartender, but the bartender is also the ACLU!

The ACLU made headlines this week by leveraging a stay (yay, legal jargon!) on President Trump’s recent Muslim travel ban, rendering it dormant for now. The organization also received $24 million in donations in a recent weekend, six-tuppling (just go with it) their annual donations in mere days.

“I just had this general feeling of impotent rage,” said Gordon to Draft Magazine. “

I’m sitting watching people being detained at airports, and I’m drinking beer and reading Twitter and wondering if I can do anything. And as this was spinning in my head, the ACLU was actively doing something good.

And Gordon’s act has been picked up by others, including John Laffler, from Off Color Brewing.

And still more are getting involved. Folks from Lakefront Brewery in Milwaukee and Mystic Brewery in Massachusetts are pledging donations. And so has Todd Alstrom, founder of Beer Advocate, who announced they will donate $1 to the ACLU for every subscription or renewal.

“There’s a level of guilt associated with drinking beer while all this is going on, beer being such an optional luxury item,” Gordon said to Draft. “I’m certainly not going to stop drinking good beer, but maybe I can use it to mitigate my role in the end of the world.”

Cheers to that!

 

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