If you live in Davis, California and frequent the Wells Fargo, beware of the turkey known as Downtown Tom, who hangs out in the bank’s parking lot. The gobbling bird has, as KCRA reports, been chasing after, aggressively circling, and lunging at people who would just like to go about their business without a big turkey getting in their way.
Some concerned residents have called 911 about the red wattled beast. “Yes, this is almost embarrassing,” one caller told the dispatcher. “I am trying to get into my office on G Street in Davis and I have this huge turkey surrounding my car, circling me and I don’t know what to do. I don’t want to run it over but I can’t stay in my car all morning, is there any advice you can give me?”
"This is almost embarrassing." Wild Turkeys in Davis are so aggressive some residents are calling 911 for help. Audio below. pic.twitter.com/N1zpc8Nr7J
“Hi, um, [gobble noises heard in background] I got a turkey here that just won’t let me leave,” another concerned resident said. “It just put me in a corner and I can’t exactly go anywhere.”
A third caller said, “I can’t leave, I can’t go anywhere [gobble sounds heard]… It’s just standing here, and I’ve got to get somewhere.”
And a fourth caller reported that the turkey came close to physically attacking someone: “Um yeah, so, there’s a turkey between 4th and on 5th and F that’s running around chasing after people. And this was like…it was attacking, pretty much attacking a guy.”
Downtown Tom in action, via KCRA
So what should Davis residents do about the menace Downtown Tom? “Be the dominant species, essentially,” City Wildlife Resource Specialist John McNerney told KCRA. “Don’t let it intimidate you, which can be difficult for some folks.”
If anyone in the area speaks bird, they should warn Downtown Tom and his fellow winged friends that an ordinance passed last week allows the city to euthanize aggressive turkeys, which is bad news for their with Thanksgiving just around the corner.
On “Weekend Update” during last night’s Saturday Night Live, hosts Colin Jost and Michael Che welcomed four people with their backs to the camera—all dressed as though they were in a barbershop quartet—who Jost said had recently won The Voice. One by one, Cubs stars Anthony Rizzo, David Ross, and Dexter Fowler turned around, followed by SNL vet and Cubs superfan Bill Murray.
Jost asked the group to “put into words what it means to be named the first winners of the Weekend Update’s The Voice contest.”
“It’s unbelievable,” Rizzo replied. “I can’t describe it,” said Ross. “It’s the best thing we’ve ever done,” said Fowler.
“You on the end, you look familiar,” Jost asked Murray. “Did you use to work here?”
“I did,” Murray replied. “But that was so many lifetimes ago. Right now, for me, it’s all about our music.”
Murray then announced that they’d be singing an “original composition titled ‘Go Cubs Go.’” With the help of some backup singers, that’s just what they did. Watch the video below.
Later, Rizzo, Ross, and Fowler joined show host Benedict Cumberbatch for a sketch about male strippers dancing for a dead grandmother called “Surprise Bachelorette,” during which the trio made a series of bad baseball/sex puns–“We’re about to hit a ‘Granny Slam’,” Fowler said–before dancing around in skimpy clothes. Watch it below.
Enjoy this while you can, for soon the Chicago Cubs and Bill Murray will become unbearable. But until then, revisit other Murray/Cubs viral moments like the time he crashed a White House press conference, the time he sang a Daffy Duck-inspired rendition of “Take Me Out to the Ballgame,” the time he sang The Band’s “The Weight” with Eddie Vedder, and the time he emotionally and drunkenly interviewed members of the Cubs following their historic victory in the World Series.
On Thursday, WPLG’s Glenna Milberg was reporting live from a neighborhood in Miami when a local kid riding his bike in the background lost his front tire, causing him to eat it face first.
The accident happened as Milberg was discussing the shooting death of Tabitha Jamison, a 21-year-old mother killed Tuesday in a drive-by night. The terrible tragedy of that incident hasn’t stopped video of the bike crash from going viral and earning tens of thousands of views across different social media platforms.
But what about the boy? Aside from a few scratches and maybe some hurt pride, he’s doing just fine according to Milberg.
“For those asking-The boy on the bike who went down face-first in our live shot? He’s just fine (& now famous with his friends),” she wrote on Twitter.
For those asking-The boy on the bike who went down face-first in our live-shot? He's just fine (& now famous with his friends)@WPLGLocal10pic.twitter.com/rsvTVBqpEX
Welcome back to the Week in Hot Messes, your weekly roundup of the strangest, most shocking stories of the the past seven days. Sometimes we’re able to draw together a loose theme for the week, whether it be international crime or animals behaving badly. This week we had no such luck, aside from the typical bizarre behavior of Florida residents. In addition to those clowns, we read about dildos invading NFL fields, farts setting hospitals ablaze, college students having loud sex, British Airways pilots who allegedly masturbated in the cockpit, and violent ends to baby showers. Read on to find out more.
The week began 36,000 feet in the sky, where a pilot allegedly photographed himself masturbating while wearing women’s stockings and looking at porn in the cockpit of at least one British Airways plane. A pilot was, of course, suspended after a British tabloid broke the story, though he’s denied any wrongdoing.
From there we move on to the world of American sports. In addition to the 50,000 wonderful stories about Bill Murray doing Bill Murray things during the World Series, we learned about one recently divorced Chicago couple who battled it out in an emergency court session over tickets to Game 4 of the series. Thankfully, everything worked out for the couple and their son, all of whom ended up with seats at the game.
Then there was the mysterious case of the big, floppy dildo thrown on the field during Sunday’s NFL game between the New England Patriots and the Buffalo Bills. We may never know who threw the sex toy, but we’d like to nominate them as a Fresh Toast Citizen of the Year.
Moving slightly northwest of Buffalo to Toronto, Canada, we were forced to face the terrible reality of a poop-throwing vandal on the loose. As of press time, the feces tosser remained at large. In other international news, a hospital in Japan released the results of a month-long investigation into the cause of a fire last April. The reported culprit? A farting surgery patient, whose flatulence burst into flames after drifting into one of the laser’s being used during the operation.
In happier news, there was the hope-inspiring case of the Syracuse college student who wrote a polite, self-deprecating note to her loud sex-having neighbor asking her to please keep it down. Not only did the neighbor comply, or agree to try to comply, but she also sent a chocolate bar as a peace offering. Maybe there’s hope for us after all.
Except for maybe in Florida, where two Florida men were up to their usual shit this week. The first reportedly left a strip club at 2 a.m., got into his truck, started driving, fell out of his truck, which then ran over the man’s leg and crashed into a nearby house, slightly injuring a 58-year-old woman inside. Then there’s the man who allegedly decided it was a good idea to strip fully nude, climb into his Toyota Camry, strap some sort of wire-covered electronic device to his dick, and slowly drive down a Florida street to harass random people walking by.
And finally, there was the baby shower in Seattle that ended with party-goers observing a pathetic fight between two probably drunk men, one of whom reportedly managed to smash a bottle over his own head while the other allegedly punched through a window instead of his opponent.
We can’t wait to see what Hot Messes election day inspires.
With new music flying like warp-speed through the various channels of the Internet, it can be hard to keep up. But worry not! Each week The Fresh Toast will deliver the most-discussed and exciting songs that have recently dropped. Landed. Crashed. And also: soared. Enjoy.
Big Sean—“No More Interviews” and “Bounce Back”
Big Sean always has the distinct sound of someone with something to prove. He’s perpetually slighted, either because of his spot in hip hop or an ex or numerous other reasons. This underdog tone produces various results: sometimes he acts a little extra like on 2011’s syrupy-but-satisfying Finally Famous and sometimes it results in him rapping his ass off like 2015’s stellar Dark Sky Paradise.
He released two songs this week with a similar bent: “No More Interviews” and “Bounce Back.” The first is an airing-out of dirty laundry and resulted in some serious social buzz for Big Sean. With shots at Kid Cudi and ex Naya Rivera, it was sort of inevitable. But it’s a pretty dull song. Sean raps monotone, which sounds like a put-on effect to convey how *over* he is talking about this. We get it, Sean—you’re bored. So are we.
“Bounce Back” is much more preferable. Metro Boomin delivers that bounce on production. Sean really extends that “Bounce Back” metaphor farther than it probably should go, but this time his imaginative wit works in his favor. Hopefully he realizes the difference here: The reason a record like “IDFWU” went triple platinum (other than Kanye’s producing), is because Sean places the listener in that relatable position. You’re pissed at an ex and got something to say. His high-school gossiping just aren’t that interesting. (By the way, I feel similar about Drake’s “Two Birds, One Stone.” Surface-level rap beefs have been stale. But yeah, Aubrey still pulls wins with records like “Fake Love” and 21 Savage-featuring “Sneakin’.”)
Future ft. Drake—“Used to This”
Do either of these two ever slow down? As flat as their 2015 collaboration What A Time To Be Alive was in its entirety, that record still produced some smash hits. They deserve some credit for that. It almost makes you forgive the rest of the mediocrity of that project.
“Used to This” sees Future and Drake rapping from the top of rap’s peak. It sounds like what they attempted embodying on WATTBA. This will probably be a big radio record. But two big notes: This music video needs to calm down with the lens flares. Second, why does Drake blink so much when he serious-raps? Watch when he stops singing in the video. He blinks like a hundred million times in five seconds. Why Aubrey?
Japandroids—“Near To The Wild Heart of Life”
Five years is a long time, but that will be the time span between Japandroids’ Celebration Rock and their third record Near To The Wild Heart of Life. They released the eponymous single this week and it’s a thankful return to form. It’s big time arena-rock and absolutely bangs. It also gives a rehashing of the band’s origins. We’re glad the Japandroids didn’t wait any longer to deliver.
Bruno Mars—“Versace On The Floor”
Ballad Bruno Mars isn’t as cool as hit-single Bruno Mars, but is no less a success. Bruno Mars’ 24K Magic record is really shaping up to be some old-school pop nostalgia intertwining with modern pop accessories. Here Bruno dips into the pools of singer-songwriters like Billy Joel and Elton John and doesn’t let their influence outstrip what makes Bruno exciting.
Kevin Abstract—“Miserable America”
This dude is really one of the most exciting new voices in music. His version of pop rap or rap pop or whatever genre-busting thing you want to call his records probably doesn’t go far enough. When describing the new hip-hop generation, the biggest quality they all possess in adding melody to their raps. The cue is obvious—hi, Kid Cudi and Drake—but none really produce bolder sonic varieties and narratives than what Abstract’s doing currently. His debut album American Boyfriend comes out Nov. 18. We’re really anticipating this one.
Gucci Mane ft. Quavo—“Floor Seats”
This record could be considered incredible solely because of its artwork. Quavo kills nearly every hook he’s on. And it’s Guwop. You either love this song before you heard it or not. We’re firmly in the former camp.
Colin Blunstone…Rod Argent…The Zombies – two seasoned pop veterans, backed by an exemplary band, with a show that not only pays open tribute to the much cherished highlights of their unequaled musical legacy, but also continues the tradition with new music cut from the same cloth: a treat for pop fans any way you slice it.
We get it, Cristiano Ronaldo. You’re sexier than like 150% of the world’s population. When you look that good, of course you’re going to show it off. But we ask, can you find just some chill in your posing?
Thanks to the folks at Style for the tip, but Ronaldo really likes to go for it in his modelling. Now everyone likes to stunt and flex on social media, but Ronaldo really likes it. His Twitter feed features much of his posing for the fashion world. Lucky for him, he happens to be really, really ridiculously good-looking. You don’t pose that often in your underwear if you aren’t.
You know the debate over marijuana regulation is full mainstream when it hits innocuous daytime television.
On an episode of the syndicated midday TV staple “The Doctors,” Jesse Ventura, former Navy SEAL, Minnesota governor and professional wrestler, emphatically endorsed legalization.
The longtime advocate for the plant was on the program promoting his book “Jesse Ventura’s Marijuana Manifesto.” During the airing of the show, shared how his wife was suffering from epileptic seizures up to three times a day. After unsuccessfully trying numerous medications over the years, his wife began treating her seizures with medical marijuana.
Her seizures stopped, Ventura said, and his wife is no longer taking pharmaceutical medications for her condition.
“My life was given back to me,” he said. “I don’t want anyone else out there suffering, that doesn’t have to suffer.”
In his book, Ventura calls for an end to the War on Drugs.
“Just because something is illegal, that doesn’t mean it goes away, it just means that criminals run it,” he says.
Marijuana legalization opponent Kevin Sabet, executive director of Project SAM, was also on the program, making the argument that cannabis regulation is akin to “Big Tobacco.”
Hollis Brown has toured extensively in America and Europe, headlining and supporting such bands as The Zombies, Jackie Greene, Heartless Bastards, Rich Robinson of Black Crowes, and Jesse Malin, and building an impressive fan base on both continents.
As legendary Cubs announcer Harry Caray once said…
It’s fall, the Cubs not only went to the World Series, they WON it, and now Caray’s grave is covered in dozens of green apples from loyal fans across the city. Maybe it’s time to stock-up! From fresh pressed apple ciders, to cheddar topped pies and tarts, there will be plenty of other reasons to pick-up a bundle of fresh green apples this season, but none will be this memorable. If an apple a day keeps the doctor away, I wonder what this Harvest Dark & Stormy Cocktail with Green Apple Ginger Puree will do to keep the Cubs Curse at bay…..
Harvest Dark & Stormy
(Makes 1 Cocktail)
1½ ounces dark/aged or spiced rum
1 ounce Green Apple Ginger Puree (recipe follows)
½ ounce fresh lemon juice
1½ – 2 ounces ginger beer
Garnish: candied ginger and apple slice on a pick
Measure the rum, puree, and lemon juice into a mixing glass and fill with ice, cap and shake vigorously. Pour drink into a tall glass, top with ginger beer and give a quick stir. Garnish with the candied ginger and apple slice.
Green Apple Ginger Puree
(Makes 20 oz)
2 Granny Smith apples, diced ½-inch (about 3 cups)
2 Tablespoons minced fresh ginger
1½ cups water
1½ cups sugar
Measure the apples, ginger, water and sugar into a saucepan. Bring to a boil then reduce to a simmer for about 5 minutes or until apples are very tender. Remove pan from heat and let cool to room temperature.
Once cooled, pour contents into a Vitamix blender cup and blend until smooth (#5 setting on Vitamix The Quiet One Blender).
Store refrigerated for up to 7 days.
Want to see the drink being made it action? I’ve got you covered.
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Kathy Casey is a chef, mixologist, and is known as the Original Bar Chef. Her newest book is D’Llish Deviled Eggs, which is a great accompaniment to any cocktail. Follow Kathy on Twitter and Instagram. For more great cocktail recipes, visit www.LiquidKitchen.com.
