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Your Ghoulish Guide To 31 October Days Of Streaming Horror Films

Sam Jones
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Your Ghoulish Guide To 31 October Days Of Streaming Horror Films

Ah, October is suddenly, spookily here. The leaves are changing color. There’s a chill in the air. A breeze scrapes a branch across our window. The lamp flickers and… What the hell was that noise?

It’s the most wonderful time of the year to cut the lights and get cozy for a scary movie. Let our streaming picks be your spirit guide: Odd dates are Netflix; evens are Amazon Prime. Blood-curdling chills are every day of the month!

Oct. 1

Let’s ease into it with a Saturday matinee buddy horror-comedy.

Tucker and Dale vs. Evil: Good ol’ boys get way misunderstood when pesky kids crash their cabin.

Oct. 2

Tusk: A podcast host gets in over his head. Walrus weirdness.

Oct. 3

Event Horizon: Don’t go after missing spaceships on rescue missions years after everyone is presumed dead. Just don’t.

Oct. 4

The Wishmaster: An evil genie escapes from an ancient statue, and makes a mess of everything.

Oct. 5

The Host: A toxic-mutated monster kidnaps a snack bar owner’s daughter.

Oct. 6

Spirit Camp: This is “Friday the 13th meets Bring It On,” says the movie’s description. We’re in.

Oct. 7

The Shrine: Stay away from ancient statues.

Oct. 8

A week in, let’s take a break from the gore to get classic.

Plan 9 From Outer Space: A cult film considered one of the worst, if not THE worst, movie ever made. Not “scary” but scarily bad.

Oct. 9

Zombeavers: Undead woodland creatures and a lot of campiness.

Oct. 10

The Voices: Ryan Reynolds and evil talking pets. Adorable horror ensues?

Oct. 11

Alright, you’ve had your break. Let’s get back at it with the watch-through-your-fingers horror.

Hush: A deaf writer lives alone in the woods, miles from the nearest neighbor. Until that neighbor gets axed and shit gets real.

Oct. 12

After Dark: Why are these kids always going to the woods for spring break? Stop that!

Oct. 13

Darkroom: When you’re fresh out of rehab, of course taking a job in a mansion home to evil siblings is the logical next step.

(Bonus) 13 Assassins: It’s not Friday, but it is the 13th, and this is about badass samurai warriors so it gets a pass for not being “horror.”

Oct. 14

Don’t Look Now: A trip to Venice for a grieving couple turns out to be anything but romantic.

Oct. 15

Stung: If you have a fear of bees, you’ll want to keep the lights on and the remote handy.

Oct. 16

Avarice: An obnoxious kid unleashes the evil hiding in his attic. God dammit.

Oct. 17

Bound To Vengeance: If you love to root for the good guys, this thriller about a woman escaping from a predator’s basement is your jam.

Oct. 18

The Unbroken: Creepy little boys appearing in mirrors? Major “nope.”

Oct. 19

Holidays: Eight short, festive and horror-filled scaries to keep your Wednesday curfew. 

Oct. 20

Lake Fear: Your reminder to start hydrating now for Halloween!

Oct. 21

The Exorcist: You gotta watch this classic at least once this season.

Oct. 22

The Clinger: If you’re frantically looking for a Halloween-party date, this’ll make you consider going solo.

Oct. 23

The Houses October Built: Friends building a haunted house get more than they asked for.

Oct. 24

The Occupant: Sometimes rent-controlled Manhattan apartments come with baggage. Like evil, murderous spirits.

Oct. 25

Deathgasm: Plenty of last-minute costume ideas to be had, here.

Oct. 26

Haunted Shore: A small town, a shipwreck, a mysterious woman named Veronica and disappearing young men. Nothing can go wrong for the protagonist here.

Oct. 27

The Babadook: Yes you’ve heard a lot about this one, and yes it is worth your viewing. With the lights on, maybe.

Oct. 28

The Gremlins: Take it way back to 80s Halloween memories with this nostalgia bomb.

Oct. 29

Hellions: Get in the trick-or-treat mood with packs of evil children roaming the neighborhood.

Oct. 30

Hellraiser: True 80s cult classic gore and horror.

Oct. 31

Children of the Corn: Are those kids knocking on your door to be trusted? No. Nope. Never.

Meet The 31-Pound Cat Who Guards A New Hampshire Hotel

Taylor Berman
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Meet The 31-Pound Cat Who Guards A New Hampshire Hotel

New Hampshire is known for a lot of things: granite, Bernie Sanders, living free or dying. Now the state has a new claim to fame: Logan, the 31-pound cat who keeps watch over the Best Western Silver Fox Inn in Waterville Valley.

Susan and Tor Brunvand, who own the inn, adopted Logan six years ago from a local animal shelter. He was a normal-sized cat at first, the Brunvands told the Associated Press, but he kept eating and growing larger. They had him tested at a local vet to make sure nothing was seriously wrong, but he was, aside from his extreme obesity, a healthy cat. The Brunvands also have two other normal-sized cats, so it’s not like they were over-feeding him or don’t know how to raise animals with healthy BMIs.

“He has a bad metabolism,” Susan Brunvand explained. “Once he did not eat for a month after a fight with a feral cat, but he just lost a pound even though he did not eat.”

Logan gained international fame last week when a guest at the inn posted a video of Logan sauntering through the parking lot and trying, unsuccessfully, to roll his massive body over. The video went viral, and has since been viewed over 30 million times. Not that Logan is too worried about being a cat celebrity or his enormous weight.

“He is one of the happiest, easiest cats I’ve ever had,” Brunvand said. “He doesn’t think he’s fat.”

Genius Barfight: Watch Angry French Man Destroy Apple Store

Brendan Bures
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Genius Barfight: Watch Angry French Man Destroy Apple Store

You would be forgiven for mistaking this French man as the villain in a B-class action thriller. Without warning, he ambles into the Apple Store in Dijon, France, carrying his choice of weapon: a small metal ball. In true villainous fashion, it’s a ball from the French game pétanque, perverting a device of joy into one of destruction. With that weapon, he destroys multiple Apple devices, inciting chaos.

But turns out dude just wanted revenge against some alleged poor customer service! According to The Next Web, this disgruntled man was “heard talking about ‘his consumer’s right’ and citing that he’s unhappy with how Apple handles his support case.”

A security team took him into police custody, reports Le Journal.

I mean, we live in a capitalistic consumer society; chances are you’ve run against the bureaucratic madness of calling service providers who demand you call like 5,000 departments until you reach the one person who begrudgingly helps you out. I’ve literally just paid late fees to avoid this soul-crushing nightmare. Or, perhaps, in that eff-your-politeness tone they state, “There’s nothing more we can do for you at this time.”

Anyways, all I’m suggesting, is that maybe this guy isn’t such a villain. Maybe he’s poor, bruised man battered by an unjust system…

Though, come on, plot your vengeance a little better, dude. Watch how many times he adjusts his backpack, flopping around because he’s wearing just one strap. Now is not the time to be hip! You’re smashing iPhones and Macbooks with a steel ball! You’re already doing the cool thing! Plus you’re wearing sunglasses inside! And just one earbud plugged in! Too many cool signifiers! Don’t be extra, bro!

Also, while you’re ranting about the system, we totally see you missing that Hulk Smash at the :50 mark. It’s all good, though. Just tweet through it, fam.

There’s a ton of tiny delights throughout this video—like the way our French hero/villain standing petulantly like a child, trying to sneak back into the store—so be sure to watch multiple times. Remember him the next time you’re in the middle of a 40-minute hold waiting to speak with a customer service rep.  He did this for all of us.

Posted By: Brendan Bures

Old Man Who Punched Baby In The Face: I Thought The Baby Was A Toy Doll

Taylor Berman
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Old Man Who Punched Baby In The Face: I Thought The Baby Was A Toy Doll

Earlier this month, a 63-year-old man punched a five-day-old baby in a Tesco supermarket in Manchester, England. David Hardy, who was arrested and charged with common assault, admitted in court yesterday to hitting the infant but claims it was simply a case of mistaken identity: He thought the baby was a toy doll.

“This is an extremely unusual case,” Hardy’s defense attorney Chris Fallows said. “This defendant effectively a family man who has young children in the family and does not behave in a way that is suggested to this allegation. The crown suggest Mr. Hardy deliberately punched a five-day-old baby to the face in a carry cot in a shopping trolley. The defendant says he believed – and this belief was prior to the incident – that he thought it was a doll.”

“It is conceded by the defendant that what occurred was unusual, bizarre and he acted rather foolishly, he added. “The prosecution suggest that this was intentional.”

The Daily Mail reports the bizarre attack happened on September 5, the first time Amy Duckers had taken her newborn baby out in public. She was reportedly talking with a neighbor she ran into at the store when Hardy punched her daughter, Elsie Temple.

Elsie “was left extremely upset,” as the Daily Mail put it, and taken to a local hospital, where she was monitored for nine hours for any possible head injuries.

‘Words cannot describe how I feel right now, and still can’t get my head around what has happened in front of me and my poor Libby,” Duckers wrote in a Facebook post shortly after the attack. ‘No one can get their head around why this was done, other than he’s very sick, twisted, vile, not well man, and his excuse was he thought she was a doll.”

Hardy will face trial next month.

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These Are My Broke Goals

Reggie Wade
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These Are My Broke Goals

Growing up, we never had much money. I was raised by a single mother who did everything she could. We had a roof over our head and food on the table, but the luxuries in life were often out of reach.

Occasionally my mother would save up some money and we would buy a used car or get cable. I would think: Wow this is what having more money does? This is awesome! Especially the cable.

Today I work as a writer. And like most writers, I’m broke. On the plus side, writers are also the most passionate and generous lovers to ever walk this planet. But since the good Lord apparently chose to make me good at sex instead of good at money, I’ve had to keep my other dreams as just that: dreams. Among my most persistent dreams is the one where I actually have some scratch. Not, like, buckets of the stuff—just enough to change my life slightly. I call these: My Broke Goals.

Having Verizon Wireless

GIF via Giphy
GIF via Giphy

This has long been a dream of mine since I walked into a Verizon Wireless store years ago, and was asked for my social security number to run a credit check. Credit check?! I’m trying to buy a phone, not secure a loan to buy an oil field in Nigeria. If I need good credit just to play Candy Crush, then I’m out of luck. Just because I’ve defaulted on every loan I’ve ever taken out — that means I should be denied the basic human right to have an iPhone? What has this world come to?

Ordering something other than a special at a restaurant

Photo via Pexels
Photo via Pexels

Just once I would like to go to a restaurant and have money be no option. I don’t like the fact that I have to look at the specials — but that’s just my reality. I dream of the day where I could get what I want, not what I can afford. I dream of a day where I can gladly say: “Yes, I’ll have an appetizer.”

The soft-drink-pace struggle is real.

What appetizers would I have? Anything involving shrimp! Seafood, after all, is really expensive! And I’ll know I’ve really arrived when I no longer have to ask if the refills are free! I get very thirsty when I eat, and I have to know going in if I have to pace my soft drink. There, I said it. The soft-drink-pace struggle is real.

 Being able to respond to plans quicker

GIF via Giphy
GIF via Giphy

Many people think I’m late to respond to plans because I’m lazy or don’t like them. That couldn’t be further from the truth. I’m late responding to plans because I’m broke. “Thank you for inviting me to the new superhero movie, I would love to go, but I don’t know if I have enough to cover the IMAX glasses that you insist we use. What’s wrong with standard definition?” But if I say that — I come off looking broke, which I am. I just don’t want other people to know I’m broke. Maybe I shouldn’t have written this piece. So the next time you’re wondering why I’m dragging my feet to respond to your paintball invitation, it’s not because I don’t like your new girlfriend, it’s because they charge extra for the good goggles.

Putting premium gas in my car

Photo via skitterphoto
Photo via skitterphoto

I’ve been a car owner for many years, and never once have I put anything in my tank above regular. One day, just one day, I want the satisfaction of pulling into my local gas station and seeing the look on the guy’s face when I say premium instead of regular. Will he think I got a promotion? Will he think I just robbed the bank? Will he not give a crap because he’s pumping my gas and probably broker than me? I have a lot of questions I’d like answered!

Entering a store with intent—rather than just empty pockets

GIF via Giphy
GIF via Giphy

Most people who are broke know window shopping is often the closest they get to actual shopping. For me, it’s gotten to the point that if I go to my local mall and just look at enough items, I feel like I’ve actually gone shopping. The best is when you go to a store and ask about the prices of things, knowing full well you have no money. Even if that leather jacket you’re eyeing cost three bucks (unlikely!), it wouldn’t make any difference, because you have no dollars! As in: zero. And the store workers know this. How? Because you keep going to the same stores and never buying anything.

I had to wait until I was 16 and had a part-time job so I could buy my own Jordan’s.

Since I was a kid I have always loved Air Jordan’s. They were the ultimate status symbol growing up. If you had Jordan’s back in the day, that meant your family had money. It’s funny thinking about that now, because most of us lived in the housing projects, so how much money did our folks really have? My mother refused to buy me a sneaker so expensive. I had to wait until I was 16 and had a part-time job so I could buy my own Jordan’s.

Now Jordan’s seem like a distant dream. No chance of me buying them any time soon. But that’s okay—at least I can always go online window shopping.

 

Spotify, Apple Music, TIDAL and YouTube Have All Made Recent Moves: What You Need To Know

Brendan Bures
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Spotify, Apple Music, TIDAL and YouTube Have All Made Recent Moves: What You Need To Know

Our idols are plotting against us. Spotify, Apple Music, TIDAL and YouTube need us to pledge our pennies on the dollar toward their music because otherwise this thing we love cannot exist.

To listen to our favorite artists, we often must register for multiple streaming services. Exclusives drain fans. And top-selling artists like Chance the Rapper and Drake, who released projects with a small two-week Apple Music exclusive window, aren’t without blame.

When Prince passed away earlier this year, Purple One followers flocked to TIDAL, the only service with rights to stream Prince’s extensive catalogue. Fans could of course use TIDAL’s free one-month trial to mourn Prince; that is, if they hadn’t used that trial when Beyoncé released scorched-earth, no-she-really-dissing-Jay-it’s-cray monument Lemonade.

Even previous “free” streaming services like SoundCloud and YouTube flipped the script this year, introducing a paywall tier to listen to some of your favorite internet artists. I mean, have you been to an artist’s SoundCloud page lately? To find those five or six random SoundCloud drops requires eons of scrolling to reach the loosies.

This is probably why Spotify maintains its massive dominance in the streaming era: it was fast on the scene and its sleek interface never encumbers users. While it was a bit of a PR stunt, Spotify surely won fans over when global head of communication and public policy for Spotify Jonathan Prince said, “We believe long-term exclusives are bad for artists and they’re bad for fans.” Spotify is almost like your mother: It won’t fight for your love because they know it’s already theirs. After all, it brought you into this (streaming) world.

But here’s the bad news: things have only become more complicated recently. Consolidation, rumors, and Lyor Cohen might only make things worse. Confused? We don’t blame you. Here’s what you should know to help untangle all these crossed wires.

Lyor Cohen joins YouTube

The News: YouTube has named industry veteran Lyor Cohen the company’s global head of music. Cohen founded 300, the label where hip hop’s newest stars Young Thug and Fetty Wap reside. He also serves as the company’s CEO, and will continue in that role until Dec. 5 when the label “will transition Lyor’s day-to-day responsibilities to the leadership team within the company.”

While Cohen will eventually step down as 300’s CEO, he will remain its largest individual stakeholder.

What This Means: YouTube isn’t in a great spot. With their users, or the music industry, which is upset at the platform once again. The industry’s frustrated because it believes YouTube doesn’t pay them enough, and raised hell when YouTube announced its Music App and paid service YouTube Red. As Canadian singer-songwriter put it, “I love YouTube, but they are under-paying and exploiting creators and getting away with it.”

So Cohen, with his decades of experience at Def Jam and Warner Music Group, will be tasked with bridging that gap. YouTube isn’t the first to pull this move either. Apple Music brought in Jimmy Iovine, and his 25 years at Interscope, and Spotify recently hired Troy Carter—through his Atom Factory company he managed Lady Gaga and Charlie Pruth—as global head of creator services.

As Cohen wrote in a letter to his new YouTube Music team: “I’m confident that we can bridge the worlds of technology and music in ways that benefit everyone, instead of the zero-sum mentality that exists today.” Will this mean Thug and Fetty Wap will drop on YouTube? Who knows! But TIDAL and Apple Music have debuted multiple exclusive music videos on their platforms this year—don’t be surprised if YouTube tries to get in that game somehow.

Spotify in talks to ‘take over’ SoundCloud

The News: According to the Financial Times, Spotify is in advanced negotiations to acquire rival SoundCloud. Valued at $700 million, it’s not a cheap move for Spotify. While Spotify hit 100 million users this summer, a huge milestone, only 40 million of those subscribers are paid users. By comparison, Apple Music announced September it has 17 million paid subscribers. TIDAL, reportedly, has surpassed 1 million.

What This Means: SoundCloud has something every streaming platform desperately craves: users. SoundCloud claims to have 175 million users. A bit generous? Some overlap with Spotify subscribers? Sure, but even half of that number could be a huge boon for Spotify.

What’s more is what SoundCloud offers that no other service provides: the rare, the remixes, the archived radio shows, the DJ sets. As ReCode explains, “Instead of the 30 million tracks that most services offer, SoundCloud says it has 125 million.” Spotify could give SoundCloud the business structure it’s desperately needed to monetize its platform.

Will SoundCloud lose what makes it special in the process? Namely, being a user-friendly host to a wealth of artists? Hopefully not. But the acquisition would surely benefit both parties.

Apple Music denies TIDAL rumors

The News: Rumors have swirled that Apple Music might acquire TIDAL for the past few months. It really heated because of one person’s brash openness on the subject. Who? Kanye, of course.

https://twitter.com/kanyewest/status/759436006810460160?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw

https://twitter.com/kanyewest/status/759449038097747968?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw

But head of Apple Music Jimmy Iovine squashed those rumors two weeks ago, telling Buzzfeed News, “We’re really running our own race. We’re not looking to acquire any streaming services.”

What This Means: As a business plan, these two pairing up makes the most sense. They both deal in exclusive content from artists and could create a quasi-monopoly on that strategy. In addition to just plain-old exclusives, Apple Music has its Beats 1 Radio shows and TIDAL boasts behind-the-scenes artist documentaries and artist-generated playlists.

Moreover, TIDAL could use the help. Jay Z’s streaming service reported $28 million in losses for 2015 and who knows they’d report for 2016 without pop monoliths like Rihanna, Kanye, and Beyoncé. Apple Music, meanwhile, has some of pop music’s other biggest stars like Frank Ocean, Drake, and Chance the Rapper. All the artists released watershed projects this year and it would be a pretty convincing argument if they were all housed under one streaming platform.

A couple things are now clear: Despite industry pressure to do otherwise, Apple Music wants to continue chasing exclusives. And the streaming wars are far from over.

How Mac Miller Grew Up—And Grew Into ‘The Divine Feminine’

Brendan Bures
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How Mac Miller Grew Up—And Grew Into ‘The Divine Feminine’

Mac Miller paused, contemplating the question. He seemed unsure. Not about his answer, but if he should admit it aloud. “What emotion do you want to explore next in your music?” a fan had asked at CRWN, rap journalist Elliott Wilson’s interviewing series with artists like Mac Miller.

The moment occurred within Miller’s press tour for GOOD:AM, his previous record. Conversations and narratives around that album involved the artist’s waking up from the demons and poor lifestyle choices that had become his routine. It eventually led to his drunk-dialing super producer and music guru Rick Rubin one night, and then escaping to Rubin’s Shrang Li studios. The spot has served as refuge for some of your favorite artists—Bob Dylan, Adele, Kanye West, among them—and did so for Miller, as well.

It showed in his work. “Wondering how I got this high, fell asleep, and forgot to die,” he rapped on GOOD:AM’s Miguel-assisted “Weekend.” That record served as equal parts drunken confessional and brash revival for Miller. He seemed to empty part of himself on those tracks, leaving behind the Los Angeles druggy smog and psyche-exploring queries that had recently defined his work and led to his moving into a Williamsburg apartment. Changing his environment, he was. But how would this reflect in the music? Where could he go next?

“Love,” Miller eventually answered at CRWN, his cigarette-stained voice quavering a bit. The crowd slightly pulled back, unsure what this direction meant for Miller, but the more he discussed exploring love in its various forms, the more visibly excited he grew.

A lot has changed for Mac Miller since then. He’s become sober, he moved back to L.A., he’s dating pop star Ariana Grande. But he cites this moment as when he knew he wanted to create the album that would become The Divine Feminine.

The record sounds unlike anything Miller’s ever produced. It fits in with the acid jazz- and funk-infused waves that fellow artists Anderson .Paak and Kendrick Lamar have sampled. Unsurprising then that both make memorable appearances on the record, but within new contexts. For example: With a Kendrick Lamar feature, you expect bars. But Kendrick sings the raspy hook to “God Is Fair, Sexy, Nasty,” a passionate ballad, crooning his plea into a woman’s body, his only salvation.

Miller’s collaborations include an impressive list of performers from outside hip hop’s realm. He’s recruited cats like contemporary funk god Dâm-Funk to play keytar, as well as  jazz studs like pianist Robert Glasper and trumpeter Keyon Harrold. String arrangements from Julliard orchestras and bass lines from “Brainfeeder” alien Thundercat (though Miller calls him a close friend) provide depth and flair. By the time Cee-Lo Green graces “We,” instilling some serious soul vibes, it’s not shocking anymore just who Miller flies into his orbit. It all makes sense.

What surprises, then, is how little of Miller’s previous personas appear on The Divine Feminine. On his Faces mixtape and Watching Movies With The Sound Off album, Miller smashed himself into pieces through his multiple vices and, like a kid picking up a new toy, discovered what was left. He even tried performing as new characters, like on his Delusional Thomas mixtape, which turned darker and stranger, Miller distorting his voice throughout to sound nothing like him. Shedding the mainstream “frat rapper” that defined his earlier career, yes, but also lost, beset by the same identity-fracturing struggles so common of those in their early 20s. His glorified drug usage fell in line with those fellow hedonism chasers, muting qualities of himself he didn’t like, praying a solution would fall from the sky. He rushed inward, ignoring his fears and responsibilities lurking on the outside.

Creating from all that pain and confusion gained him critical adoration and a dope catalogue, sure, but by GOOD:AM he sounded exhausted by himself. Like he was asking, “We’re still talking about this, about me?” He’s admitted as such in recent interviews, and it shows in the new project.

Though much speculation abounds over whether new girlfriend Ariana Grande added extra inspiration for the album—hers is the first voice we hear, asking “Where are you?”—the songs taps into a more universal expression. Personal specifics flitter through, but the record interests itself in the conceptual and the ethereal. This isn’t like Beyoncé’s Lemonade or Kanye’s My Beautiful Dark Twisted Fantasy, where we know the “you” character on trial. It’s simultaneously everyone and none of the females on the planet.

Which is probably great, considering how downright dirty and explicit this album is. If there’s supposed to be a limitation on the amount of times a man can reference a woman’s sexual organs, Miller blows right past it. And it’s not metaphorical: he doesn’t mince his words. This is grown folk’s music. No kids or childish concerns are allowed.

The record doesn’t dwell on one idea for long, either. Though Miller delivers blue-eyed lines like “I felt the highs and they felt like you” on opener “Congratulations” and “You in my dreams, that’s why I sleep all the time” on Ty Dolla $ign-assisted standout “Cinderella,” he moves on quickly, not obsessing over the thoughts. He’s more interested in his ideas and settling into the feel-good vibes the production provides. Whereas on tracks like “Dang!” he might’ve rapped his face off previously, he settles into the groove, letting the flow happen, not forcing anything.

To a large degree the album sounds like acceptance. Mac Miller sounds pretty happy, actually. His concept of love offers a wide embrace, ranging from the eternal to the bedroom. He doesn’t have all the answers. But that’s okay. He has love. Even, finally, for himself.

8 Novelty Burgers That Might Kill You

Amy Hansen
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8 Novelty Burgers That Might Kill You

It’s no secret that hamburgers aren’t the healthiest choice on the menu. But it’s also true that they are often the tastiest choice. So get your defibrillator and Diet Coke ready, because these are some of the most unhealthy burgers available anywhere. (Note: best not to consume before operating heavy machinery or otherwise needing to be alert.)

1. The Meat Mountain
Arby’s
This secret menu item available at select Arby’s outlets contains every type of meat they offer stuffed into a bun with cheddar and swiss cheese. You know, for lube. This herculean sandwich is compiled of chicken tenders, ham, roast turkey, corned beef, steak, brisket, roast beef, and bacon. They should have called it Noah’s Ark for all the animals that gave their life for this monstrosity. An almost guaranteed ride in an ambulance will only set you back $10.

https://www.instagram.com/p/ww8JzRuO3f/

2. The Quad Burger
Shake Shack
While most people are happy with a burger and a shake, you can show them who’s really a fast food boss by adding four patties to any Shake Shack’s burgers. Just tell them you want a Quad Burger. You’re probably going to need a nap afterwards. May we recommend some light reading to lull you to sleep?

https://www.instagram.com/p/9TYhTsp0ns/

3. Red Ramen Burger
Red Robin
Not one to shy away from the absurd, the beloved burger chain has introduced a “limited time only” version of the NYC ramen burger that’s credited with starting it all. The Red Robin version is a combination of meat, sodium, fried jalapenos, cabbage, and something called Teriyaki and Chiu Chow aioli. The chewy sauce-covered noodle-y concoction actually renders the beef patty useless. Red Robin should consider making this a meatless option.

Photo courtesy of Red Robin
Photo courtesy of Red Robin

4. Mac & Cheese Attack
Rockit Burger Bar
This is kind of a big deal burger in Chicago, where it was invented in 2013. Outside of the deep-fried mac and cheese bun, the ingredients are pretty unspectacular: a quarter pound black Angus patty, lettuce, tomato, scallions, sriracha and ketchup. It should be noted that the mac and cheese is made with four types of cheese: cheddar, Gorgonzola, Parmesan and cheddar jack. But, hey, this burger is served with a side salad, so it’s all okay.

https://www.instagram.com/p/BDeW–FynBd/

5. Cray-Z Burger
The Big E
One of the reasons people come to The Big E, otherwise known as New England’s Great State Fair, is for the hyper popular Cray-Z Burger. Introduced in 2009 before the doughnut burger frenzy hit, the Cray-Z Burger isn’t really all that crazy. It’s just a bacon cheeseburger with a glazed doughnut bun. But as far as fair food goes, it’s not deep-fried and/or served on a stick and/or topped with whipped cream, which makes it seem extra special and probably much healthier than it is.

https://www.instagram.com/p/3O4yKFPGNE/

6. Funnel Cake Burger
Florida State Fair
“Doughnut burgers? Nice try,” said Florida State Fair organizers. While the Big E is an understated slice of Americana, this burger is an “in your face” take on traditional fair food and tips the nutritional scales at more than 1,400 calories. It’s really just a bacon cheeseburger in between two glazed funnel cakes, but it looks insane, which is state fair protocol. Still, it would have been nice to see the Fried Ice Cream Cheeseburger make the cut this year, but then again, the Florida State Fair might already be responsible for a spike in heart attacks in Tampa every February. So, yeah.

http://www.instagram.com/p/zD3lFPJyCU/

7. Portabella Crispy Onion Pretzel Burger
Ruby Tuesday
This delicious heart-attack-waiting-to-happen clocks in at nearly 1,700 calories. Talk about a Whopper! How they came up with this concoction is as big a mystery as the misspelled name. Yes, there are portobello mushrooms, but they definitely take a backseat to the beef patty, fried onions, Swiss cheese and pretzel bun that encases this monster. Proceed with extreme caution.

https://www.instagram.com/p/eNndSWO4KP/

8. EB&D Loaded Up & Truckin’ Burger
Smoke
What has basically become a Texas landmark, this teetering masterpiece comes courtesy of Smoke chef-owner Tim Byres, whose culinary trademark relies heavily on his wood grill and smoke pit. He’s so brilliant at smoking he wrote a James Beard Award winning book about it called… Smoke. Almost everything on his menu is smoked and cured, including this burger, served with a farm egg fritter, thick smoked bacon and smoked sharp cheddar on a homemade roll. A perfect last meal.

http://www.instagram.com/p/BHCvSFxA_3K/

Posted By: Julien Perry

7 Reasons Why Barack Obama Is Our Foodiest President Ever

Jillian Peterson
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7 Reasons Why Barack Obama Is Our Foodiest President Ever

When Obama leaves office, he’ll be creating a void that’s never been felt in the wake of another president: an appreciation for good food.

The New Yorker recently wrote about what Barack Obama has done for food and besides the obvious implementations of healthier eating and nutritional information requirements at schools and chain restaurants, the man is just as comfortable around foreign delicacies as he is around burgers and hot dogs. Yes, he is kind of a health nut, but he’s also a foodie (with a weakness for pub grub). In honor of his debunked 7-almond habit, here are seven reasons he will be remembered as somewhat of an epicure.

1. He loves nachos
In the premiere episode of Season 7 of Comedians In Cars Getting Coffee, Obama joined Jerry Seinfeld at the White House where they drank from a Mr. Coffee and talked about mundane everyday things,  like the President’s underwear drawer and what his food vice is.

Jerry: “Even though you seem very relaxed, you gotta go off at some point with food. What’s your thing?”

Obama: “Nachos! that’s one of those where I have to have it taken away. I’ll have guacamole coming out of my eyeballs.” (see, that’s him below, pointing to his eyeball).

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2. He impressed Anthony Bourdain with his ramen skills
In Sunday’s season premiere of Parts Unknown, Bourdain and Obama keep it chill by having a casual meal in Hanoi, where Bourdain comments on the President’s vermicelli noodle aptitude:

It takes some skills to handle these sticky cold noodles, but whatever your opinion of the President, he has those skills.

3. He uses food snob words like ‘arugula.’
Obama caught a lot of slack in 2007 when he dared utter the word “arugula,” when referring to high prices.

Anybody gone into Whole Foods lately and see what they charge for arugula? I mean, they’re charging a lot of money for this stuff.

He used the word during a campaign stop in Iowa, where there were no Whole Foods at the time (“There was a time when there were no Whole Foods?” — everyone under the age of 25), which made matters worse.

via GIPHY

4. He not only loves beer, he makes it
Well, not really. But he’s the first president to have a beer brewed during his term in office. White House Honey Ale began production in 2011, when Obama purchased (using his own money) a home brewing kit. Since then, three more styles have been brewed: White House Honey Blonde Ale, White House Honey Porter and White House Honey Brown.

via GIPHY

5. He has a taste for organic tea
One of Obama’s favorite drinks is organic Black Forest Berry Honest Tea. An Honest Tea rep told the New York Daily News that he even keeps a stash on the official presidential helicopter.


via GIPHY

6. He’s a trail mix connoisseur
In his memoire, Obama’s former right hand man, Reggie Love, noted that he once upset Obama after accidentally buying him the wrong trail mix before a flight from Washington, DC, to New York City.

The senator opened the bag of trail mix I’d bought and proceeded to pick out every M&M, holding them all in his palm like pieces of candy-coated toxic waste. ‘I’m not going to eat these,’ he said while pushing his hand in my general direction.

Why do I get the feeling Love uttered this phrase a lot:

7. He likes fine mustard
The New Yorker points out that Sean Hannity once dubbed Obama President Poupon after he was spotted ordering a hamburger with the “fancy” Dijon mustard. What an elitist!

https://www.instagram.com/p/L6dxuKGuWE/

Bonus: He loves a bustling restaurant
During their Hanoi trip, Obama told Bourdain that he misses the days when he and his First Lady could walk into a restaurant and not be immediately shuffled into a private room. He enjoys the energy of a full dining room.

https://www.instagram.com/p/OkzGq0muW6

Consume is an essential source for food and beverage news, trends, tips, original recipes and everything in between. Want to read more? Try these posts: How To Make Sure Your Food Doesn’t Explode In The Microwave, 11 Annoying Things About Menus, 6 Ciders That Will Make You Rethink Beer.

Hollywood Duo Trolls Yelp With Genius Food-Review Videos

Amy Hansen
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Hollywood Duo Trolls Yelp With Genius Food-Review Videos

Finally! Someone is calling out Yelp for its ridiculous “Elite Squad” reviews by flooding the site with hilarious videos.

Bon Appétit brings us the story of how Hollywood director Dave Green (Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles) and actor Joe Cobden (Fargo, The Day After Tomorrow, The Vow) teamed up to take advantage of Yelp’s 12-second video function. Instead of terribly lit videos of chocolate lava cake and tiki cocktails, their videos are more like short movies.

All of their videos, starring Cobden, are posted on the Instagram account Toothpix, their Yelp username.

https://www.instagram.com/p/BK6E1f_hVUb/

https://www.instagram.com/p/BJLhFc7AN5l/

https://www.instagram.com/p/BI-wjL2AHfC

Says Bon Appétit:

Toothpix is a way for them to work with people and ideas that they miss out on in their high-profile Hollywood day jobs. Here, there’s truly no expectation of what one of these videos might look like.

In just three days, they’ve more than tripled their Instagram following. Perhaps a web series is not far behind.

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Consume is an essential source for food and beverage news, trends, tips, original recipes and everything in between. Want to read more? Try these posts: How To Make Sure Your Food Doesn’t Explode In The Microwave, 11 Annoying Things About Menus, 6 Ciders That Will Make You Rethink Beer.

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